As I sail away from the Island of Lollipops, never to return, tears well in my eyes and I wave goodbye to each and every lollipop, the only friends I have ever known. “So long, suckers,” I whisper through trembling lips
My wife complains that my socks are too big for her but she doesn’t care that her bra pinches my back.
You Might Also Like
Someone: wanna hear something interesting?
Anxiety: for the love of God say no SAY NO
Anxiety: you brought this on yourself
The only thing worse than discovering that celery is an aphrodisiac, is knowing that people who eat celery may actually have sex.
*crawls back up a waterslide for 2 hours* did you say “go dudette” or “no not yet”
Wife: “How did your first day as a lifeguard go?”
Me: “Amazingly well, thanks. Everyone was so friendly and waving at me.”
2020; January, February, Quarantine, December.
“If you love something, set it free. If it comes back it’s yours”
– Inventors of boomerangs
Good news: My son cleaned his room
Bad news: He found his harmonica
Oh. This is hand *Satanizer.* Well, is my face red with the blood of innocents.