Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

“We’ll see” is Parentese for “No.”

I really think the person who first discovered the hallucinogenic effects of licking certain toads was probably on enough drugs already.

You burn more calories chasing after your cat than you get from eating it. It’s the celery of pets.

I never had to swim for my life in a shark attack but once I had to doggy-paddle really fast to get out of a pool when it was dessert time.

Men should feel comfortable with weeping openly.

Especially in front of a vending machine where the Reece’s slot is empty

Sure, a cooking robot was a great idea til he became sentient & burned your house down cause you didn’t fully appreciate his chicken Vesuvio

You can’t stop 80s kids. We were able to walk on sunshine, dance on the ceiling, shock the monkey, walk like an Egyptian, cut footloose, live on a prayer, burn down the house, whip it, rock the kasbah and still had time to wang chung tonight.

peacock: how’d the date go?

me: not so well

peacock: you show her your tail?

me: no i-

peacock: well there’s your problem dumbshit

My boss calls me “The computer”

Not because of my calculation skills but because I go to sleep when left unattended for 15 minutes.

I have discovered that theirs no popcorn in popcorn chicken. I guess there’s no point in bothering with hash browns then.

Kid’s tiny friend: My mom sent me here as she is cleaning our house.
My kid: why is she cleaning, is anyone visiting?

Nurse: You can come inside now.

*Stands up*

*Dusts off jacket*

*Straightens bow tie*

*Fastens cufflinks*

*Ahem*

“That’s what she said”

Twitter yesterday: We are outraged about the lion!
Twitter today: We are outraged about the outrage about the lion!

[gym]
ME: hey can you spot me
HIM: yeah
ME: *hiding under the bench* how about now

Lois : Clark, are those binoculars?
Clark Kent : Yes, I can’t find my glasses.
Lois : Put them down for a second.
Clark :
Lois :
Clark : No

Within every clean home is a room with a closed door containing a large pile of miscellaneous shit that someone just tossed in there.

Instead of a jar to collect change for vacation, I’m going to start one for bail money, for when it flip out on stupid people in public.

no offense but it feels like the “cicadas that come out every 17 years” happen every single summer…

Don’t know how anybody can hate on lazy people, we didn’t even do anything.

[Antarctic Courtroom]

Polar Bear: “You hated your wife didn’t you, Pingu!”

Walrus Judge: “Careful Mr Prosecutor. You’re on very thin ice”

Polar Bear: “Your honor, permission to approach the bench”

Walrus: “No. I…”

*Polar Bear takes step forward, plunges through melting ice

Morgan Freeman is in so many movies, I bet he just wanders onto film sets and says,”I’m in this now.”

[coworker interrupting my story about how my weekend was] first of all McDonald’s doesn’t even have soup

I confess that for many years I’ve used a highly successful tax avoidance scheme based on not earning any money.

*Superman saves the city by throwing a nuke into the ocean*
Crowd: Yay!!!
Aquman: Dude…

Doctors would be pretty cool superheroes except for the fact their weakness is apples.

I was a horrible mother today and declared that I loved one of my kids more than the other. Well what I really said was, ‘please don’t hit your sibling’ but apparently it’s the same thing

For April Fool’s Day, Pizza Hut Taiwan has rolled out a “flavorless” pizza, which is just a giant hole with nothing inside

eating plastic bags is awesome. i don’t know why everybody is getting mad at me for doing it

(On phone) Him: I just ran a marathon in under four? Me: (eating) months or years?

COP: someone’s been cutting everyone’s christmas lights but not yours
ME: i have no idea why a crustacean- i mean person would do that
[my pet lobster Susan slowly puts her big pincer behind her back]