My wife caught me looking at a seagull at the beach so now we’re in this big fight.
You Might Also Like
Judging by the tweets, you guys all lead really interesting lies
if a doctor ever tried to hit *my* knee with a tiny hammer? hoo boy… all i’m sayin is, it’s a good thing they already live at the hospital
Please join me in prayer for my two year old daughter, her sleeve is wet.
Q. Why are ghostbusters afraid of bridges over small rivers?
A. Because they’re not supposed to cross the streams
Me: I can’t think of any life goals
Wife: God could you be any lazier?
Me: ooh good one
This aging app is really getting people’s hopes up that the world will still be here when they’re old
Period tracker: 196 days late
Me: *wears white pants
Period: I’m ready for my comeback
Dating isn’t easy when you’re married.
Stands at the gates of hell.
Waves to my mother in law.
Leaves.
Replaced my shoelaces with ear buds and now they tie themselves.
“Predators are essential for a healthy ecosystem,” I explained as I released a bobcat into the airduct
all toddlers look the same when telling a story
karate master: the easiest way to knock someone unconscious is to hit their temple
[later]
my bully brad: you’re stupid
me: where is your place of worship
2014: lost 10 lbs, saved $135, ate $135 worth of candy, gained 10 lbs
[Catwoman’s Lair]
Robin: I hear someone.
Batman: Lets’s hide in this sandpit.
{5 min later}
R: This is a litter box isn’t it?
B: I think so.
*opens your fridge and sees 2% milk* hey, your milk’s almost dead
Imagine this: you’re home alone and you sneeze. Suddenly the phone rings and you answer, then someone whispers “Bless you” and hangs up
All I’m saying is that the Care Bears gave me some very unrealistic expectations.
*Walks in late to dinner*
I see fed people.
If it sounds better in your head, leave it there.
I run down a hospital corridor, clutching the mustard dispenser I liberated from the cafeteria.
Earlier I had a plan. Now I have mustard.
Boss said no more sock puppets during zoom meetings.
SUPERVILLAIN: [thrusting kryptonite into my side]
ME: How did you discover my weakness? [gasping for air] I… hate… being… stabbed…
7-11 CLERK: what are you doing
ME: *staring at the hot dogs on the metal rollers* watching the oscars
bout dat hot dog summer
Spoiler Alert: I was late
[dinner]
HER: lose the spear
ME: but you said we having wild rice
It’s 100% legal to give cops the finger. But remember, it’s also apparently 100% legal for them to shoot and kill you.
one of my bosses years ago was really into darts and one day she was describing what she liked about the shaft of her favorite brand of darts, monster. then she wanted to show me and I watched, helplessly, as she typed “monster shaft” into the google search bar
HANG GLIDER COP: I see a crime happening directly below me
[glides on]
Not much I can do