My wife CLAIMS to be my best friend but she didn’t seemed all that psyched when I bragged about this girl at work I just made out with.
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I started this account 7 years ago today. I just want to thank all of you for reading my stuff and never showing up to my house.
Last night I did Crossfit for the first time and now I understand why those people always look so angry.
I’m no body language specialist but I would interpret Gary Busey’s smile as saying, “I may or may not have eaten your parakeet.”
No thanks, cosmetics lady. I’m years past ‘bare & natural’. Save us both some time & show me the stuff you’d need to prep & refinish a wall.
Motel 6: We’ll leave the light on for you.
Motel 6’s Dad: What am I, made of money?
I hate when I’m typing away, expecting autocorrect to have my back, and I look down and just see awjdbdmkskanxksnakdbd
My kids can’t play at your house because they might begin to think laundry doesn’t live on the couch.
I like to pack a healthy lunch for work so that by 3 p.m. I’m ready to do unspeakable things for a piece of chocolate.
When a pair of scissors hear you’re looking for them
Please stay out of the flood waters. They are busy and don’t have time for your bullshit.
Person: “I hate geology puns.”
Me: “My sediments exactly.”
FRIEND: My kid was mvp of his basketball team.
ME: My kid misses when he tries to high-5
You know you’re getting old when the kids start referring to your savings as their inheritance.
Stages of drunk:
– I’m not drunk.
– I’m still not drunk.
– Who’s trunk am I in?
I hate when someone is killed in a movie. While normal ppl watch the scene, all i’m doing is try to catch the dead character breathing.
European out-of-offices: “I’m away camping for the summer. Email again in September”
American out-of-offices: “I have left the office for two hours to undergo kidney surgery but you can reach me on my cell anytime”
Jury duty would be a lot more popular if they gave everyone a turn with the gavel
In case you ever worry you spend to much money on dumb things you should know they’re still making Grey’s Anatomy
“Oh my god Harvey, you have GOT to see this bathroom.”
If I learned anything from Peter Pan, it’s that I can leave my dog to watch my kids while I go out and party.
What if life on Earth is just a video game for gods, and my guy has the crappy controller?
*being broken up with*
Me: I thought we were on the same page!
Her: We are! It’s just the page of the dictionary that has “awesome” and “awful” on it
The proper way to make a Caesar salad is to repeatedly stab it with dozens of other people in a Senate building.
Hey i am sexy to you now
Conference calls are fun because no one knows I’m really home with massive diarrhea.
Boss: For the third time, PLEASE put us on mute.
[filling out birth certificate]
Me: we’re naming him Greg
Doctor who used to be Starbucks barista: [writes “Grork”]
Having survived numerous mysterious strangers attempting to kill him as a child, Hitler swore revenge on a cruel world.
Trapped beneath the feet of a bearded giant…
Cut off from the world.
Stephen King & Pixar present:
“A BUG’S LIFE 3: UNDER THE GNOME”
Want to annoy the man in your life? Pronounce MMA “mama”.
I bet the first person to keep track of his age was a gigantic tool
“This is my 24th winter”
Shut up and help us kill this boar, Stuart