Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I’d be so pissed if my coworker left for American Idol and I had to cover for them plus act happy.

Why is my daughter asking me to play jenga like I didn’t give her a brother and sister for that exact reason?

me: do you have spaghetti?

mcdonalds cashier: …no

me: would you like some?

Valuable child raising tip from the New York Times

About 20 minutes before my husband gets home from work I spray Febreze, then he assumes I cleaned something.

If I am ever killed by a koala bear, I hope whoever finds me just tells people I was killed by a bear

Just ordered a second airport beer and now worried about making rent

When complaining of a stomach ache, you don’t really need to point to it or pat it gently. People pretty much know where the stomach is.

back-to-school photos but for parents showing how happy we are

He says I’m cute when I’m mad. Well he has no idea of how gorgeous I can be.

Church: Follow Jesus.
Me: Does he follow back?
Church: ..
Me: ..
Church: ..
Me: Shoutout for shoutout??

Tomorrow is Jesus’ birthday. I got him an Xbox. Keeping it at my house until I see him.

Missing someone and wanna meet them? Just wear the worst clothes you own and go to the supermarket. They’ll run into you.

My husband called and said he wants tacos for dinner. We’ve been together for 30 years and I still can’t tell whether or not it’s a euphemism.

Dude told me his sister got in trouble for drugs. I called her Bethanphetamine, he blocked me. Too bad. There was potential

Her: Do you like this outfit?

Him: It’s okay I guess.
What are you doing?

Her: Changing.

Him: But we’re gonna be late! I said it was okay!

Men bring a lot of their problems on themselves.

Never ask a shepherd how many sheep he owns, I don’t think he’d know, he probably falls asleep every time he takes inventory.

My toddler fell out with me today because it was too hot and I wouldn’t ‘turn the sun down’

*Holds an old lady’s hand as I help her across the street*

don’t worry ma’am i’m sure the doctors can sew it back on

Before I had kids I wasn’t a morning person but after parenting for years I can finally look at the beautiful sunrise every day and say, I’m still not

Once upon a time (today) I had to help with pre school homework

Me: -holds up yellow

Me: What color is this?

4: McDonalds

The end

I tell people I’m narcoleptic so if I fall asleep when they’re talking to me I don’t seem rude.

[hostage situation]
Any last words?
“Nah, I’m good.”
If you insist. *puts gun to head* Say you’re prayers.
“You are prayers. Lol.”

We all look like talking skeletons to Superman. Even his parents. I don’t know how that kid slept at night.

Inspired by T.G.I.Fridays, I opened a place called C.L.I.Thursdays. It closed down though because most guys couldnt find it

My cat is walking a very fine line between being cute & being sold to the Korean restaurant down the street.

I want a rich person to hire me to float around in their pool and feed me bread I want to be a wealthy person’s duck

sooo many straight people never talk to their exes and sooooo many queer people are like “this is my ex-girlfriend we share custody of our dog Skippy she’s the godmother of my children oh and also we own a bar together”

what i mean when i say i’m rolling myself a fat one

[crab overhears the words ‘crab cakes’]
*applauds with tiny crab clawed excitement* oooh cakes for crabs
[crab sees the crab cakes]
oh no. oh god no.