*my wife catches me in bed looking at an optical illusions book* HONEY, NO IT’S NOT WHAT IT LOOKS LIKE
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Would an Egyptian doctor who specializes in the spine be called a Cairopractor?
He really should be.
Forget drugs and sex.
Parents please talk to your kids about their grammar and spelling.
My 8yo explaining how grades work to her 6yo sister, “I mostly get A’s. A is for excellent!” My 6yo right after, “Oh yeah, and F is for FANTASTIC.”
[1st date]
Her: I have a confession. [Sigh] Sometimes, I see dead people.
Me: [An idiot zombie, taking off my disguise] What a RELIEF.
My therapist insisted i try something new each week…
…so i haven’t paid her
Now we wait…
ME: can I ask one last question
FIRING SQUAD CAPTAIN: ok shoot
[gunshots]
FIRING SQUAD CAPTAIN: aw heck
Why buy the cow when you can get milk from almonds?
I am a fountain of wisdom for those who thirst for knowledge.
Me: Do that thing I like.
Him: *gives me the good allergy pills*
If by chipper you mean woodchipper, then yes, I have a chipper personality.
Parenting teenagers is easy since they already know everything.
The best letter to the editor in today’s @TB_Times.
It’s funny how—especially in small towns—we think of lit porch lights as a symbol of welcoming. I leave mine on so the guy who paints himself purple won’t steal any more of my chairs.
Hear me out. A waiting room where the doctors wait.
I knew all that yoga stretching and bending would come in useful some day…
…I thought to myself as I contorted my entire body to retrieve a mini chocolate egg that had rolled under the bed.
hey i know we haven’t talked since high school but we’re celebrating our 10 year friendversary on facebook. what are u up to tonight lol
The chemical symbol for Seahorse is H₂Orse.
For Lent, I’ve decided to stop murdering drifters in the woods off 495.
Chicks like it when you let out a loud “AWOOGA” when you see her naked
“I’ll fix the roof myself,” I said, “save some money” I said…
The last layer of skin finally grew back on the roof of my mouth from the Hot Pocket I ate in 1987.
I’m over at my parents’ place eating dinner and my stepmom comes in and tells my dad, “Your furry daughter is eating” and for a second I thought I was being called out and accused before I realized she was talking about the squirrels my dad likes to observe outside
Doctor: Was it all fun and games?
Me [missing an eye]: Yah, up to a point
“He died doing what he loved…”
I’m not dead
“Interrupting my jokes”
no actually it’s called an “african-american” eye, bud. and i got it cause someone beat the crap out of me for being too politically correct
My father-in-law spent the morning teaching my daughter Spanish, and it was all wrong.
Wife: He’s your son!
Me: So you say! But I don’t…
*Kid dances across the room to the Benny Hill theme song*
Me: …ok fine he’s my son.
It’s not a coincidence that so many blues songs start with “Woke up this morning…”
[at wedding]
Pastor: If anyone opposes, speak now or forever hold your peace
Me (raises hand)
Pastor: It’s your wedding
Me (lowers hand)
*finds all 7 dragonballs
*dragon appears* “WHAT IS YOUR WIS…OH GODDAMMIT CHAD, FOR THE LAST TIME I CANNOT MAKE PEOPLE RESPECT NICKELBACK”