Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

[Uncle Sam opening gifts at his July 4 birthday celebration]
*sigh* another stars and stripes top hat

Me: I lost 3 pounds!

Domino’s: I found them for you.

Someone called their dog “ugly” and I was not even prepared to fight a stranger today.

Nephew: What’s love?

Me: Well, all the women text you except the one you like. And it hurts, so we drink.

Sister: Get away from him!

*Unplugs your smart car to charge phone

Friend: what are your 2018 resolutions?

Me: I didn’t even make 1, let alone 2018 of them

MUFASA: Everything the light touches is our kingdom.
ME: What about shadows or when it’s cloudy?
MUFASA: *Sigh* Wh…why are you like this?

I just *puff* completed a [leans on wall to steady myself] 5km run in *puff* 30 minutes for the [wipes bucket of sweat from face] first time ever [adds “fit” to bio before collapsing]

Lost my car keys so I’m forcing the guy at Home Depot to make me new ones based on what I remember about them.

wife: The school called. Guess why?
[flashback to me telling my son every answer on his math homework was 69]
me: Why?

Boss: We’ve just found out that one of you is a sloth

Jim: oh no

Jo: oh no

Karl: oh no

Boss: obviously we will need to

Me: oh no

How often do you think they wash the Muppets?

last night i was walking frankie and she started sniffing the air rly intently so i let her follow the trail cause i was like omg what if it’s a missing person?? we could save them!!! but no, it was a grilled cheese sandwich in a bush 😔

I have a photographic memory, but I’ve run out of film

Red Skull’s name is pretty on-the-nose. How did his parents know.

Stop saying “11/11/11” only happens once in a lifetime. EVERY date only happens once in a lifetime. That’s how time works.

*overheard in 6’s virtual class*

6: I saw a raccoon our backyard yesterday, and I wanted to show it to my mom, but it ran away.

Kid: Oh, are raccoons scared of your mom?

The ice cream man is not impressed how much faster I run than children.

[gets pulled over for driving in the HOV lane alone] BEETLEJUICE BEETLEJUICE BEETLEJUICE
[cop walks up] what the heck

Mashed, baked or roasted? I could be asking either how you prefer your potatoes or how you like to spend your weekends.

Got banned for life from McDonald’s for asking the cashier if the Filet-O-Fish was made of Mc-Erel

Me (severely dehydrated): This churro is overcooked, and I can barely taste the cinnamon

Lifeguard: sir, put down the pool noodle

[seance]
wife: “if there are any spirits here please show us a sign”
me:
wife:
me:
wife: “keith, say something”
me: “im scared”
[glass starts to move on ouija board]
H I S C A R E D
me: “goddamnit dad”

I like to forget Instagram exists for weeks at a time then remember and send 83 chubby animal videos to my best friend.

Doc: So where’d you get your stage name?

Prince Charming: This is my real name

Doc: Right

Grumpy: Sounds legit *rolls eyes*

Prince Charming: You doubt me? I saved your beloved Snow White!

Doc: You made out with an unconscious lady

Prince Charming:

Grumpy: Charming indeed

A general rule of parenting: If you’re having a great day, a 4yo will be along shortly to vomit all over you.

[kitchen]
“Please pass the bee-nut butte-”
*wife glares*
“-the honey”