My wife complains that I never open the car door for her, but when I do she’s all, “Stop it, you’re driving too fast! We’re on a bridge!”
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How to make ‘Small Talk’ with an Introvert:
Step 1: Identify the introvert
Step 2: Smile at the introvert and walk away without speaking
Step 3: Understand that the introvert enjoyed your time together
SANTA: *sees presents under Christmas tree already* what the? someone beat me to it
[a light glows in the corner]
ALEXA: what’s the matter, old sprite, not in your… prime?
If Popeye ate escargots instead of spinach would he be known as Popeye the snailor man?
#SpinachDay
An old natural remedy to soothe a broken heart is rubbing a jellyfish on it.
No one has a dog’s back like another dog. If a dog hears barking it will trust the other dog and join it bark first ask questions later….
A new poll shows that half of people would keep their current car forever if they could. “And now you CAN!” said the cost of living.
I told my wife the laundry on the couch ain’t gonna fold itself so if y’all don’t hear from me later she probably folded me like an omelet.
[attempting roleplay in the bedroom] how long have you lived in the neighborhood
pharmacy child-safety bottles have gone so far that i just have to swallow the bottle whole and hope my stomach knows what to do
If you eat enough hershey kisses, you can reform the wrappers into a kiss and replace it in the bowl. This is less funny if you live alone.
My daughter asked me if I know how to do the Running Man, like my generation didn’t invent it. Anyway, that’s what brings me to the ER.
[red carpet during zombie apocalypse]
“Who are you eating?”
“SOMEBODY had a lot of time on their hands.” What dull people say about creative people.
Show me someone who says they’ve traveled to the four corners of the earth and I will show you someone who’s failed geometry and geography.
Autocorrect says I am currently: all out of ducks to give, most of you are full of shot, twitter is overrun by aunts and life is a birch
Scotland……because even the Romans needed to meet a group of people that made them say “Nah…just build a wall and keep an eye on em”
I have an irrational fear that I’m accidentally making up words. I don’t want to be misunderstandable.
[first date]
Her: You made a giant Pentagram out of fries and ketchup?
Me: Just get naked and step into the circle. Don’t make this weird.
As someone who lost his pet worm at a RFK Jr event last year this is the worst day of my life
If reading bedtime stories to my son has taught me anything, it’s that mice lead much fuller, exciting lives than I do.
“Welcome to the future. Let me show you around. Here’s the bathroom. This is a robot that we invented that screams at your wet hands.”
my child dressed himself up as a police car. no not a police officer, a police car
Wrestling is the only sport that gets more embarrassing when you become a professional.
if my house is ever clean just know i must have murdered someone in there.
Birds & Planes.
[evil villain turns around in chair to confront adversary but spins too fast and does two complete revolutions before talking]
The first rule of fight club is to ask her, “Is that what you’re wearing?”
HER: I hate you
ME: Hate is such a strong word
[cut to hate benching 300 lbs]
HATE: *whispering* I will be the strongest word ever
Im so mad Trump pulled out of the Paris Climate Agreement that I’m going to go read the Paris Climate Agreement now.
*calls male escort service*
Whispers “How much for… you know… someone to go to Red Lobster with me.”