My wife didn’t post an essay thanking our kids for making her a mom on Facebook and now child services is on the way.
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I hate reality shows. Like this one, for instance, called “The News.”
nobody sighs louder than an unemployed, debt-free dog who spends at least 16 hours a day sleeping
Never get drunk with someone who has rented a chainsaw or a wood chipper.
Her: What are you thinking about right now?
Me: If I was an eel I’d have a little fish that lived in my mouth and I’d never need to floss
[describing criminal to sketch artist]
Me: his voice was much deeper than that. He had the chin of a man who had recently lost his watch
One time a grocery store clipboard guy was going too hard so I said “I’ve got fish in the car” and the weird level of specificity shut the whole interaction down. Now I use it all the time. Can’t talk, fish in the car. Works even better if you’re not at a grocery store honestly.
Me: *spits soup into bucket*
Chef: This isn’t that kind of tasting.
“Send dunes!”
– some dyslexic guy
my dad: in the end. i hope people don’t even notice i was here
me: i hate camping too
“Alex is visiting later tonight.”
Alex from work or Alex the astronaut with amazing hearing?
[From the moon] It’s not me, Thelma. Hi Bob.
[dying]
[pop-up message before my eyes] Your life will begin to pass in front of you after this advertisement
Existential crisis becomes ex’s tinsel crisis, when Christmas is involved
Aquarius: Your career is moving forward this week. Not with you, of course. Wave to it as it drives away in a new Lamborghini.
Toaster: Things are getting hot…. real hot, I’m getting close.
Me:
Toaster: Ahhhhhh!!!! I popped…
Me: I don’t think I really want that waffle anymore.
Cop: My informant told me where the killer is
Chief: Nice. Did he give you a name?
Cop: No chief *frowns* my parents did that
what I love in every old-timey photo of women dressing up their cats is how peeved the cats look
My husband is taking me on a shopping spree for my bday. I am dressed like I’m about to run a 5k. He is dressed like we are going to a fancy dinner. I gently explained that he grossly underestimated my ability to go the distance and he better hope his shoes are comfortable.
cop: could you please describe the man who tried to kill you
me: yeah he was not nice
A third zebra strolls casually while whistling and pretending to read a newspaper onto Noah’s ark.
CLICK HERE TO SUPPORT BREAST CANCER
“okay” *click*
WHY ARE YOU SUPPORTING BREAST CANCER U MONSTER
“oh no”
[mom from other room] WTF KYLE
Oh, your pet loves you more than anyone else? No shit, if you controlled when I ate I’d be obsessed with you too.
my 10 year old son is about to start trombone lessons this year at school.
his band teacher’s intro email has me howling!
not enough men these days put fish in their mouth and pull out the entire skeleton in tact
If I was a witch, I would curse people to have to poop right after showering
I don’t think I’m a stoner….more herbally infused.
Did 300 squats yesterday. Walking funny today. Embarrassed about being out of shape so I’m telling everyone that I had buttsex last night.
[coffee shop]
ME: [hanging up a flyer for my band]
CUTE GIRL: Is that your band?
ME: No it’s a flyer
This squirrel eats better than I do
[interview at a clothing store]
be cool, don’t let them know you’re a dog
“so what color is this dress?”
oh you gotta be kidding me