My wife complains that she has a big ass, I just wish she would stop pointing at me when she says it.
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Well if this doesn’t sum up 2024 perfectly I don’t know what does
Time is precious, waste it wisely.
very demi lovato saying their favorite dish is a mug because it can hold hot liquids
Dear America
Would you please take the ‘s’ off the word ‘legos’ and put it back on the word ‘math’ where it belongs.
Many thanks
England
My husband just screamed NOOOOOO so loud I thought something was horribly wrong. Don’t worry you guys, no one is injured, someone just hit their ball in the water at the Master’s.
When the skirt was invented women only had one leg
One of my kids opened a new bottle of salad dressing and immediately lost the lid. The next day another child of mine opened a new bottle of dressing, same brand and also immediately lost the lid. It’s not life or death but it is a fair example of why I rub my temples a lot.
I howl at the moon for fun and absolutely shit myself as the moon howls back, inciting several other moons in the solar system to also howl at me
I want to see Taylor Swift and Rupi Kaur fight each other.
*his phone rings*
Me: who is she?
Him: huh
Me: who is Potential Spam!?
genie: u have three wishes, but u can’t make someone love u
me: random rule but ok
genie: seriously don’t even try
me: ok i won’t
genie:
me:
genie: *crying* trust me it doesn’t work
[American TV]
SHOWRUNNER: We’ll have 184 episodes over 8 years and possibly 3 spin-offs.[British TV]
SHOWRUNNER: We’ll run for 63 years. There will be one episode a year. Some years there won’t be any. Alternatively we can do 8 episodes right now then never mention it again.
Her: Stop being absurd. Just be yourself.
Me: Make up your mind.
IF POT GETS LEGALIZED WHAT’S TO STOP SOMEONE WHO WANTS TO SMOKE A HORSE
“Always bring a nail file, scissors, tweezers, a corkscrew, a toothpick and a bottle opener to a knife fight”
– The Swiss Army
In the United States a man gets kicked in the groin every 6.2 seconds. I would hate to be that man.
Last night I slept for 8 hours straight, and then for 2 hours gay.
Not sure if whoever designed parking garages is an architectural genius or sadist
A fun thing about toddlers is that they will pretend to eat tacos but as soon as you make them for dinner they’re ‘gistusting.’
Not everyone was dancing in the moonlight. Some of us were trying to sleep.
I ordered the chick on page 3 in the Victoria’s Secret catalog…
But all they sent me was her underwear.
I am at my most sexiest when I have to wash my hair twice in one day because I got ranch dressing in my hair from eating wings for dinner. Line forms to the left, gentlemen.
Me: *from downstairs* what’s it called when a word describes the sound something makes?
Her: it’s onomatopoeia.
Me: on what mat up there?
Windbreakers only want one thing and it’s dis-gusting
My cat tried to knock over my TV this morning. WHY ARE MY BEST FRIENDS FIGHTING?!
*weather drops 2 degrees*
me: it’s beginning to look a lot like Christmas
Three turkeys ran through the yard and all I could think was “wait guys, I’m coming too.”
When a bite of food falls off your plate… And you just stare at it on the ground like, “We could’ve made each other happy…”
My cat flicked a spider in my face just now. Soon as I finish screaming it’s time for me to go to bed
Being a man in biblical times must’ve been hard. You’re busy then your wife says, “Someone parted the Red Sea & you’re here watching sheep.”