My wife CLAIMS to be my best friend but she didn’t seemed all that psyched when I bragged about this girl at work I just made out with.
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I show dominance by calling out her name from outside her window while she’s having sex.
They should really replace, “I now pronounce you man and wife” with “FINISH HIM!!”
6: *putting on costume* ok, I’m the superhero! Who wants to be my sidekick, and who’s going to be the bad guy?
Mum: No! It’s bedtime, put your PJs on please!
6:….. alright, so mum’s the bad guy!
You know what they say. You can lead a camel to water but you can’t keep your leggings out of its toe
Good morning.
scares
I’m gonna start a woman’s monthly magazine called “Period”, and some months I will send it out late to freak out subscribers
EVERY picture my husband takes of me is like
What idiot called them astronomers and not skyentists
Not sure if i should be proud of this or not, but our employee handbook had 37 new rules added since i started working here.
[1st date]
Him: We share perfect chemistry!
Me: *but all I hear is the word “share” as I create a fortress around my nachos with my hands*
[Italian restaurant]
LADY:
“Let’s start with the shrimp scampi, then the chateaubriand, and maybe, hmm…”TRAMP [checking wallet]:
“We’re gonna have spaghetti and meatballs. Is silverware extra? You know what… no silverware.”
me: i’ll just soak this dish so it’s easier to clean
brain: probably will be good in a minute
me: yeah but imagine how good it’ll be in a month
Before towels were invented people rubbed themselves against the carpet.
You’re telling me people get eight hours of sleep? Like in one night?
Screw that. I love this bench and I don’t care who knows it!
“I really can’t stay“
Baby, it’s cold outside
“My Uber’s on its way”
Ok, that’s cool, actually… I thought I was going to have to give you a ride
My wife and I come from very different backgrounds. Her family is French and Irish, and mine is suffocating and unstable.
[Hardware store]
ME: I’ll take one of those giant forks.
WORKER: That’s a rake.
ME: I’m gonna eat so much spaghetti with that thing.
I love when the restaurant bathroom has different music playing than the restaurant. It’s like I’m going to Club Pee Pee
Everyone always jokes that women are obsessed with shoes but my female friends aren’t the ones posting 6 sneaker insta pics a week
Too many Christmas rom-coms, not nearly enough Halloween rom-coms
[Before 9 was invented]
7: damn I’m hungry
there should be more car holidays besides christmas like “hoppy honda days” or “a leggxus to remember” for easter or even “creepy jeepy month” for halloween. i mean cmon do i have to do all the work around here?
“Playing soccer in the cold builds character, son!” I yelled…
…from inside my warm car, because it’s COLD & I already have character.
“Couples don’t have enough things to disagree about.”
– Guy about to invent crunchy peanut butter.
maybe less RPGs would be about killing god if gods stopped playing absolutely banging tunes whenever someone tries to kill them
Why don’t adult cereals come with prizes?
A pill organizer
Post it notes
Vouchers for gas
…And so on.
[I open my lunchbox to find a copy of the Magna Carta]
But that means…
[cut to British Library patrons thoughtfully examining a Capri Sun]
The children of the corn are probably the grandparents of the corn now. Like “no Billy Bob, only kill him a little, grandpa’s got enough for the blood sacrifice”