My wife celebrates Christmas on December 26th. That’s when she returns everything I bought her and gets what she wants.
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“It looks like you’re in the middle of a workout.”
– My passive-aggressive Apple Watch as I walk across a parking lot to my car
[being haunted]
Me: *tries to text ghostbusters*
Ghost: actually you have to call them, they’re pretty specific about that
Me:
Ghost:
Me: you know what being haunted is fine
Land animals by legs:
0: Probably a snake.
1: Not a snake.
2: You/Monkey.
3: Uh…
4: Varies, probably safe-ish.
>4: AAAAH KILL IT WITH FIRE.
My doctor wasn’t amused when he asked how much I weighed and I said
One hundred and fat
Screw an edit button I want people to know immediately when I block them
I’m my own family, I say as I plow through the family-size bag of barbecue chips.
Tom & Jerry had the realest beef of all time….. nvr said a word…. it was jus on sight ..
I stopped experimenting in bed after the great honey disaster of 2015.
Chopsticks are perfect for when you want to drop your food twice on its way to your mouth.
Can you guys make me famous? I’m tired of being a meaningful contributor to society.
I’m opening a funeral home that has a bar in it. I know right?
Meat loaf is in the oven, potatoes are ready to boil and mash, and laundry’s almost done. Omg, I’m my imaginary wife.
[spelling bee]
JUDGE: Your word is “incorrect”
KID: I haven’t spelled it yet
JUDGE: No, that’s your word
KID: T-H-A-T-’-S
JUDGE: No-
KID: N-
Technically, it’s not gluttony if you refer to it as an “Emotional Support Snack”.
911: What’s your emergency?
Me: This guy just died in my arms tonight.
911: How did he die?
Me: It must’ve been something I said.
I’ve been married for seven years and when we visit my mother-in-law she still types her wifi password in for me rather than share it.
Her: baby can you come up here and play with me?
Me: *sprints up stairs
Her: I’m kidding. Can you hand me the remote?
Me: this is so us
Wife: He’s your son!
Me: So you say! But I don’t…
*Kid dances across the room to the Benny Hill theme song*
Me: …ok fine he’s my son.
*sips from glass of water that’s been sitting out for a while*
ugh, it tastes like the house
dog: [watching me take a shit] awkward, isn’t it
[1st date, don’t let her know you’re a panda]
“Do u mind if I ask how you got the um *gestures at eyes*
These? I..*rubs neck* cage fighting
btw the stereotype of americans i have run into the most so far in europe is that americans work themselves to death for nothing
Autocorrect got me in trouble again when I invited the neighbors over for a friendly game of Go Fist.
COP: don’t worry sir, we’ll find your kids as soon as we can.
ME: no hurry.
what’s wrong babe? you’ve barely touched your charcuberie
To tell you the truth, beginning a sentence with “To tell you the truth” throws into question all else you’ve previous said.
Oxford comma: I had eggs, toast, and orange juice.
University of Phoenix comma: I had, eggs toas,t and, orange juice,
Me: I’m heading to the grocery store. Any requests?
12-year-old: You know the stuff you usually buy?
Me: Yeah.
12: Don’t get any of it.
I was a far more confident parent when I didn’t have any kids.
amazon: your package is in your mailbox 🙂
me: it is not
amazon: we delivered to your mailbox already 🙂
me: i ordered a microwave it is not in my mailbox
amazon: maybe you’re looking in the wrong one?
me: that isn’t possible
amazon: put your f*****g glasses on dipshit :))