My wife complained I never buy her flowers. She should look at her prices, there’s a much more competitively priced florist just up the road
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“Fine, I’m sorry, you win, just, please stop crying.” – my rap battle opponent
It’s so weird, when I was a kid BBC Radio 2 played dated songs for old people – but they must have had a policy change over the years cuz now they seem to play cool, awesome songs for young people like me!
Day 2 of my writing tips. As the greatest writer of my generation, I love helping young up-and-coming writers how to succeed in the biz. Today’s lesson is all about how to write a great murder mystery 👍
Relax, everything will be fine eventually, for like 7 people
When your cat crashes his bicycle in his dream.. 😂
If at first you don’t succeed, it’s called ‘Attempted’ Murder.
Real jealous of all the bears getting fat and preparing to sleep for months
All the good Liam Neeson jokes are Taken.
[January 1st]
Moon: whatcha gonna do today
Earth: START A REVOLUTION
One thing about marvel I like is that they use the same actor. It’s about 25 different Batman’s.
My son says I only had kids so I could make them do chores. Like yes, I made a bunch of messy, whiny poop machines so they could cry while doing a crap job of cleaning that I just have to redo later.
Soldiers seen here arriving before the infamous Battle of Baguettysburg.
The Goonies went looking for pirate treasure and ended up finding the greatest treasure of all: pirate treasure.
Directions on tooth whitener say avoid coffee, red wine and cola. If I could do that, why would I need whitener?
why are they throwing soup at paintings when my mouth is right here
I’ve been jogging for 6 minutes & there are, literally, 9 vultures circling above me.
Homophobic parents are right to be worried about their children turning gay after lessons about LGBT awareness. I lived as a Tudor wench for 2 years following a history class.
“‘ey kid READ THE SIGN!”
[First person to ride a horse]
‘I’m going to sit on that thing and I don’t care how angry it gets.’
we all know this pain all too well
I broke up with my high school girlfriend because I’m a nerd and she was a cheerleader, we were just wrong for each other. Also I never asked her out or even spoke to her, poor girl didn’t even know I existed.
[demonstrating my new invention, The Crocbrella] I did not think this through.
Here we go again. #MAsnow ❄️
Hobo-looking dad with preschooler who won’t stop seeks similarly afflicted for caffeine, playdates.
feeling cute. might rob a bank later.
[crashing my bike]
spin class instructor: how did you do that
Starting a band called “Get Off The Stage” so I can pretend everybody’s cheering me on
BOSS: Why aren’t these documents attached together?
ME: Sorry I couldn’t find my…[suddenly forgets the word stapler]…desk crocodile
People in the bar at closing time are kinda like samples at Costco.
Both seem so much better before you take them home.