My wife complains that I never open the car door for her, but when I do she’s all, “Stop it, you’re driving too fast! We’re on a bridge!”
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*gets tax refund* *calls zoo*
Hello, how much to rent an otter for the day? Please say less than $47. Hello?
My daughter gets all bossy when we’re playing with her Barbies, but I just smile. Then when she’s at school I play with them the way I want.
ME: bartender. another.
BARTENDER: but you just-
ME: *slams fist on bar* ANOTHER
[bartender reluctantly hands me another moist towelette]
[the invention of tennis]
“I don’t want this ball.”
“Well, I don’t want it either.”
Keep your friends close and your fat friends closer, because snacks.
couple weeks ago I saw a drunk guy in the crowd at a baseball game enthusiastically chanting “baseball game!” I think about him every day
Just ended another email with, “Let me know if you have any questions,” like I have any idea what’s going on.
I’ve wasted so much of my life on terrible boyfriends but I’ll never regret the time I’ve spent training my fruit bat Bing to remove all the raisins from my trail mix.
He works with his crew: Woody Flores, John C. Ling, Raisa Roofe, and their boss, Bill DeHaus.
Yes aunty, I do like jello. And, of course, I adore feta . Why did you have to combine them
her: are u excited for the next Star Wars
me: [sweating] did we win the last one
*Buys Samsung smart fridge. Opens app every 15 minutes to see if there’s anything good in there*
BOSS: I see you got the memo about not vaping in the men’s restroom?
ME: [vaping in the ladies restroom] I did.
Do I have a plan for the zombie apocalypse? I don’t even have a battery in my smoke detector and fire is real.
me: who’s a good boy?!?! you are!! the best boy!! such a good boy!!
My boyfriend handing me my takeout: can you stop doing this
He was a sperm,
she was an egg
can i make it anymore ovulous
If the US ends up in a civil war the history books will be insane, like did you read about the Battle of Burger King? You didn’t?! Let me tell ya, it was a whopper
13: *staring glumly at garden* Why so much spinach?
-Ordering a pizza $40
-Having it delivered $5
-Having your kids eat the whole thing before you get home
Sliceless
I need money in a hurry. How quickly does lotto pay out? Also, what are the winning numbers?
At least I can garauntee that if I’m murdered nobody is going to pull that whole, ‘She lit up a room’ crap.
“none of your ridiculous drink recipes tonight, ok dan?”
I promise
[later]
*stuffing flatbread into blender* WHO WANTS A PITA COLADA
Imagine if spiders screamed at us when we found them.
*Logging into Reddit in a wig and fake mustache*
Gentlemen, I think we should really stick it to Wall Street by finding me a girlfriend
Being an adult is like being a paper clip. Everyone knows you’re twisted, but you’re expected to hold a lot of things together.
[inventing jogging]
how can I suffer but with music
People believe that they have brains but maybe that’s just inside their heads.
If I was a giraffe, I’d get a neck tattoo of the Empire State Building.