My wife: did you get high and watch samurai movies again
Me, crying: yes
My wife: did he die because he was burdened by the very code he lives for again
Me, my voice breaking into a sob: yes
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Many many moons ago:
Teacher: Well 75% of you passed math exams and will not have to go to summer school this year
Me from the back: “YEAH BUT WHAT ABOUT THE OTHER 45% OF US”
Luckily my rib cage protects my heart better than my head does.
[7 AM at the grocery store]
Me: Wow all the old people are out early.
Me [realizing I am out with them]: Dammit.
Once again I’ve been mistaken for a 50lb sack of flint corn.
My german shepard doesn’t like dog food, so we have that in common.
A truck loaded with Vicks VapoRub overturned on the interstate. Police report there is no congestion in the area.
Be warned that if you buy your 5 year old a watch, you are going to get minute by minute updates on what the current time is
Her: I love you so much
Me: Hey, *puts my hand on her shoulder* we all make mistakes sometimes.
Marrying a trad wife only to find out she is too busy creating trad wife content to cook and clean
Me: I had a dream we went shopping at Target.
Husband: How much did we spend?
Me:
Husband: HOW MUCH DID WE SPEND?!
HR says I’m not allowed to test the bungy rope I made out of rubber bands on the intern
So, Facebook is celebrating its 10th birthday. What do you buy for the social media app that makes you hate everyone?
Me: “I’d like to return this lube because it doesn’t work right”
Walmart associate: “Ma’am, that’s hand sanitizer”
Person behind me: “I’ll take it!”
[Jr. Biology class, girls in jumpsuits burst in]
OK, who’s ready for fun? We’re The Photosynthesisters & we’re gonna talk 2 U about PLANTS!
God: Hmm now where did I leave that fish? It couldn’t possibly have grown legs and walked away
Darwin: lol ur not gonna believe this
Tweet thief [secretly the Backstreet Boys] 🎶am I original?
– Naaah –
Tweet thief: 🎶am I the only one
– LOL NO –
Tweet thief: 🎶am I SEXUAL
*Awkward silence*
ME: I wonder if it wrestles cutely too?
ZOOKEEPER: Sir, get out of the panda enclosure.
ME: lol. No. *gets mauled to death by panda*
22 year old me after a night of drinking: “I hope I didn’t do anything stupid.”
29 year old me: “I hope I didn’t agree to go on a hike.”
I wish I were an octopus so that the answer to all of my problems would be, ‘change color and escape in a cloud of ink’
Your Twitter Dom probably sits at the kids’ table during Thanksgiving
[unleashes dog at dog park]
me: don’t embarrass me now
dog: i won’t*sees pretty girl*
me: hi, i’m–
dog: he drinks wine through a straw
Snakes are refusing to fly on Boeing Max planes.
It turns out that the Circle of Life doesn’t mean a donut, I’m so confused.
*goes to grocery store
*puts “gently used” sticker on all their cucumbers
[Mon]
Boss: Let’s talk about your clothes
Adam: But it’s my best leaf
B: You need officewear
A: Understood[Tues]
B: Is that a sticky note?
“No matter what it is, two chews and a swallow is all you need. Efficiency is the key…”
~Dogs probably
I drove past the prison and saw a small man climbing down a wall.
I thought, well that’s a little condescending.
Before we get too excited about rising follower counts, it’s good to remember that people also stop to look at accidents.
I went to the feed store for dog food and came back with 5 baby chickens.
I shouldn’t be allowed to have grownup money
My kids tell me I drink too much.
It’s funny they don’t make the connection.