Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

The real world does feel a bit like the state of Batman comics right now.

You beat one grinning evil, two more show up, and while you’re fighting them, the first one is resurrected and pretty soon you’re banging the cat lady.

My son told me I need to show more interest in sports, so now I sit next to the TV, stare at my phone, and occasionally yell “Go team!” Then I look up, realize the hockey game is long over, and oh look, I’m cheering for Law and Order.

My 5 yo lost her first tooth and wanted to bring her tooth fairy swag to school to flex on her friends. This included the white “fairy dust” (baking soda). So, I sent my kid into preschool with a little bag of white powder for show and tell. Follow me for more parenting tips.

Me: *panicking*

Friend: just go with your gut

Me: *panicking while eating nachos*

Me: Would you like to go out for coffee sometime?

Her: I’d love that!

Me: Great, we need milk and eggs too. See you after while

Doctor said if I have a vasectomy I wouldn’t have any kids, had the operation, got home, they’re still there

I’ve always wanted to buy 2 coffees, take them to a crime scene & while handing 1 to the officer in charge ask, “So, what do we have here?”

Hubs: I think we should buy a new camper.

Me: What’s the matter with you? You’re just gonna say that right in front of my phone?

*Facebook timeline turns into solid camper ads*

Today my friend who cuts my hair told me last year my husband walked in to the salon one afternoon and said “I want to dye my hair blonde but I don’t want to look like I’m going through a personal crisis. Do you think we can accomplish that?”

this chia pet tastes awful

I miss being the age where the most devastating thing in the world was when my sandwiches got cut into squares instead of triangles.

My cuz stole some money, landed in jail, wanted to fight everyone and threatened to shoot people, so that was the end of our Monopoly game.

Server: Congratulations, ma’am

Wife: *confused* Er, thank you. Why?

S: Your husband said you’re eating for two

M: Oh she’s not pregnant

W: I despise you

The only way I would find gender reveal parties even remotely okay is if the guests had the option to boo when the gender is revealed

God: You have been freed from the shackles of corporeal form, my son. All of time and space are yours to experience. What will you do?

Spirit me: Probably just hang around my old apartment and make an occasional weird noise at night.

Rudolph the Red-Nosed Reindeer had a very shiny nose. Other symptoms of his alcoholism included violent rampages and chronic nausea.

me: I made a model of the himalayas

friend: did you build them to scale?

me: no, just to look at

friend: what

How do I put this gently? You make me feel… unwet?

So my kid secretly recorded me driving and singing and put it on social media if you needed to know how important birth control is today.

🤣

*speed dating*

I’m a competitive eater!

Date: Are you any good?

[grabbing my suitcase, dumping 45 hotdogs on table] funny you should ask

Just saw a crab walking in a straight line. It was shouting “I’m not drunk, you’re drunk” and it started a fight with a bin

My love transcends space, time, personal boundaries and several antibiotics

I don’t do weights but my 4yo refuses to walk sometimes so yeah I lift

I call my phone Lois because it doesn’t recognize me without my glasses

At this point the virus has more names than a guy hiding from his wife on twitter.

“Oh look, rain! Wait, how do I drive again?” – People

If I had ten cookies and you took one,what would you have?
That’s correct.
A black eye and broken hand.

I didn’t have google maps growing up. The way you knew you were going the wrong way was by driving into a different state.

My villain power is instantly answering insults with vicious burns like:
“I’m going to throw something at you that will stick in your face forever”
“Make like Job and suffer endlessly” &
“Nice shoes. Did you make ’em?”