My wife claims watching me do karate “isn’t foreplay.” Why am I even alive.
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The best part about shopping at Trader Joes is that the cashier reacts to every item they scan like you came up with it and grew it yourself
I hate this time of year when you have to check all your razors to make sure none of them are actually made of chocolate
You’re one day closer to death AND you get free cake? What’s not to like about birthdays?
I have some overdue fees at the library, if you’re into bad boys.
Jesus was actually killed by the FBI when he discovered birds weren’t real
Why do we always have to have a reason to get off the phone?
Why not, “Okay I’m done talking now bye”
Wooden Horsie 🐴
Product review:
The craftsmanship is beautiful & the quality of the wood is good. But interior is filled with Greek soldiers that ended up murdering everyone I love. Would NOT recommend this product to friends and family (because they’re all dead). 2/5 stars.
I love my kids and wouldn’t trade them for anything…
[both kids wake up sneezing]
…more than a giant bottle of hand sanitizer right about now.
I bet when kittens go to work in kitten offices that there’s always one kitten whose cubicle is decorated with pictures of lonely old ladies
Herbal tea…for when you want to drink some scented hot water.
My wife said we would save money on Halloween candy if we bought it at Aldi so I guess we’re handing out Twicks, Skattles, and 4 Musketeers.
I’m getting the sneaking suspicion that my therapist isn’t the one who’s supposed to be crying during our sessions.
[first date]
“so what do you do?”
*thinking about the jar of coins I plan to use for new shrubs* I’m a hedge fund manager
*runs away from it all*
*runs back*
*grabs phone charger*
*runs away from it all again*
Wife: WHERE IS THE PACK OF HERSHEY BARS I WAS GOING TO USE FOR S’MORES
Me [mouth full, face covered in chocolate]: we wer gunna haf smors?!
Tired of rap songs starting with MC going “uhuh uhuh…One two one two…Let’s do this…” No. You shoulda been ready when the song started.
A giant rabbit died on a United flight. One man is suspected of foul play. We tried to reach him for comment but he’s being vewy vewy quiet.
ME: make a clone of me for my wife
SCIENTIST: ok [makes a George Clooney]
ME: I said clone not Clooney. take it back
WIFE: wait a minute
Of course I stay hydrated.
Carbohydrated
Good morning to everyone except my son who asked why I haven’t had a real boyfriend in years.
[first day as a flight attendant]
Pilot: tell them we’re descending
Me: THE PLANE IS GOING DOWN
Pilot: wtf take it back they’ll panic
Me: WE ARE STAYING UP HERE FOREVER
I got all my coworkers condoms and bibles for Valentines Day because I’m praying they get laid
Door-to-door Christian guy: Jesus loves you.
Me: Really? Just me?
Him: Well, no. He loves everyone.
Me: I don’t have time for players.
If you’re gonna murder me in my house at least help me straighten it up a little for the crime scene photos.
January 27th is Mozart’s birthday. Mozart died at 34 years old.
Had he lived he would be 259 years old on Tuesday
My dad.
i think i understand why rhinos are going extinct
After a pretty wild late night last night, I was awoken at 8am by my neighbor mowing his lawn.
At first I was going to confront him about it but then I thought, whatever. He can just mow around me.
My kids at 7am: What’s for breakfast? Can I play Xbox? What are we doing today? What’s blue plus blue make?
Me:
