Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

All along the watchtower, people squinted and said “I told you we should have built a clock tower.”

landlord: your income needs to be 3x rent

me: can you tell my boss that

ME: So are you gonna put it in me or what

NURSE: Sir it’s a blood draw please stop saying that

Why is it called an avalanche and not buried at ski?

I like that they snuck the word “strum” right in the middle of “instrument”

I could never be a map maker. Not because I think it’s hard, I just don’t know how tf to spell meditarainian.

My 4-year-old’s questions while watching me put on makeup for 3 minutes:

-Why is your face melting?

-Why do you make your face look evil?

-Why are you biting your eyeballs with those scissors?

Heading to Lowe’s to pretend like I know wtf I’m doing.

Please don’t put a coin on my mouth when I die; I plan to wander the shores of the River Styx for 100 years & finally get that bikini body.

I once read the words “You have bewitched me body and soul” but your eggplant emoji is nice too.

My seven year old reported to me today that the tooth fairy wasn’t paying him a fair wage compared to his peers and claimed that all his friends earn a liveable wage from tooth loss

i can’t believe my little brother is a father we used to have to hide beans in the higher up cabinets so he wouldn’t shove them up his nose

Once kids are awake my usage of the word “don’t” goes up 2000%

[product pitch meeting]

BOSS: ok what have you come up with

ME: a turbo walker for seniors

BOSS: but how would their legs even keep up

ME [proudly]: with these roller skates

WIFE: What did you just do?
CAT: *bolts for no apparent reason*
ME: *bolts in the opposite direction in case she’s after both of us*

[taking immortality pills]

wife: but wont we get bored of eternal life?
me: dont worry, we’ll have each other..
*we swallow the pills*
me: i can still see it in your hand

My husband: (from the other room) Can you give me an update?

Me: Um, can you be more specific?

Husband: Let’s focus on this week

Me: Ok, so I’m trying a different dish soap because-

Him: (peeks head in) Can you please stop that? I’m on a work call.

If they cancel the Times Square New Year’s Eve Celebration, I feel bad for everyone who misses out on what everyone I know who’s ever been to it describes as one of the worst things they’ve ever experienced.

Don’t be rude, if the person in front of you in the Starbucks line isn’t concentrating, sweep the leg, step over them and keep the line moving

I haven’t exaggerated in over 350 years.

“Hey kids, you like candy?” I said to my own kids, luring them into my van so I could get them to school and be at work on time.

Anyone have a recipe for chocolate covered strawberries?

My mama didn’t raise no fool.

Instead I was raised by a pack of idiot wolves.

I find it very upsetting that dragon fruit has such a cool name, looks so exotic, and then tastes like a diabolical farmer crossed a kiwi with a potato.

Before kids: Why would anyone need a 24 pack of paper towels?!

After kids: Oh.

The news keeps talking about how someone is in a “very uncomfortable space”. And in my mind I keep yelling back, “WHAT, LIKE THE BACK OF A VOLKSWAGEN?”.

Got fired by the DMV for giving Stuart Little his driver’s license

Me: My new house is making lots of creaky sounds

Friend: That just means it’s settling

My fiancee: *creaky sounds*

How to flirt:
1. Giggle
2. Apply lip gloss
3. Look down coyly
4. Realize you applied concealer
5. Fall off barstool

ok here’s the deal. Yes it was dumb of NASA to ask Sally Ride if she needed 100 tampons for a 7-day mission, but I would have said “Actually I need 250” because that’s free tampons from the government, babbbbyyy.