My wife didn’t post an essay thanking our kids for making her a mom on Facebook and now child services is on the way.
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If you didn’t get called to a meeting with your 5-yr-old son’s principal because he was inviting girls to his “naked party,” you aren’t me.
My kids are running fevers and fell asleep on either side of me so now I know how it feels to roast like a gas station hot dog.
bert: i want a divorce
wife: are u…
bert: don’t
wife: *holding in laughter* are u sherbert?
Me: Jesus. Get the kids inside
Wife: What’s wron-
Me: *running* JUST GET THE DAMN KIDS INSIDE
[a bee flies off of the lens of my binoculars]
When I’m angry I drink more coffee. That way I’m still angry but I also have to poop.
Them: Describe your personality using one word.
Me: no
mom: no TV for a week!
dad: and after you take a bath you can’t use your hands to get out of the tub
*sons jaw drops*
mom: [whispers] nice
An accountant who disappears with all his client’s money is a math magician.
5, leaps down from high furniture onto floor and sees my horrified expression: look Mom, I’m really nervous-ing you up!
Anyone interested in a 4 year old whose new hobby is wall art? Porch pickup only.
24 astronauts were born in Ohio. What is it about that state that makes people want to flee the planet?
I wonder if the people who camp out in front of stores for Black Friday sales realize there are online sales too.
I finally spilled coffee over my favourite t shirt and now I can wear it all day any day.
[pulls away from kissing] do you ever pretend nfl players with dreadlocks swinging around under their helmets are predators
Girls like guys who take charge: ask her out, plan a date, take a hostage, overthrow a government, nuke her ex’s hometown, buy her a puppy.
[walks into aquarium]
me: hi can I just use your bathroom?
employee: sorry it’s for patrons only
me: ok fine I’ll take four sharks
Mind: I still feel like a 20 year old…
Body: LOL.
My girlfriends good traits :
She’s gorgeous, insatiable, loves me and has a Dragon.
Bad traits : She’s imaginary, but I tolerate this because of the Dragon.
“I’m away at school for one day and you give away my room?!”
A little Caesar’s pizza joke, eh?
Therapist: ‘Sarcasm will get you nowhere.’
Me: ‘Actually, it got me to the National Sarcasm Championship game in Las Vegas back in 98.’
Therapist: ‘Really?’
Me: ‘No.’
Them: There are no stupid questions
Me: Is Dakota Johnson supposed to be North or South?
Them: There is one stupid question
I’ve been trying to figure out why I overslept today. Just realized drunk me set my calculator for $7.30.
If Nostradamus had been any good he’d have called his book of prophecies ‘Predictive Text’.
The rare times my cat comes to me for affection, I run and hide under the bed, so she knows what that feels like.
If looks could kill
And the cat’s in the cradle so the baby must be at the pet groomer’s, this is a terrible mix-up.
If you turn it upside down, a pyramid scheme works out nicely for everyone except the one guy at the bottom.