My son has to write 5 sentences tonight.
Our family thanks you for your thoughts and prayers during this difficult time.
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My sex tape is me laying on the bed trying to zip my skinny jeans from last year.
me: i feel like im being singled out because im the oldest person in this karate class and im winning all my matches
them: this is a daycare and you are under arrest
A 23-yr-old woman in India fought off an adult tiger with a stick.
My cat stole my tuna sandwich right out of my hand.
[grocery store]
me: *reaches for the last big pot pie*
little old lady: *reaches for the last big pot pie*
[kill bill sirens]
those guys holding fish in their dating profile pictures are just demonstrating how they’ll carry you over the threshold after marriage.
will you marry me?
“OMG YES! I love you!!!”
*imagines typing only 4 characters for ‘wife’ instead of ‘girlfriend’ on Twitter*
I love you too
I don’t think I could pass a polygraph, even the simple questions because I overthink. They would ask is Amanda is my name and I’d be conflicted because I know my birthname before I was adopted or they would ask if I had ever did acid & I haven’t but I use hyaluronic in skincare.
I thought I brushed my hair before I left for work, but the mirror in the office bathroom has a different opinion.
i would wish you the best but i am the best
Tweet thief [secretly the Backstreet Boys] 🎶am I original?
– Naaah –
Tweet thief: 🎶am I the only one
– LOL NO –
Tweet thief: 🎶am I SEXUAL
*Awkward silence*
I’m not saying I’m going to become a heart surgeon or anything but I DID just open the beginning of a new toilet paper roll with no rips.
Adding oatmeal to your bath soap doesn’t make it taste any better
BLIND DATE: My last boyfriend thought he was such hot stuff. But he was really just a big fish in a small pond.
ME, a giant worm in a hat and trench-coat: Ha, what a loser! But seriously like how big specifically though?
Answer my phone? No thanks.
I’ve seen what happens to Liam Neeson.
Girls want a bad boy to fix.
Boys want a good girl to corrupt.
Me? I just want a rumbustious monkey as a butler.
Them: “Live in the moment!”
Me: “HAVE YOU SEEN THIS MOMENT?”
The temperature went from 90 to 55 like it saw a state trooper
Although we’ve been together for 30+ years, my wife discovered only yesterday that I actually do quite a passable Charles impersonation.
It’s completely revolutionised our lovemaking, I tell you.
Just remembered when my high school changed the dress code to forbid “non-human-colored hair,” and this girl showed up with neon-pink braids the next day, and when they tried to send her home her mom said “I’m her colorist and I am in fact human.”
Why the hell do they call it fruit punch, like where do they get “punch” fr..
*gets knocked out by a grapefruit*
howdy. i’m a sheriff in this here movie or show. and if i see somethin startlin? well… best believe i’m takin my hat off at it. real slow
ME: (falling to my death in an elevator shaft) lol shaft
I’m eating a vegan lunch today. Sure, it’s six sleeves of Smarties and a Diet Coke, but I’m still better than you.
told my husband I was going to start eating healthy again and he went and bought girl scout cookies like someone who doesn’t value his life
If your wife asks which friend would you like to have a threesome with, name her. Not two of her friends. Trust me guys.
A haunted house, but instead of masked creatures it’s filled with everyone’s mother-in-laws.
I just got a DM from a chick asking for a retweet and she didn’t even attempt to tell me how good looking or funny I was first, so rude.
My parent trap worked perfectly. I now have five parents.
#JohnTravolta