My wife didn’t tell me I was on speakerphone and now her coworker smelly Kelly knows we call her smelly Kelly.
You Might Also Like
My boss has a rather shrill phone voice. I once spent 20m talking to him, before realizing it was actually someone trying to send us a fax.
The booster protects against what, now?
I’m creating a new perfume for introverts.
It’s called: Leave Me The Fu Cologne.
My bf bought a kazoo and in unrelated news he can’t find it for some reason..
Trumpy Cat
ladies, when he’s sick, treat him right
1. make him chicken soup
2. tuck him in with the remote
3. buy a boa constrictor to snuggle him
I have never in my life learned from another person’s mistakes, I would literally let a giant wooden horse into my house right this second.
overheard from a 2nd grade zoom today
Teacher: Ok now, what’s at the end of life
7 y/o: that’s a…. I mean, that’s a big… it’s complicated…
Teacher: I mean the word “life”
Shhhh, I am tracking a package so I need you to remain very quiet so you don’t scare it away
cold water immersion sounds cool but i’m doing this other thing called warm bed immersion
Escape rooms were invented by introverts. Only they would pay money to leave somewhere in less than an hour.
Nice hourglass figure, girl. Wanna come back to my place and stand on your head so my friends and I can keep time while we play Pictionary?
things are bad enough, today i’m playing goodminton
“and this lake shall be called Superior”
all the other Great Lakes: “k wow we’re like right here”
Me, one day after taking the new blood test that tells you if you’re an idiot or not: science is actually really overrated.
[tv, watching a gymnast eat it on the vault]
Me (tripped over a slipper in the dark once): I know exactly how she feels.
MTV is shutting down, which really doesn’t affect me much now, but my teenage self is completely devastated.
Buzzfeed be like, “Tell us what Hogwarts house you think your dog belongs in and we’ll tell you what you had for breakfast.”
The great thing about playing the bagpipes is no one knows if you’re good at it or not.
JUDGE: I find you guilty of murder. Sentenced to life.
LAWYER: But it was only 20 minutes of murder.
JUDGE: Oh, then you’re free to go.
Ladies, he’s not working late. He’s trying to steal the declaration of independence. Stay woke
[a pig opens the door for me]
Thank you, ha’am.
(reads smudged writing on hand during date) i just want to say that u look really preffy tonight
2 found a calculator and is typing away very intensely on it
I call her name and I got a dirty look and a very nasty “Hold on!”, and back to typing
So I’ve decided to say her name 32 times, ask for juice 15 times, ask for 58 snacks, and have 3 meltdowns
“Are you listening to understand or to be right?”
~ sometimes pretending to listen results in unexpected mutiple choice questions
Not sure who needs to hear this, but a group of porcupines is called a prickle.
Morning breath so strong I should ask it to help me move into my new apartment this weekend
JESUS: *Turns water into La Croix*
ME: *Takes sip* Oh…yeah. I guess… *takes another sip* Yeah, I guess this is kind of different.
JESUS: Better?
ME: No… no, not better.
Don’t worry, protagonist. I’m sure your ridiculously specific amnesia has nothing to do with the missing member of the royal family who is exactly your age.
Cramming a band’s entire discography hours before a show just in case they stop the show and start quizzing me.