Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Smart cars are what happens when Optimus Prime gets drunk and has sex with his vacuum cleaner.

Sure I’d love a long chat. Let me make you more comfortable. *slides a cactus plant between us*

I asked my driving instructor if I passed my driving test, he told me “no” as we swam ashore.

Should I call tech support or pray or what

LIBRARIAN: our library has three stories

ME: shouldn’t it have more?

Get pissed all you want but if we brought a screaming baby into your workplace you would ask us to leave it outside too.

I could not be more annoyed

*checks Twitter*

Ok, I’m more annoyed

Me: Our neighbor is such a perv

Wife: Is he staring at our bedroom window again?

Me: *sets down binoculars* Yep

I’m going to complain about the cold until a Canadian gets mad enough to say something rude, like ‘I’m sorry but it’s colder in Canada.”

Stopped by my parents house with the dog. We both ran upstairs and tripped at the exact same time as we’ve obviously forgotten how stairs work.

[dragging a corpse to the shed]

NEIGHBOR: putting away the halloween decorations?

ME: decorations?

DATE: I want someone who can cook

ME: [fully aware that I eat waffles while they are still frozen] I love cooking

If you introduce yourself as Sal, just know that I will be disappointed when you reveal that’s NOT short for Salami

Just saw a man wearing a pager. Apparently, he’s expecting a very important call from someone in 1994.

When you ask her
“Have you ever read Shakespeare?”

And she answers
“No, who wrote it?” ….

Keep moving.

I accidentally put my yoga pants on backwards this morning; and I’m absolutely horrified to say, they’ve never fit better.

Spring of Deception

I’m bringing microwave mashed potatoes to my works Thanksgiving lunch because I dont really like any of my coworkers enough to peel potatoes for them.

If you find what your other half shows you on their phone funny and they find what you show them on your phone funny, it’s an indication that you’re not married.

This meeting could have been a cake

This Prius we rented is pretty sweet. It can go 0-60 in 6 hours.

sugar glider wrangler

Cat: WHERE AM GO?
Me: uh
Cat: PLS DO NOT SAY VET
Me: well
Me: um
Cat: U HAVE BETRAYED CAT

Don’t get your panties in a bunch. The nicer ones are sold individually.

BOSS: why are you late?

ME:

You ever look someone in the eyes and it’s just blank? Like, you can see right into the filing cabinet of their brain and all the drawers are empty

“If all your friends jumped”

‘Yes’

“But if they”

‘Yes’

“But”

‘IF I EVER GET FRIENDS I’M GOING TO DO WHATEVER THEY WANT ME TO, OK MOM?

I shall play you the song of my people
*stomach growls*

SOCRATES: The only thing I know is that I know nothing.
ME: Aw, hey, don’t say that. You know things.
SOCRATES: No, I meant—
ME: If you want I can teach you some stuff.
SOCRATES:
ME:
SOCRATES:
ME: *Points* That’s a tree.

[Cocktail bar]
WAITER: Ok, what are you having?

DATE: The worst night of my life

ME: [scanning menu] haha what a name to give a cocktail