My wife CLAIMS to be my best friend but she didn’t seemed all that psyched when I bragged about this girl at work I just made out with.
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PeeWee’s Playhouse gave me very unrealistic expectations of how much fun I would have with my furniture
Finally, a month dedicated to nut allergy awareness.
Rome fell because it was run by idiots who used letters as numbers.
Who called it Soylent Green and not Humanwich?
Your Game of Thrones name is your biggest fear spelled backwards plus the profession your guidance counselor suggested. Mine is Snwolc Clown
A local man died after a shelf full of routers fell on him.
It was an unexpected LAN slide.
It’s Friday after 2, setting automatic replies in outlook to just say “Chimichanga” with no further explanation.
Me to barking dog: You get away from that window. Leave the poor bunny rabbit alone.
Also me: I bought you a bunny squeak toy you can pretend to kill over and over.
her: i’m breaking up with u
me: we can work this out Linda
her: it’s Lydia
*pronounces injury like lingerie*
“Your meal is being prepared and should be delivered in 30-45 minutes”
Perfect. Just enough time to eat a sleeve of Oreos.
[guy who’s about to invent politics]
*getting along with everyone* this just won’t do
Just heard my husband in the kitchen telling our cat “You’re not hungry, you’re bored. Drink some water.”
if ghosts r real why are there no dinosaur ghosts? think about that, but u won’t bc i just blew your mind with something called logic, idiot
I went for a hill walk in the rain yesterday. Anyway long story short, I can still do the splits
I just posted a selfie and people told me to get well soon.
*bites your top lip*
Ish shish shexy?
i like to walk around my neighborhood leaving helpful notes in ppls mailboxes, such as, “doric columns don’t belong on a mid-century modern. what is u doing?” or “ur home has a mix of window styles that makes me wonder about the aesthetic you were going for. what is u doing?” or
Some time last year, I accidentally splashed pothole water onto a lady on a rainy day. When I stopped to apologise, the lady immediately ran away! I’m still wondering why
We caught and released a snake so it can scare the crap out of us in the basement on a different day
Instagram is going to be wild when Millenials start scheduling their colonoscopies.
I remember when Dulux were just a small company selling paint brushes. Now they’re hue mongers!
WIFE: Why is the zoo calling us about a missing coyote?
ME: [bleeding profusely] So… not a dog
Girlfriend: [breaking up with me by phone] Hopefully someday it’ll be clear but you and I are not the same.
Me: Obviously not. They’re two different letters.
*click
Random person outside of Target: is it ok if I pray for you?
Me: sure! While you’re at it can you pray they never find the knife and blood soaked clothes I buried? Kthanks!
*opens tube of pillsbury crescent rolls*
*crosses off list: do one thing everyday that scares you.*
[walking down the canned meat aisle at the grocery store]
my phone: spam risk
The first matador
me: could my thighs get any bigger? *sits down* me: oh look now they’re the size of Australia
Wife: Why are you wearing that?
Me: I wanted to dress a little bisqué
Wife: You mean risqué?
Me: *wearing shirt soaked in lobster soup* No I’m pretty sure I’m right