My wife caught me looking at a seagull at the beach so now we’re in this big fight.
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I’m sorry for a lot of things but I’m not sorry I put googly eyes on your nativity scene
Dinner conversation:
10YO: What 6 things would you want on a deserted island?
Me: 1) You–
10YO: Seriously? Why would you drag me into that?
Guy in the dressing room next to mine: “I don’t want to get blood on these pants.” I want to reply, “Then stay out of my way on the catwalk”
When someone’s ignoring me I like to break into their house at night and steal all their shoes.
We’ll see how busy you are tomorrow.
I sharpened all my kitchen knives today. Now I can’t help but slice everything as if I’m in an infomercial.
If any of my ex-girlfriends are reading this, I want you to know I’m eating chicken nuggets with THREE different dipping sauces, you blew it
I finally got around to washing my hair and then of course, I ended up putting way too much hair product on and it looks just as greasy as before. I’m like, really, Charlotte, you had ONE job, girl!
After spicing things up in the bedroom, don’t rub your eyes for at least 30 minutes.
I don’t like the person you become when I’m on my period.
Me: Where my favorite girl in the whole world?
Wife: Right here!
Me:
Wife:
Me:
Wife: You were talking to the dog, weren’t you?
Me: Yes
Seeing a lot of posts about “rawdogging a flight” but can we discuss those absolute weirdos who rawdog the movie theater?
No popcorn, no drink, just watching a movie for two hours. At least smuggle in some Twinkies under your jacket.
My best friend bought my daughter a 2000 piece bead kit when she turned four and to this day I don’t know what I did to piss her off.
Been coming here every day for six years and I’m starting to lose hope.
When your mom beats you for coming home late then you see your brother coming😂😂😂😂😂😂
When your wife says “It’s up to you”, it’s not.
“What are we doing here, Marcy?”
“Seeing how I’d look with bangs.”
I told my American cousin this is what police cars in Scotland sound like
On March 17th, 1992, I asked my parents for directions to a restaurant in Brooklyn. As of 7:30 this evening, they’re still arguing about it.
Hubs left his Amazon account open on the laptop and I swear to God if I’m getting a lawnmower for Mother’s Day there will be bloodshed.
Children receive an average of $3.70 for each tooth from the Tooth Fairy.
I suppose that’s because the resale market is so limited.
SURGEON: hold on, i just need to YouTube this part of the procedure
PHONE: *unskippable ad plays*
NURSE: he’s dyin
SURGEON: ah crap, hold on
It takes a long time to delete 900 million dollars worth of stuff from an Amazon shopping cart.
Man these end times are taking forever
Safari Guide: *whispering* Folks, it’s a rhinoceros. Just back away without any erratic movements.
Wacky Inflatable Tube Man: Uh-oh.
Be the unknown suspect that you want to see in the world
ME: does this apartment have a pizza cellar
REALTOR: again, i dont know what that is
Sometimes I look at my dog and get a little jealous, wondering why nobody ever tells me I’m a good girl when I take a sh*t outside
The filthiest part of life pre-COVID was that we normalized blowing all over a cake and serving it to guests 😭
The hardest part of making new friends is weeding out the people who just want to sell you leggings.
Croc store. Rooster walks in.
Salesman: How may I help you?
Rooster: A Croc or two will do.