@garrettbarry70

My wife complains that my socks are too big for her but she doesn’t care that her bra pinches my back.

You Might Also Like

@fowlerism

As I sail away from the Island of Lollipops, never to return, tears well in my eyes and I wave goodbye to each and every lollipop, the only friends I have ever known. “So long, suckers,” I whisper through trembling lips

@Mom_Overboard

Someone: wanna hear something interesting?

Anxiety: for the love of God say no SAY NO

Me: sure

Anxiety: you brought this on yourself

@Gupton68

The only thing worse than discovering that celery is an aphrodisiac, is knowing that people who eat celery may actually have sex.

@ch000ch

*crawls back up a waterslide for 2 hours* did you say “go dudette” or “no not yet”

@stephenjmolloy

Wife: “How did your first day as a lifeguard go?”

Me: “Amazingly well, thanks. Everyone was so friendly and waving at me.”

@gvicks

2020; January, February, Quarantine, December.

@RawspberryJamb

“If you love something, set it free. If it comes back it’s yours”

– Inventors of boomerangs

@lanyardtwerk

Oh. This is hand *Satanizer.* Well, is my face red with the blood of innocents.