My wife dared me to yell out “HURRY UP HAYDEN” at Disney World. Now we have 27 blonde boys & 8 girls following us like Children of the Corn.
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My dog talks a lot of shit for something that is scared of cotton balls.
Them: how does 9am sound?
Me: sounds like you’re dead to me
sin harder.
Why do they put Valentines Day candy in a box shaped like a heart? It’s kind of like eating ice cream out of a lung…
Raise your hand if this is your first time under a helicopter. Ah, sorry to make an example of you Johnson, but that’s why we never do that.
“Oh yeah, that thing you REALLY liked last time? Well guess what YOU WILL NEVER SEE IT AGAIN”
-Costco.
Kill me once. I’m dead.
Kill me twice. I’m a dead ghost.
Him: Who are you supporting in the World Cup?
Me: Hogwarts.
“Open Mike Night” sounded like a lot of fun until I realised I’d been invited to an autopsy.
Seismologists are loyal to a fault
My wife is not satisfied with my assurances that the spider is dead. I must also produce a death certificate, pictures from the funeral and the names and addresses of next of kin.
Relieved to finally get a new microchipped debit card that provides added security to protect the $13.68 in my checking account.
him: your so cute! why are you alone!?
me: you’re
him: …
me: hello? hello?
get you someone who looks at you the way this cheetah is looking at this antelope and OH SHIT never mind
‘Bring your child to work day’ discriminates against those of us who choose not to have a job.
“The best things in life are free.”
– Kleptomaniac
NO MATTER HOW MANY ALIENS BIT SCULLY SHE STUCK TO HER GUNS LIKE “NO THESE ARE SCIENCE BITES”. KINDA GOTTA RESPECT THAT.
Before I get off the subway, I like to turn around, look at the other passengers, and say, “I’ll never forget the time we spent together”
My girlfriend sat up in bed at 3am and yelled “they’ll never find his body” and then giggled. So no sleeping ever again i guess.
Is the stick figure with the halo on the back of the minivan the dead kid or the really good one? I’m too scared to ask.
Me: How was schoo—
5yo: LUNCH WAS CHEESE PIZZA AS BIG AS MY FACE. THEY HAVE IT EVERY DAY THIS WEEK.
Me: So it was—
5yo: I LOVE IT HERE. FIVE STARS
[me yelling to the cameraman from cops as I get taken away] edit the part out where I tried to do a flip
[playing 7 minutes in heaven]
doctor: ok lol plug him back in now
men: i like the natural no makeup look
me: that natural look took more makeup than bozo the clown
People are like “I’m gonna ugly cry” and I’m like “with that face, no doubt”
A coward dies a thousand deaths, a soldier dies but one. That’s why I look up to cowards, enduring so many deaths makes you strong.
Oh, your pet loves you more than anyone else? No shit, if you controlled when I ate I’d be obsessed with you too.
I’m really hoping. .. . .
My son doesn’t ask why
the lady in the hotel next door wants the man to go deeper with their prayers to god.
When I die and doctors perform an autopsy, they’ll probably find twenty pounds of stickers off of fruit in my intestines
Every time I think I’ve parallel parked in a space the size of a shoebox, I get out and find it’s the length of two football fields