@fowlerism
As I sail away from the Island of Lollipops, never to return, tears well in my eyes and I wave goodbye to each and every lollipop, the only friends I have ever known. “So long, suckers,” I whisper through trembling lips
@garrettbarry70
My wife complains that my socks are too big for her but she doesn’t care that her bra pinches my back.
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@fowlerism
@Mom_Overboard
Someone: wanna hear something interesting?
Anxiety: for the love of God say no SAY NO
Me: sure
Anxiety: you brought this on yourself
@Gupton68
The only thing worse than discovering that celery is an aphrodisiac, is knowing that people who eat celery may actually have sex.
@ch000ch
*crawls back up a waterslide for 2 hours* did you say “go dudette” or “no not yet”
@stephenjmolloy
Wife: “How did your first day as a lifeguard go?”
Me: “Amazingly well, thanks. Everyone was so friendly and waving at me.”
@batsVsupes
@gvicks
2020; January, February, Quarantine, December.
@RawspberryJamb
“If you love something, set it free. If it comes back it’s yours”
– Inventors of boomerangs
@FatherWithTwins
Good news: My son cleaned his room
Bad news: He found his harmonica
@lanyardtwerk
Oh. This is hand *Satanizer.* Well, is my face red with the blood of innocents.