My wife didn’t order anything from Amazon yesterday so the UPS guy knocked on our door to see if we’re okay.
You Might Also Like
I’ve started using a firming serum and have definitely noticed a difference. I’m making firm decisions now.
Homeless dude asked me for $10. Thought it was greedy but realized that we were standing outside Whole Foods. Totally legitimate request.
Parents would stop celebrating thier children’s first steps if they knew what was about to go down after they master that shit
There are three stages in a woman’s life.
1. Pampers
2. Always
3. Depends
Sat through a horrible job interview for an hour then the guy was like “btw, this only pays 30k so if you’re looking for a job that pays better, look elsewhere” so I said “ok I will” then he was like “?? wait no” lmao this was hours ago and I still feel incredible
Harry Potter at an interview
Interviewer: It says here you defeated Lord Voldemort when you were 17 years-old.
Harry: That’s correct, sir.
Interviewer: But no experience with Excel. Wow.
Lmao
Kinda cool how Earth is the largest planet in the whole world.
Me: I’ll have one of those to go. A Cargarita, if you will. LOL
Bartender: I’m cutting you off
When you get to jail, challenge the biggest, baddest guy in there to rock, paper, scissors in front of all his friends
inventor of ceilings: *pointing at the floor* like this but up there
The last time I danced like nobody was watching, someone stabbed me with an EpiPen.
People who get lost in a book are so dumb. Like, the pages are literally numbered and in order.
Remember, you can always call your senator and leave a bloodcurdling scream.
*Girl comes out in a slinky dress*
ME: Ooh that looks like fun
*I push her down the stairs*
Shoutout to headline writers, making their own fun.
surgeon: you can’t lift anything over ten pounds for 6 weeks.
me: how am i supposed to pee?
*surgeon high-fives me*
To do list:
1) Kill the fly in my room.
2) Try to snort multivitamins.
3) Practice Hadouken in mirror.
4) Kill the fly’s loved ones.
The dude who invented the flashlight got me through some dark times.
I have an innuendo addiction and I’m really pleased when I manage to write a tweet without one. It’s really hard when you just want to slip one in.
ME: haha when your mask is down it looks like a chinstrap beard
HER: what mask
ME: oh
Police officer: When’s your birthday?
Me: (Drunk) um ok thats easy… ten dash four
PO: What year?
Me: Ugh duh every year
My whole life is that moment when you send an important e-mail mentioning an attachment without the actual attachment.
“I didn’t choose the thug life.” I explain, entering an institution of higher learning.
Cat.
Him: Didn’t you buy that apple pie yesterday?
Me: Yeah, so?
Him: There’s one small piece left.
Me: And if you touch it, I’ll stab you.
You think if you die with a yeast infection, you’ll rise from the dead?
[ first date ]
Me. Do you take drugs?
Him. I never touch them.
Me. Perfect. Can I have a urine sample?
Mad Max Arctic Road
One of the things that always makes me laugh about this place is how any time I say “I’m trying to use self-control” people always respond back with “No! Do it! Do iiiiiitttt!” *laughing hard*