My wife complains when mosquitoes get into the house, but she gets super mad when I release bats in the living room. Make up your mind, woman!
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Me: I prefer the natural look
Sephora: oh, then you’ll need these 15 products
[on the way home]
Me: I have some tea to share with you
13, looking super confused: can, can I have it?
Me: no, tea as in like gossip
13: what, what brand is that?
The next time some pretentious wine snob pours you a glass of wine, expecting you to wax lyrical, sip it then say, “Promising”.
That’ll knock the wind out of his sails.
Friend nagged me for TDKR OST. Renamed Backstreet Boys song and mailed them to him. Fun.
I’m exactly like Rocky in that, I challenge people to fight while I’m slurring my words.
My kid just asked me to help with her art project and I said “aw, why did you choose me?” and she said “because you suck at math”
Should I be annoyed or smug that I continually show up in the LinkedIn recruiter search of the company that laid me off
just drank a fifth of lava lamp juice, dare me to drive?
Once, I had a dream so bad I threw away the pillow.
Me: Any news?
Doctor: I’m just waiting for your x-ray.
Me: But I’ve never dated anyone called Ray.
Doctor: And we might do a brain scan.
How do mathematicians plot their leg day workouts?
With quad-ratic equations.
[at a chemistry convention]
Him: “You’re so-dium cute, but are you always this salty?”
Me: “Na, not always. Just periodically.”
Relationship status: my period comes more often than I do.
Tide Pods need a little seasoning?
Sprinkle some bath salts on top.
[Wendy’s Job Interview]
INTERVIEWER: Ok let’s role play. You’re working the drive through and I’m a customer ordering.
ME: Sir please get back in your car.
INTERVIEWER: {under breath} Brilliant.
︎ ︎︎ ︎ ︎ ︎︎︎ ︎︎ ︎ ︎ ︎︎︎ ︎︎ ︎ ︎ ︎︎︎ ︎︎ ︎ ︎ ︎︎︎ ︎︎ ︎ ︎ ︎︎︎ ︎︎ ︎ ︎ ︎︎︎ ︎︎ ︎ ︎ ︎︎︎ ︎︎ ︎ ︎ ︎︎
Me: It’s just a piece of paper, it won’t change anything between us.
Him: It’s a police report.
A stranger on the internet told me I probably have better things to do than spend time on Twitter.
It’s like he doesn’t even know me at all.
[Enters Building]
“Excuse…”
*Voice fades*
“… anyone…”
“… how to…”
“… out this…”
“… ving door?”
One side of our sink has a garbage disposal. The other side is where my daughter just dumped a full bowl of cereal.
people should stop trying to drive the biggest cars and start trying to drive the goofiest shaped cars. i want to drive a car in the shape of a pizza slice
After all the tasty socks my washer has decided to have masks for dessert.
You better wish for more oil
Little known fact: the eye is actually the least dangerous part of the entire tiger
Instagram: “Look at my sushi!”
Vine: “Look at my sushi for six seconds!”
My high school “best friend” unfriended me on Facebook, so I guess the weight loss is noticeable.
[bleeding out]
ER Doctor: do you know your blood type?
ME: I’ve never really thought about it TBH. As long as it has a good personality
And YOU get a vegetable pod!
And YOU get a vegetable pod!
And YOU get a vegetable pod!
And YOU get a vegetable pod!
~ The Okra Show
Eventually there’ll be another civil war and you’ll still have to go into work.
For several weeks my preschooler has begged to go to a farm to pick her own fruits and veggies. Last Sunday we planned a special day and made the hour drive to learn that what she really wanted was to wear overalls.