My wife didn’t post an essay thanking our kids for making her a mom on Facebook and now child services is on the way.
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*1941 movie pitch*
“So it’s about an elephant w/big ears and we call him stupid then torture his mother.”
Walt Disney, “I smell a winner.”
I have just finished interviewing a young man for a job at my workplace.
I asked him, “Can you perform under pressure?”
He replied: “Im not sure, but I do an amazing Bohemian Rhapsody!”
*walks up to microphone during wedding reception*
*taps on mic; everyone smiles*
“Anyone that doesn’t want their cake, pass it to me please”
Is it the 5 second rule or the 10 second rule?
Well, either way, I wouldn’t worry too much about any germs. Here’s your baby back.
Today’s Forecast: Room Temperature
Tomorrow’s Forecast: Room Temperature
Long-Term Forecast: Room Temperature
People are managing their retirement funds and I’m over here planning to call in sick the day I die
Wife: where’s the baby?
Me: up on the roof
Wife: THE ROOF?
Me: relax. He’s got sunscreen on
me: sorry i couldn’t stay longer
friend: no that was long enough
The nurse should wait until after they weigh you to ask if you’ve had any symptoms of depression in the past two weeks.
🌱🌱🌱
I knew she’d be trouble the minute she walked into my office, stumbled, knocked over the hat rack, then somehow got her feet entangled in my trench coat and, arms whirling like propellers as she tried to stay upright, sent my bourbon bottle flying, which spilled and ignited, then
Nobody ever told me that this was an option.
Vader: I AM your father.
Luke: Why are you telling me this now?
Vader:
Luke:
Vader: I need a kidney.
So society’s *real* key workers have just been revealed.
Not the bankers. Not the traders. Not the elite hedge fund managers.
It’s the nurses. The doctors. The delivery drivers. The carers. The porters. The teachers. The shelf stackers. The check out staff.
#COVID19
I kinda pictured myself robbing banks one day but my handwriting is horrible.
Food FACT: Omelette takeaway restaurants were very popular in biblical times. The most famous of these was called Judas Eggscarryout.
A little known historical fact is that Alexander the Great had a younger brother named Bob the Pretty Okay
I caught my 6-year-old trying to hide a banana peel to save it for later because he wants to make a craft with it “maybe next week.”
My daughter has to give a weather report for school and I hope she does a good job and gets everything wrong.
14: ‘What’s an inheritance?’
Me: ‘Nothing you need to worry about, really.’
Them: You have a weird sense of style
Me: *takes off glasses* Rude
Them: But true
Me: *takes off second pair of glasses* Give me an example
yeah i ate the last 10 donuts, i don’t like a cluttered counter
These dogs look like they have good credit.
“And this is Flegh, Fnnnr, Grmm, Jsssh and Jhee-Jo.” (What My Brain Hears When Introduced to a Group of People)
When a Chinese takeout forgets your dumplings, you can sue them for wonton negligence. Hey-ooo!
first time at Hobby Lobby:
hello I’d like one hobby please
No, you hang up first.
Me to Pizza Hut
Anytime I’m using a stall in a public restroom and someone knocks on the door, I always say, “Did you bring the lube?” As loud as possible.
Wife: How’d this get broken?
Me: Probably the kids.
Wife: We don’t have any kids.
Me: *already sprinted out the front door*
“I need a synonym for equivalence.”
“Synonym.”
“Yes a synonym.”
“Synonym is the word.”
“It is and I need one for equivalence.”
“It’s synonym.”
“I think that’s how I’m pronouncing it.”
“THE WORD IS SYNONYM.”
“Whatever, now will you give me one for equivalence.”