Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Me: one man’s trash is another man’s treasure

Garbage truck driver: are you seriously doing an Italian job on a garbage truck?

Gen X kids never wanted to come home. Modern teenagers never want to leave the house.

Gen X parents of teens are basically feral dogs raising housecats.

I assume the #1 reason people change their identity is b/c they answered “You too” when the barista said “Enjoy your bagel.”

Stealing endorsements is not how you become the president of the United States, homie. Leave my name out ya mouth…

ME: what is an IV for
ROMAN: yes

Took me 5 minutes to pick up the soap I dropped in the shower so I hope I never commit a felony.

ME: You should always say no to drugs.
SON: Okay.
ME: Let’s practise. Do you want this drug?
SON: No, two drugs.

A worm is a pretty shitty prize for getting up early if you ask me.

[on the couch having tea]

Me: this is nice.

Anxiety: SUSPICIOUSLY NICE.

When I found out Santa wasn’t real I got so mad at my parents I stormed out of the house, got in my car and just drove and drove and drove.

there is no greater joy than helping to make a friend’s dream come true

*prints out my most successful tweets and mails them to my ex-girlfriends*

babies ‍ gremlins
‍🤝

getting wet after midnight makes more

I know you had tons of fun at Mardi Gras back in ’97, but really it’s time to take the beads down from your rear view mirror.

Mushrooms are about 75 years away from inventing the computer but for now, bon Appetit

casino dealer: ok all bets on the table

cat: [pushes bets off the table]

dealer: stop that are you in or out

cat: YES

A woman just left the liquor store without buying anything.

I can only assume she was dropped on her head as a baby.

Saw my Elf on the Shelf walking out of the D.A.’s office and now I have to lawyer up.

How pale and flabby do I have to be before I am legally a jellyfish?

tums is missing out on selling pumpkin spice flavored antacid and calling it autums.

When my kids ask what a word means, I tell them to bring me a dictionary.
Then I smack them with it, and tell them to Google that shit.

Him: Are you perioding?

Me: Are you deathwishing?

*rubs lamp*
*genie comes out*
You get 3 wishes. Just no wishing for more wishes.
“I wish for more genies.”
I SAID NO WI- oooh, you’re good.

i always feel slightly dishonest ticking the “i’m not a robot” box because how do i know, how does anyone know for certain

Lady at the dollar store checked to see if my $20 was fake. Like if I could counterfeit money I’d be shopping at the dollar store.

officer it’s my son’s car
“just make it stop sir”
I don’t know how
“can you call him”
I’ll try
*tries to dial while car bounces up and down*

WIFE: [holding newborn baby] Ive never been so proud of anything in my life

ME:[thinking about that one time I drew a perfect giraffe] same

I never learned how to flirt, I just roast the hell out of guys until they stop talking to me

*doesn’t eat, sleep enough, drinks too much alcohol* WHY DO I FEEL LIKE SHIT

My kid: Did you know that you can see your own nose, but your brain chooses to ignore it?

Me: Kinda like how your brain chooses to ignore the mess in your room?