Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I bought a witch cauldron type-thingy today.

I dunno what compelled me to do it, but here I am, hovering over it with a dash of coriander.

[Date]

Her: Any hobbies?

Me: Monging mostly.

Her: Huh?

Me: I’m a monger

Her: Huh?

Me: Iron, fish, war… You name it — I’ll monger it

If you stand in the rain, you’ll grow quicker.

no one:

my brain:
key largo montego
olivia rodrigo

Ocean’s 8 makes me feel seen as a woman but also as someone who has tried to organize anything with more than 3 people

i actually have so much empathy for pigeons. we’re all just waking around the city together eating garbage and almost getting hit by cars

Studies show that men born between the 1st and the 31st day of the month are sexier than the others.

Whoever’s job it is to make sure
I eat before I drink is fired.

WHISKERS: There’s nothing there. Go ahead.
BLIND PERSON: *Steps off cliff*
WHISKERS: Technically

^– why we don’t have seeing-eye cats

Someone tried to persuade me to go to a party by saying, “Are you sure? There’s gonna be a lot of people there.” Oh then definitely no

You think you’ve got problems? This is what I’m having for dinner

GUY: I wish girls liked comics.

GIRL: I love comics.

GUY: Oh really? Then what’s the Hulk’s favorite flavor ice cream?

😂😂

[Satanic ritual]

Leader [pinching the bridge of his nose]: what is this

Me: the sacrifice

Leader: they’re cupcakes

Me: YEAH, BARRY, DEVIL’S FOOD AND I’LL HAVE YOU KNOW I SACRIFICED MY ENTIRE DAY TO MAKE THEM

You come into my house on this, the day of my dark chocolate soy milk’s expiration?

My son is teaching himself Christmas songs on the trumpet, proving things can be both beautiful and annoying.

Saw a homeless guy this mornin’ he said, “Any change?” Me, “Nope, you’re still cold and homeless.” We laughed & laughed & he stabbed me.

[first day as a scientist]

*accidentally finishes science*

At the self checkout I make small talk with myself and I wish I would just shut up

My kid: I’m cold, can I have some tea?

Also my kid: *puts 8 ice cubes into hot tea*

Her: Tell me what you want

Me: A burrito

Her: No!! Tell me what you want in bed

Me: Oh! *gets in bed* a burrito

5yo: knock knock
Me:
5: Mom, knock KNOCK
Me:
5: I said KNOCK KNOCK!!
Me: Sorry, you know how I feel about answering the door, buddy.

My signature move is putting on my reading glasses when I don’t understand what the person in front of me is saying.

°a turd walks into a bar°
[BARTENDER] why the long face pal?
[TURD] °sighs° i just got dumped

My daughter asked me what it’s like to be a parent, so I woke her up from a nap just to say, “hi.”

A woman was charged with stalking after sending 65,000 text messages.

Which one of you was it?

Witches’ brews are full of newtrients.

I can’t stress this enough, I will never have a need to use a hotel’s complimentary gym when I’m on vacation.

My cat thinks any questions I ask him are rhetorical.

If I were a doctor, I’d invent a bacon-ometer to tell patients how much more bacon they needed to consume to be healthy and, frankly, sexy.