Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

An app that makes the sound of a door slamming when you hang up on someone who pissed you off.

Boss: I thought I said no costumes this week.
Me: These are my clothes.

First person to build a clock had no idea how long it took.

This a good idea

Forget secret ingredients. Competitive baking show contestants should each have a toddler they have to care for while they cook.

The sole purpose of a potato masher is to prevent you from opening a drawer.

this woman in the target parking lot tossed her mcdonalds bag and drink out of her window but jokes on her she left her window down before going inside so I tossed that shit back in

I once banged the Michelin Man…it was tiresome

Me: [trying to hide a dead body] you gotta help me

Hamburger Helper Glove: THIS IS WAY OUT OF MY LANE MAN

Me, gently telling my kids that I ate the rest of the ice cream: Your dad ate the rest of the ice cream.

Cops call their dogs K-9 because if they call K-10,
then it’s a cat.

Dating is a win-win. If things go well, you eat food and fall in love. If they don’t, you still eat food and that’s all that really matters.

I’m not signing up for the 401k, there’s no way I can run that far.

Every day, I win arguments from 10 years ago in the shower.

Dinosaur 911: what’s ur emergency

Dinosaur: A FIREBALL IN THE SKY IS FLYIN AT US

Dinosaur 911: is it the sun

Dinosaur: haha probably. bye

Even with an open schedule and no events, I still don’t “have enough time” to stay hydrated, apparently.

who named him groot and not spruce lee

[planning heist]

LEADER: we can kill the alarm, but how do we get through the concrete wall?

*everyone turns to look at the kool-aid man*

teen: we need to have a serious talk about my curfew

me: did I tell you I started a new diet today

teen: *laughs nervously* actually my curfew is fine, totally fine, fine fine

Responding to a question from your wife with interpretive dance tends to raise more questions than it answers.

I went into a store with my kid and came out with a different one by accident. This one is a keeper. He says he does brake work. Well see.

[lost at sea]

FRIEND: There’s a ship! Get the flair

ME: [puts on oversized jewellery]

Just discovered my 7yo wearing his underwear backwards again. Playing classical music while pregnant is bullshit.

life is over at 7. no more endless playtime, no more baby food, forced to go to school, and you cant even throw tantrums anymore. at that point you should just give up

Dog tried taking me for a run. I wasn’t having it. I made her drag me the whole time.

[nearing end of first date]
Me: I’ll give you a call later, OK?
Her: *throws phone in river* I lost my phone.

When someone says they worked like a dog, I’m envious because every dog I’ve ever known has done nothing all day long.

[watching 13 Reasons Why]

WIFE: I can’t believe she had 13 reasons for wanting to die

ME: I know, crazy! Only 13

WIFE: What?

ME: What?

I’ve always sucked at math! How many people should there be in a relationship?

If I were one of the sciencers, I would simply do this