My wife: did you get high and watch samurai movies again
Me, crying: yes
My wife: did he die because he was burdened by the very code he lives for again
Me, my voice breaking into a sob: yes
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Sure, sex is cool and all, but have you ever experienced same day delivery from Amazon?
Doctor: i’d like you to step on the scale.
Me: You first, pal.
Roy Batty: “I’ve seen things you people wouldn’t believe.”
*opens Twitter*
[ten minutes later]
“I take it back. You people would believe anything.”
Smoking doesn’t make you look cool kids. Murder does.
friends’ older kid: “did you know today is the 4th of July? And that’s why there’s fireworks?”
My confident 3-year-old, who absolutely 100% does not know this: “YEP!”hell yeah that’s right kid you’re ready for twitter
Hit my coworker with “you’re a lucky man” after I saw a picture of his wife just to let him know that I want to sleep with her
When one door closes another door opens, pretty sure my house is haunted, I sleep on the porch
A mattress will double in weight after six years, just like everything else I sleep with!
Found 6 cents in the laundry and all I can say is this family better start tipping better if they want fabric softener
If you don’t have your Florida ID with you on voting day, you can always show them a photo of yourself wearing a tank top to a funeral.
All great Italian chefs smoke. That’s how they time their cooking. For example, spaghetti boils for 1 cigarette.
If your girlfriend says “my pyramid is late…”
Know two things:
1. Your hearing is poor
2. That’s not your biggest problem right now
“It’s Christmas Eve, not Christmas Steve.” -confused homophobe
STOP KILLING CHEETAHS TO MAKE CHEETOS
Her: I like a guy who’s mechanically inclined
Me: *tilts my chair back all the way*
Her: no, I mean good with cars
Me: *hits play on the movie Cars*
It is kid law that they will start liking some food and then become more and more obsessed with it until you finally buy it in bulk at Costco at which exact point they will find said food disgusting and want nothing to do with it
Throws some pepperoni slices into my Mac ‘n Cheese. Adds ‘Master Chef’ to my resume.
If pain is fear leaving the body, what gets the stupid out?
Everyone is worried about US politics but let’s focus on the bigger issue – France is having a butter shortage and this is crucial
[someone breaks into my house] excuse me, we take our shoes off in this house
In case nobody has Facebook, it’s cold outside.
Finally goes to open-mic night. gets on stage. bombs so badly gets arrested for terrorism. #BucketListFails
TV meteorologist: “And now it’s time for the extended forecast (clears throat) foooooorrrrrrecaaaaaaaassssssst”
Shoulda named my daughter calculus cause damn she’s complicated.
[babysitting]
Nephew: Can we listen to music?
Me: OK but not very loud.
Nephew: Why, does it hurt your old ears?
Me: Hey look at that, it’s your bedtime.
You: I got a headache.
WebMD: It’s gonna be your last one.
Wife: I hate it when romance novels say the guy “explored her body.” What’s he going to do, plant a flag? “I claim this booty for England!”
They say AI will take all our jobs, but I’d like to see AI selling cigarettes to teenagers outside 7-11
“I could probz bench press, like, five of you”-me talking to a cool squirrel I just met