My wife celebrates Christmas on December 26th. That’s when she returns everything I bought her and gets what she wants.

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This is your captain speaking. Underneath each of your seats is a broadsword. In the words of Highlander, there can be only one.


handsome customer: [pointing] that costume please.

clerk: sexy warlock. you got it.

me: same as him.

clerk: creepy male witch, comin’ up.


Ninety percent of being an accountant is fighting off the babes…


Me [doing a lovely soft shoe routine and nailing it]

Brother: Are you serious? This is my sentencing hearing

Judge [teary]: Just wonderful


If you watch COPS backwards it’s just a bunch of people overcoming miraculous obstacles to win free drugs


I just leave my autocorrects so people will think I’m really passionate about ducks.


My biggest fear is laughing at a joke I didn’t understand and someone asks me to explain it to them.


Me: ew look at that guy sitting in his own shit.

Wife: just change your son’s diaper please.


if I was ever in prison I’d quickly assert dominance by giving everyone a fabulous makeover