Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I’m really not sure how many times I’ll search for my phone with the flashlight on my phone before I realize I’m an idiot….

Me: Do the dishes.

10-year-old: That’s the worst possible thing you could say to me.

Me: Do the dishes all week.

There…fixed it 🤣🤣🤣

If cauliflower can become pizza, you my friend, can do anything.

Dear rock bands,

If I am at your show, assume I am both ready and willing to rock. No need to ask.

my cousin went to pride years ago and threw up on someone on a ferris wheel- fast forward 10 years, him and his husband were talking about pride and his husband told him a story about when he was thrown up on at pride- my cousin threw up on his husband 5 years before they met

My husband claims I’m driving him to an early grave, which is clearly ridiculous because nobody has ever been early to anything I’ve driven them to.

If coronavirus isn’t about beer then why do they keep talking about cases of it

Starship Advertise Stardate 41153.6

Kirk: This velcro … is not … holding
Spock: Jim, it appears you’re using an inferior hook and loop system
Kirk: What … do you … suggest?
Spock: Logic demands we call in the experts
Kirk: Who … would that … be?
Spock: The Klingons

Cupcakes are for people who don’t have the dedication and stamina to eat a whole cake!

Losers.

deleted bumble, instead i’m just going to walk into trader joe’s and look confused

me: *taking off shirt* YOU WANT A PIECE OF ME???
dermatologist: once again, it’s called a biopsy

Finding $5 you didn’t know you had is awesome til you realize you’re 34, it’s 2011 & $5 won’t even buy enough gas to drive you off a cliff.

Accurate

Back to the Future IV: Marty Mcfly stops being obsessed with his own family and goes back in time to kill Hitler.

“It’s not you, it’s meat” – vegan break up

[on a first date]

Me: sure, I’d love to see your basement

Last night, James Bond came to me in a dream. Turned on the radio & told me that I had to fight for my right to party

Also, I tried Ambien

Me: *pulls in driveway after not finding what I needed at Target*

[text from wife]: I’m in the checkout line, where r u?

Me: *backs out of driveway*

Being an adult is like watching a foreign movie with no subtitles in a crowded theater, everyone else knows what’s going on and you just nod

I’m a puzzle wrapped in an enigma hidden inside a set of Russian Nesting Dolls, so deep, so profound that – what? Yes, I’ll have fries.

A haunted house where they make you look at your checking account balance.

If i had a dollar for every time you guys said Twitter was going out of business, I’d have enough money to buy Twitter.

It’s a bird, it’s a plane, it’s a chick that’s gone insane

We value your privacy. We always get top dollar for it.

“Whats the deal with all this airline food?”

-Sharks in Malaysia

My wife just gave me an ultimatum, it’s either her or Twitter.

So, sadly this will be my last tweet, where I mention having a wife.

Lois Lane survived until she was, like, 30, without Superman. Then she starts falling off buildings practically once a week.
I think Superman was pushing her.

My wife’s left me for being too clingy & needy.😢
No wait, she’s back. She hadn’t left me, she was just making a cup of tea.God I missed her.

Contrary to popular belief, you can’t see the Great Wall of China from space.

However, if you listen intently, you can hear my kids fighting over an iPad in Texas.