My wife complains that she has a big ass, I just wish she would stop pointing at me when she says it.
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me: hips like a canadian goose
girl in club: is that good?
My father once told me, “Son, if you want people to listen to what you have to say, claim it’s something your father told you.”
You say no portion control, I say treating every meal like it’s your last
when serial killers go for a run do they take the psycho path
Printer ink is expensive
“If you build a lasagna, I will come.”
– Garfield of Dreams
Parenting sometimes feels like you’re an elevator. Lots of ups and downs and the kids love to push your buttons.
I get it dogs, I wish I could yell at strangers approaching my house too
M: I don’t regret my past. I’m far too cold and calculating for regrets.
Lawyer: Okay, so I don’t want you saying that at the trial.
sweet dreams💖
I remember when it was called “drinking a glass of water” instead of “hydrating.”
11,780 cans of beans on the wall…
my kid has gone trick-or-treating in the same costume for 3 or 4 years in a row. no attempt to entertain the neighborhood, just punching the clock and taking their candy. 🫡
Okay back to it and remember, you can’t say anger without saying grrrr
Writing tip: Give your characters different names. If all your characters are named “Nathan”, readers will become confused.
I’m in a hotel and someone named Emily has multi mode turned on. Should I connect to her speaker and put on this playlist
[at restaurant trying not to let anyone know I’m a koala]
Waiter: “what can I get u?”
“do u have any eucalyptus?”
*restaurant goes quiet*
*boyfriend calls girlfriend*
Bf: “Hey Babe, I love you!”
Gf: “we’re breaking up”
Bf: “no we’re not, I can hear you just fine.”
12653.
[at restaurant]
-sees baby screaming in high chair
-walks over & picks baby up
-walks outside & puts baby down“You’re free,” I whisper.
*arrives in Las Vegas for first time at age 36*
Me: (in taxi on the Strip) Oh hell yes there’s a Walgreens AND a CVS next to my hotel.
I’ve done 10 sit-ups today, I can’t take much more of this ab use.
Walmart bathrooms is my favorite place for me to feel like I’m taking a piss on the set of the movie “Saw”
since i quit vaping and drastically cut down alcohol consumption, my sweet tooth is out of control. i almost never ate dessert before and now im like ah yes the traditional 9am seven layer cake.
[kung fu fight]
“Your tiger claw is no match for my crane.”
*starts lifting heavy building materials*
My daughter likes to give me her failed artwork, claiming it was made with all her love just for me. Then she grabs a new piece of paper to make her drawing better and keeps that for herself. Well played, little one. Well played.
He thinks the lipstick kiss I left on his bedroom mirror was for him, but I was just kissing my reflection.
JUDGE: So to be clear, you’re pleading not guilty to stealing the child’s shoes?
ME: [heelies up to the mic] That’s correct
“Why do old people keep getting scammed by phone calls?” wonders a generation that just sent a headshot and access to the data stored on their iPhones to a company they’ve never heard of before
If by prepped for Irma you mean have I eaten all the ice cream before the power goes out then yes I’m totally prepped for Irma.