Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

What’s the difference between a cranky two-year-old and a duckling?

One is a whiny toddler, and the other is a tiny waddler!

If the covid vaccine is implanting trackers in us then that just means when I get lost in an ikea then they can send in a rescue team

Saw a woman leave her dog in the car, engine running, air on. He watched her from the front seat for a moment and then drove away

two weeks ago a friend was telling me about how they were sad because they hosted a cookout and invited “all their friends” but no one came and i just had to sit there and smile and nod as they sadly told me about this cookout that, incidentally, they did not invite me to

Trainer: Did you know that you burn approx 80 calories per hour while sleeping?

Me: Really? [curls up on weight bench] Wake me up in 2025.

Me: Man T-Rexes looked so cool

Scientist: Nah actually they looked like giant idiot birds

Me: Oh bummer. They were great hunters tho

Scientist: There’s evidence they were scavengers

Me: Ok maybe just stop ruinin-

Scientist: They wore socks with sandals

*goes produce shopping*

Wife: Get in line & watch the cart.
Me: OK.
Wife: I’ll be right back.

*minds peas & queues*

SUPERHERO: I alienate my loved ones to protect them from danger

ME: Me too, that’s also my reason

I’m at my parenting best when I randomly yell out “be careful!” every few minutes without looking up from my phone.

Preacher: God’s love is unconditional!

Me: Then why is there a hell?

Preacher:……

Me: Your move.

Everyone’s a gangster until they have to roll forward while sitting in an office chair.

If someone knocks on your door, knock back from the other side. That someone will go away. It works. Trust me, I just tried it this morning.

My wine is telling me to dance but my brain is telling me to go to bed old woman you’re drunk.

Just because I’m smiling doesn’t necessarily mean that I like you. I might be picturing you on fire.

Pro: I will make you a gourmet meal.

Con: I will pronounce the t in gourmet.

The FBI’s security gets penetrated so often that we should make it an honorary Kardashian.

MOVIE IDEA: Jurassic Park, but the fences all work and everyone just has a really lovely time.

Her: I love a bad guy

Me: I’ve got some prison tatts.

Her: Ooh. Show me one.

Me: [pulls up my sleeve and points at my arm] This one is of Alcatraz.

i eat one snickers a day to build up immunity in case someone tried to kill me with snickers

former classmate: i am happily married with four kids, a house, two cars, an rv & a boat.
me: i am a llama. i live in an enchanted forest with a squirrel wizard. we eat magical berries & those berries give us powers which we shall use to find & slay the evil dragon king.

Fried some chicken because the 2 yr old telepathically told me we need some

I was on a date and my credit card got declined. Her credit card got declined too. Then I knew I was in love.

Year 2696.
Archeologists 1: *looking at cursive written on an ancient wall* Come here, I’ve made a discovery. What does it say?
Archeologist 2: If my translation is correct it says, “For a good time, call your mom.”

OF COURSE I’m not on my first box of Christmas Tree Cakes! ARE YOU NUTS?!… I’m on my second.

I’m no heart surgeon but I have the most steady hand when scrolling through an ex’s Facebook page.

See a penny, pick it up, then all day you just have a dirty penny in your pocket

[3am]

me: *sleeping*

brain: omg you’re late for work!

me: oh shit *jumps out of bed*

brain: lmao you’re so gullible

My lifetime taco-to-salad ratio is 16413 to 1.

Fairy godmother: Remember, at midnight the spell will be broken.

Me in my 30’s: Oh no worries. I’ll be done and at home in my pajamas by 8pm.

FGM: Oh no, my dear, you have until midni—

Me: 8PM.

I don’t know why smokey the bear carries a shovel, but it scares the shit out of me.