My wife complains when mosquitoes get into the house, but she gets super mad when I release bats in the living room. Make up your mind, woman!
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*Working at Walmart*
Lady: Hi these Thanksgiving Turkeys are a little small. Do they get any bigger?
Me: No Ma’am, they are dead
There’s no such thing as “fair trade” honey. Those bees are gettin’ screwed.
People only fall for me because I give them a swift leg swoop when they least expect it.
I’m sorry that you guys asked for this but the answer is yes, you would.
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once i’ve learned to lay gigantic eggs and run 50 mph, it’s over for you ostriches.
Mugger: *holding knife* give me your money
Me: please, I have a family
Mugger: gimme the money and I won’t hurt you
Me: but I have a family
Mugger: do y- do you want me to stab you?
Me: more than anything
“Oh really? Sorry, my emails have been acting funny lately”
They haven’t.
What did Jay-Z call his girlfriend before getting married?
Feyonce.
*drops mic, throws up dynasty sign*
sorry cinderella but if he couldn’t recognize your face without your designer shoes on I have some news
Had an epiphany today.
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I tried to check your drinking water for quality and freshness. Next time please warn me when it’s sparkly water that will bite my nose holes
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Now kids have it easy. When I was young, the hot singles in my area had to walk the streets yelling they wanted sex with me thru a megaphone
Told my daughter that whoever takes the longest nap gets to choose what’s for dinner.
And now we wait.
What woman say right before they kill you:
Wow.
Fine.
Whatever.
No problem.
I’m not mad.
Nothing’s wrong.
Sure, stay friends with your ex.
Why do all these blurry people keep telling me I’m drunk?
11:30pm is the time each night when I ask myself the ancient question of the universe: what if I just ate everything
Even if I was bitten by a radioactive spider, I’d still be inherently lazy. I wouldn’t be out fighting crime, I’d just be slinging a web to grab some snacks without getting up from the couch.
Jellyfish have no brains yet are capable of learning from past experiences. They will change their behavior to avoid repeating a negative event.
Meanwhile you’re sitting there texting your ex again
Walk up to a girl, sniff her hair, and whisper “Perfect. Master will love you.” This is a great way to increase your tolerance to Mace…
which department at your work thinks they know everything but constantly screws things up and why is I.T.
For my lower body, I do 30 squats and 30 lunges. For my upper body, I put on and take off my sports bra.
What was the point in making your car louder, bro?
Do you really want women to turn their heads and notice you drive a 1999 Honda Civic?
That’s amazing.
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🎶Where did you come from?
Where did you go?🎶Me, seeing a mouse run past me across the kitchen floor
The Honey Badger is my favourite animal that sounds like a really scary breakfast cereal.
I just passed a beer truck on the highway.
“Wait a minute. I’m named after beer?!!?”
-My 6 yr old son, Miller
Sad news. My girlfriend Lorraine has dumped me.
She found out I was seeing another girl called Claire Lee.
Good news is, I can see Claire Lee now Lorraine has gone.
Has anyone else noticed when time travelers grab you buy your shoulders and ask what year it is and you tell them, they don’t reply, “then I’m not too late” anymore?
That’s kind of worrying.
My 3yo explaining pizza delivery:
“You hear the doorbell, then you open the door, then a person is suddenly there, and then they give you a pizza. And then they disappear into the night.”