Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

FRIENDLY REMINDER: Frankenberry is not the cereal. He’s the guy who CREATED the cereal. The cereal is his monster.

Good: being told by your friends that you have a big heart
Bad: being told by your doctor that you have a big heart

My wife and children normally go to bed around 8:45. I do not. My house is very quiet and I am able to get a lot of work done while they’re sleeping.

About a minute ago, I turned around in my office just as my wife was coming to say hello.

I am ashamed of the scream I made.

I deduct 5% gratuity for every extra spoon my Cheesecake Factory server puts on my plate, “In case I feel like sharing.”

[commercial for babies]

*camera pans to a couple sleeping peacefully*

Narrator: don’t you hate this?

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Phew ✔
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The Chosen Phew

Nobody associated with Pizza Hut better say anything controversial. I need my stuff crust pizza

Best thing about staying in an Airbnb is trying to see what’s in that one locked closet.

“Well, you only live once.”
– Guy, convincing himself to skydive

“Well, you only live once.”
– Me, convincing myself not to skydive

pilot: ladies and gentlemen, this is your captain speaking. we have just reached our cruising altitude of 15,000 feet

guy with massive foot fetish: *visibly sweating*

Doctor: “You have a blockage in your small & large intestine”

Barista: …

Barista: …

Doctor: *Sigh* “Ok, Tall & Venti intestine.”

Then there were 3 sets of footprints & God said “This is Deb. She answered my Craigslist ad & U r the one who said we should try new things”

And that’s when I stopped telling the first half of my stories

Me: “Come on, what’s the worst that could happen?”
My Brain: “Let’s start an alphabetized list categorized by subject and severity, and when we run out of letters we’ll use numbers, and then hold on I should be writing this down”

I may lack the tail feathers needed to flirt like a peacock but i’ve never seen them manage to rock the Running Man dance so I think it’s clear who the real winner is here

Running is the best way to remind yourself how much you love sitting.

Well, I made it up past 9pm, so yeah, you could say my Friday night is wild and crazy.

Honk if you love Jesus. Text while driving if you’d like to meet Him.

My newly married friend begins most sentences with, “My husband said.” My go to response is, “My dogs haven’t said much today.”

Just microwaved some lasagna in an office full of carb-starved women, I feel like I’m in an axe body spray commercial

Hiring manager: what would you say are your greatest weaknesses?

Me: probably men with hairy knuckles. Oh, and a moist pot roast.

I got a 100 dollar giftcard to Kmart and now I can’t decide which Kmart I want to buy.

Video games don’t encourage violence nearly as much as piñatas do

Instead of a condom i keep a moist towelette in my wallet because i run into buffalo wings alot more often than sex

Million dollar idea: Selling shower heads at the exit of a Ryan Gosling movie

Mirror, mirror on the wall
Why so many fingerprints?

My new oil business is a nonprofit but only because I’m not making any money and just buying yachts.

Accordion to a recent survey, inserting musical instruments into sentences largely goes unnoticed.

My boyfriend said that I’m more than enough woman for him, and now I’m mad because I think he called me fat.

Me: let’s take those jeans!

Her: idk, that’s stealing

Me: *stuffing the jeans into my backpack* we’ll just walk out with them… no one will notice

Arby’s patron whose jeans I just pulled off: I’ve already noticed