Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I just found out that the only thing you need to apply for a marriage license is your ID and an idiot.

[Truth or Dare]
Her: What’s your biggest secret?

Salazar Slytherin: *sweating* No secrets here haha. Definitely not a chamber full of ’em

A zendetta is when you launch a blood feud against a killer who murdered your entire family, but remain pretty chill about the whole thing.

Today’s workout. 7 x 4 min intervals, 90 min walk. Participated in polar bear swim. Banned from the zoo.

what idiot called them crabs instead of sidewalks

Stop putting cauliflower where there once was something delicious.

Ludacris: put your money where your mouth is

CDC: please don’t

20: pulls an all nighter with the boys
40: pulls a hamstring adjusting the boys

I got robbed last night but in the best way possible: I was pickpocketed which means I didn’t even have to talk to the person who robbed me.

[in front of fire]
DATE: I’m still kinda cold *she looks at my jacket*
ME: Oh! Yeah *I take off jacket & throw it in fire* That oughta do it

A friend text me after the election to ask how I was doing. Now she says I’m mad at her because I haven’t answered, but I’m still typing.

Million dollar idea: A nightclub for middle aged people with lots of chairs.

Any time 4 chases our cat, she says “don’t worry kitty! It’s only me!”

And every time, I resist the urge to say “yeah I think the cat knows.”

Parenthood has made me so mature.

Husband: What should we do today?
Me: It’s up to you.
Husband: Beach?
Me: No.
Husband: Movie?
Me: No.
Husband: Museum?
Me: No.
Husband: Then what do you want to do?
Me: I don’t care. You choose.

“Doesn’t it feel good to Payless?” no, i want to be rich & shop at good stores

I suffer from a rare condition called OCDC, which forces me to salute all of those who are about to rock.

All I’m saying is, the minute Canada starts refining its maple syrup reserves into weapons-grade Aunt Jemimium, we’re all french toast.

Me with a black eye: You should see the other guy – he looks amazing. I think he moisturizes.

It’s fine to eat a “test” grape in the produce section but you take one bite of a rotisserie chicken and it’s all, “sir you need to leave.”

Wife: Use the newspaper to get that spider down

Me *reads the news out loud*

Spider *depressed* holy shit

My dentist asked me if I had a problem with my gums bleeding. You’d have to be really laid back to not have a problem with that.

I was told my $750 iPhone would improve the quality of my phone calls, but my family keeps calling telling me the same shit.

I was feeling really, really stupid today. And then I remembered that there are probably other people out there that also feel really, really stupid. And I felt a little better. Thanks everyone.

My therapist: oh my socks are loose
Me:
Me: are you feeling shrinky?

“Hello, 912”
wait did u say 912?
“yup”
I meant to dial 911
“happens all the time”
lol I’m such a goof
“haha right?”
my neighbor got stabbed

Cop: i told you this land is off limits
Me: oh i thought you said it was all flimits
Cop: wtf are flimits
Me: idk let’s go look
Cop: ok

Thanks for always acting surprised by breakfast in bed like you slept right through the great pots and pans avalanche of 6:45 AM.

Happy Mother’s Day

I learned two important lessons today. I can’t remember the first lesson, but the second one is I have to start writing things down.

Applebee’s boss: You’re fired!

Me: Wha? Why? Is it because I fixed the soup of the day?

AB: No, it’s because you keep saying “Eatin’ good in the neighborhood… if you know what I mean”

M: 😏

AB: Wait, what did you do to the soup?

Someone asked me how much I normally spend on a bottle of wine.

Answering “usually an hour” wasn’t the right answer. I know this now.