My wife celebrates Christmas on December 26th. That’s when she returns everything I bought her and gets what she wants.
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When do kids stop eating things they find on the floor? According to my husband it’s not 38.
My kids won’t stop fighting over a balloon in case you’re looking to pinpoint the beginning of my supervillain origin story
If you use your stimulus check to buy baby chicks, then you got the money for nothing and the chicks for free.
Me: Sometimes you just gotta dance like no one is watching.
Anesthesiologist: But right now I need you to hold still
Guys! I just heard when women ask “Does this make me look fat?” they know we’ll say no. What they are really testing is HOW FAST WE SAY IT!
I literally have no idea what my friends had for lunch today.
Due to an unfortunate miscommunication with the printer, I am currently selling “Proudly Pro-Lice” bumper stickers at a steep discount.
according to my research, maximum work from home productivity can be reached when you wear a towel all day and lie about your camera not working
[guy about to invent bowling]
let’s have some fun, but not too much
If you’re not careful with those, you’ll shoot your eye out.
*points to Spanx*
Her: Do you kik?
Me: Like rocks?
Her: …….
There has been a pencil case on the landing of my staircase for a week now. I notice it every time I go up or downstairs, but vowed not to pick it up just to see if someone else would.
There will be a Covid vaccine before this pencil case gets moved.
That’s not a tweet.
Alcohol: Yes it is.
[bean naming]
Angel: okay, this one?
God: it’s black, so black bean
A: and this?
G: lol that looks like a kidney— kidney bean!
A: k, and this one?
G (giggling): GARBANZOOOOOoooooo!!
A: … dude, you alright?
if y’all catch me barking while my dog is sleeping, mind your business i’m teaching her a lesson
Me: You just sat on my glasses.
Husband: *Stands up* What?
Me: While you’re up, can you grab some popcorn?
Falls for it every time.
MAKE Easter easier by replacing the ‘t’ with an ‘i’.
HYPNOTIST: YOU ARE FEELING SLEEPY
ME: kinda safe bet there
HYPNOTIST: YOU WILL DANCE LIKE AN OCTOPUS
ME: again, still no surprises.
him: can you pour me a glass of wine
me: there’s only enough left for me
him: there’s a whole bottle
me: yes
What do you mean will I eat a whole rotisserie chicken? What do I look like, a guy who doesn’t eat whole rotisserie chickens?
Dads will wake up at 5 AM so they have more time in their day to tell everyone they woke up at 5 AM.
why stack your tupperware when you can chunk it into the cabinet and close the door before it falls out.
Me: Do you like children?
Him: Yes, I love them.
Me: Good, because I become a huge child when I drink.
Reality show idea: “So You Think You Can Touch Mike Tyson’s Nose.” Hidden camera. Tyson isn’t in on it.
Of course my kids are well mannered because when I tell them things like get ready for bed, they politely ask me “Did mommy say that?”
read this from top to bottom to discover just how much movement your eyebrows are capable of
date: so what do you do on the weekends.
me: mostly pet my cat.
date: oh your bio said you were a risk taker.
me: um yeah have you ever pet a cat.
So after vacuuming with the new Dyson, I’m pleasantly surprised to learn that the carpet upstairs is actually hardwood.
My Wife: Don’t look at your phone while driving
Also my wife when I’m driving: What do you think of these bar stools?
TAYLOR SWIFT: I knew you were trouble when you walked in
ME (wearing ski mask and holding up gun): what gave it away?