This is your captain speaking. Underneath each of your seats is a broadsword. In the words of Highlander, there can be only one.
My wife celebrates Christmas on December 26th. That’s when she returns everything I bought her and gets what she wants.
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handsome customer: [pointing] that costume please.
clerk: sexy warlock. you got it.
me: same as him.
clerk: creepy male witch, comin’ up.
Ninety percent of being an accountant is fighting off the babes…
Me [doing a lovely soft shoe routine and nailing it]
Brother: Are you serious? This is my sentencing hearing
Judge [teary]: Just wonderful
If you watch COPS backwards it’s just a bunch of people overcoming miraculous obstacles to win free drugs
I just leave my autocorrects so people will think I’m really passionate about ducks.
My biggest fear is laughing at a joke I didn’t understand and someone asks me to explain it to them.
I’d let you be the reason my cheeks blush.. All four of them
Me: ew look at that guy sitting in his own shit.
Wife: just change your son’s diaper please.
if I was ever in prison I’d quickly assert dominance by giving everyone a fabulous makeover