My wife: *catches me in bed with a Transformer*
Me: Wait! It’s not what it looks like!
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I don’t need a participation trophy. I don’t want anyone to know that I was here.
The straw that broke the camel’s back was either an exceptionally large straw or that camel had some serious osteoporosis.
My goal was to look good in a bikini this summer, but the call of the warm bread dipped in oil is stronger.
Who called the feminine product brand “Always” instead of “Periodically”?
“Can you tell me what the second to last letter in the alphabet is?”
“Y”
“So I can make a stupid joke”
HUSBAND: You dropped your phone, broke a glass, and frightened the dog.
ME: Yeah, but I killed the spider!
*breathing becomes rapid and pulse starts racing*
I…I’ve never felt…SO ALIVE!
*holds up 11th nugget from 10 piece box, for all to see*
If you say “NO YOURE UNDER ARREST” the cop legally has to get in the back of your car.
“Your colon will thank you”
Me: I don’t like it when my colon talks to me
Climax comes before effort, but only in a dictionary.
I threw a dart at a map to pick a vacation spot and shattered the hell out of my phone screen.
What idiot called them haunted houses and not bad manors?
[watching action movie]
*hero stealthily snaps guard’s neck*
me: damn, I bet that felt really good
I got drunk and went to an AAA meeting. It didn’t help. There were just a bunch of sober people talking about roadside maintenance.
90% of parenting a little girl is chasing her around the house with a hair brush and a ponytail holder.
Yelling “wooooo” when the singer says the name of your town is what separates us from the animals.
Everyone’s a gangster until the grocery store switches their aisles around.
To all the men out there without ponytails: What are you afraid of? SUCCESS???
Pro tip: if you have a student’s mother email you for a grade change have your mother respond to it.
Fight 🔥 with 🔥
[Masterchef]
Gordon Ramsay: describe the dish
Me: *proudly* ceramic, chef
toddler: crying (why am i up)
me: i have no idea you should be napping
toddler: (who woke me up)
me: literally nothing & no one
toddler: (why do i have to stay awake)
me: you don’t please do not
toddler: (i am stressed)
me: you could not have fewer commitments or responsibilities
I can claim not to have a best-loved child but one of my kids just said his first favorite thing is cleaning and his second favorite is reading so you know I am lying if I deny it
I made a wish and threw a bitcoin in the fountain. Now my laptop won’t boot anymore.
“If only children came with instructions,” the witch lamented while preheating the oven
I’d go for a jog but it’s too [insert current weather].
If the world was serious about embracing renewable energy, someone would have already called me about harnessing the power from my 4 year old’s shouting
How about a child exchange programme where if your kid is being annoying you can just swap them with someone else’s vodka?
ME: *walks in with ball rammed into my mouth* Happeh nuh?
JUDGE: Not what a gagging order means! Are you sure you want to defend yourself?
Banker: You’re sure you want a reverse mortgage & get how it works?
Me(imagines bank making huge unaffordable payments to me for years): Yes
the hardest part about boxing is not falling in love with your opponent when he hugs you