My wife completely ignores me when she watches Grey’s Anatomy……so I ordered the first 5 seasons.
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I saw a woman I work with in line at the pharmacy and instinctively said “hey what are you here for?” She blushed and didn’t respond in case you’re wondering about my ability to create awkward situations
People think i am so incapable of doing anything on my own that even if i commit suicide they would say it was murder.
Person: “Why are you in a wheelchair?”
Me [from my wheelchair]: “My jet pack is in the shop.”
ANCHOR: Now over to Mike for the weather.
ME: IT’S REALLY WEATHERY RIGHT NOW, CARL, WITH MORE WEATHER TO COME! THAT’S IT FOR THE WEATHER!
“Full bath?”
“Yes sir”
“Double beds?”
“Yes sir”
“Pool?”
“Yes sir”
“Maid service?”
“Yes sir”
“WIFI?”
“Yes sir”“Kids, I found a campsite!”
If only my parents had given me a memorable first name.
Friday
If you took a billionaire’s money away, they would just earn it back again. Cream rises to the top.
I’m so confident about this, I think we should prove it by taking all the billionaires’ money away.
I just want to walk in to a random workplace, put fish in the microwave for 10 minutes on high. Then just sit back and watch the fireworks.
Sometimes you think you only have one cat but after you stay home a week you find you have two that look alike.
[funeral]
ME: [giving eulogy] we lost a man, but we gained a corpse
*phone rings*
Wife: “Quick! Pretend I’m not in!”
Me (a dad): “Hello. Yes my wife is here. Hey, Not In. It’s for you.”
Wife: “….”
Everyone in Canada is really pretty which means I should probably move there
I think it’s funny when people talk about the placement of a hair part being in or out of style, like thanks for the info but my hair does not involve me in any of its decision making processes.
Do people who get meal kits shipped to their home know they can have restaurants deliver food that’s already cooked?
Start every meeting with, “Let’s just agree to disagree.”
[interview]
Where do you see yourself in the next 5 years?
Me: “OMG I’M NOT A PSYCHIC THE SIGN SAID NO SKILLS REQUIRED!”
I really love how squirrels get extra chubby heading into winter mostly because it’s super relatable
There are two types of people in politics. Avoid them.
Hell hath no fury like a 5 yo who doesn’t want his brother to stare at him in the car.
Did you fall out of a vending machine?
Cause you look like a snack!
A school’s Open House is a great way to find out how many projects you’ll be doing for your kids all year.
What’s heavier? A kilogramme of steel, or a kilogramme of feathers?
When I was a kid $100 was a lot of money. Just like it is now.
Boy, are you a protractor because with all your measured angles and collected numbers you’re such a transparent tool.
Yesterday, I build a closet. Today, I’m making jam. Tomorrow, I’m ending inequality. Jk, I’m reenacting Connan the barbarian with sock puppets
The key to being remembered isn’t delivering some big all encompassing piece of wisdom, my grandpa taught me that pinching the tail of a shrimp helps you get all the meat out and now he briefly lives again each time I go shrimp mode (happens a lot)
What doesn’t kill you leaves you feeling rejected and wondering why you weren’t good enough for death.
Me (drunk): I was over served tonight
Friend: aren’t you home alone?
Me: OVER SERVED!
i remember when i was like 19 i met sza and i told her ctrl got me through a break up and then she goes “aww babe that makes me so happy. how are you now?” and i go “back with him” and she said nothing and we just sat in silence.