Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

This is a post about animal excrement and the English language.

bull$#!% = nonsense/lies
chicken$#!% = petty or cowardly
horse$#!% = nonsense/lies
dog$#!%= low quality
ape$#!% = wild
bat$#!%= crazy

Ordered above from oldest to newest: bull$#!% (1914), bat$#!% (1971).

My wife says I can’t be a Twitter Dom until I finish my chores.

Interviewer: We offer great benefits.

Me: Can I take my two weeks vacation before I start?

What kinda psychopath tries to get in touch with someone by calling them on the phone. What is this…1984?

Did a great workout at home this morning by running 25 times up and down 15 flights of stairs to make sure the iron was unplugged.

ME: my ideal first date? well to me it dosent matter wat we do as long as we share a conection
JOB INTERVIEWER: i meant how soon can u start

mom: I’m not your friend I’m your mother!

[20 years later]

mom: why won’t you accept my friend request on FB? I’m your mother

Me: Do you want in or out?
My dog: Yes.

I think I could be a pretty good boxer as long as the other guy isn’t allowed to hit me.

Just went for a piss while still wearing my microphone and the whole conference heard me call the urinal a “thirsty boy”

When the chips are down, don’t worry. The dog will get em.

*lost in China*
Friend: ask that man where we are

Me [pretending to speak Chinese with a local]: xian chan sēn

F: well?
Me: we’re in China

*cracking knuckles, sharpening ax, loading 12-gauge*

Alright, it’s time to recite some poetry

My husband says I’m not heavy enough to make an impact when I stand on him to massage him so I now have the perfect excuse to eat all the cake

Gas is so cheap right now, I just buy a new car when I run out.

[physical exam]
PROCTOLOGIST: can you tell me how many fingers i’m holding up?

Trust that the Hallmark Channel filmed three whole Christmas movies during the 10 minutes it was snowing in Burbank.

mr sandman / bring me some beans
(bum bum bum bum)
I’ll take some refried, lima, pinto, or green

Me to me: I’m pretty garbage

Someone complimenting me: You’re so great
Me: You’re absolutely wrong

Someone insulting me: You suck
Me: Listen here you little shit I’m amazing

How did Hitler tie his shoes?

In knotsies.

(The unfollow button is only a click away)

Bread pudding is not a dessert. it is just wet bread. do not fall for this scam. Resist.

Her: He cheated on me with my best friend!! 😭

Me: 😐☹️

Me: I thought I was your best friend 😭

me *sees wife’s cheesecake*
future me [sent here to warn me what would happen if I ate it] *knocks on the front door*
me *already eating it*

Son: the tooth fairy didn’t leave me any money
Me, forgetting he put a tooth under his pillow because I was up playing Fortnite until 4am: yeah I’m afraid she died

lawyer: I haven’t won a case since last year’s hearing loss.

me: what was the hearing for?

lawyer: WHAT?

me: the hearing.

lawyer: WHAT?

Me: Teacher, is it pronounced neither or neither?
T: It’s neither.
Me: So they’re both wrong?
T: I say neither, but you can say either.
Me: It can’t be either neither, you have to pick a neither.
T: Neither the school nor your parents pay me enough for this shit.

If I get murdered please arrest the person who goes on tv and says I had “a zest for life.” I don’t care if they’re the killer but I don’t want my memory disrespected like that.

“I love you.”
“I love you, two.”
Because multiple personality disorder.

people who live alone should get one practice conversation before they have to speak out loud for the first time that day

I was attacked by two owls simultaneously. They were in cahoots.