Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

[Darth Vader sitting down]

DV: *takes sip of smoothie before spitting it out* What’s this?!? I said strawberry-banana!

Aid: We thought you might want to try kale again for your health my Lord

DV: You thought?

*begins force choking*

You have kale’d me for the last time

WELL, THEY NEED TO WALK A BIT QUICKER THEN, DON’T THEY?

I noticed my wife and kids were wearing vests so I put one on just so I could say “vest day ever” like a million times. Then I took it off just so I could mention that I wasn’t as invested as they were.

Me: *washes hands 97 times a day now*

Also me: *hasn’t washed coffee mug since 2003*

Facial recognition software, but it just explains Where You Know That Person From

ME: *points at my “World’s Greatest Dad” shirt*

CO-WORKER: *points at his own “World’s Greatest Dad” shirt*

ME: *takes a sip from my “World’s Greatest Dad” mug*

CO-WORKER: *sips from his own “World’s Greatest Dad” mug*

ME: [eyes narrow] *draws “World’s Greatest Dad” sword*

Hell hath no fury like a toddler that sets down their popsicle and then comes back 20 minutes later to get it.

I’ll never understand people who go through self-checkout line and slowly and carefully scan their items. This line is for STEALING

Really, every section of the greeting card aisle could be called “Societal Obligation.”

Son: can I get lunch money

Dad: I have a boyfriend

A cemetery foreman discovers that his employees cremated a body he explicitly told them to bury.

“You’ve made a grave mistake!” He fumes.

Summer is here! You know how I know? Cause it’s kinda hot outside. And because my panties have little watermelons on them.

me: wow you sure are playing hard to get

after-school appointment at my kid’s dentist: *blushes* oh you

[i’m on the ship’s deck, dragging around a board by a rope]

PIRATE CAPTAIN: *rubs temples* that’s not what i meant by “walk the plank”

At this point the virus has more names than a guy hiding from his wife on twitter.

So she was like, “Put on some protection”. I then pulled out & wore a yellow construction hat. We laughed & laughed & now I have herpes.

Guarantees in life:
1) death
2) taxes
3) me pulling the handle of your car door at the same moment you try to unlock it

Her: We’re having twins!

Me: WHO IS THE OTHER FATHER?!?!!

Not to brag but I used hand soap before it was trending.

Me: Yells at my kids to stop wasting water.

Also me: Washes same load of laundry three times.

When a man tells me he’s looking for a ‘real woman’ I scurry away because I’m actually three owls in a raincoat AND HE MUSTN’T FIND OUT.

[at restaurant]
Me: “I’m so hungry I could eat a horse”

Wife: “I’m the same”

Horse family at next table: *just sitting very still*

Fact: 80% of plane crashes happen in the first 3 minutes after takeoff or the last 8 minutes before landing. To make your flight safer, avoid being on a plane during those times.

[everyone in the STI clinic glaring at my Pokemon shirt]
“No no it means like, I want to catch all the Pokemon”

If quitters never win, and winners never quit, who came up with, “Quit while you’re still ahead?” 🤔😉🤣🤣

There is so much going on in this video … I don’t know who to focus on 😂😂😂 hilarious

I’m disgusted every time someone does a gender reveal and it’s a gender I already know about, what kind of reveal is that

“Don’t wind up the dog, he’ll be annoying”

Me:

As my grandma used to say, if a bear is sitting on your couch, you’ve drunk too much. If you’re not drunk, why aren’t you running?

Boss: And what’s your ideal salary?

Me: Well how much does the position pay?

Boss: That depends on how much you THINK it pays

Me: What if I overestimate how much it pays?

Boss: Then we won’t hire you

Me: What if I underestimate?

Boss: Congrats! You’re our ideal candidate!