Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

just remembered my uber driver who messaged me that he had to stop for something and showed up 12 minutes late with chocolate on his face

I remember when you had to subscribe to Reader’s Digest to read jokes this bad.

Sometimes I think my neighbor down the street has pretty good taste when it comes to suits, as I try one on. At other times I think he needs a better home security system

Breakfast for Stoners:

This cop is acting like he never saw anyone drive while making waffles before.

Friends with benefits? What, like you can provide dental insurance?

Any tool’s a hammer if you’re mad enough

Coworker: I need documentation for this project. It’s super urgent!

Me: Sure. Can you send me the details?

Ages pass.

Empires rise and fall.

Dolphins develop their own space program.

The old gods return.

The stars die out and the sky goes black.

Coworker: Here you go.

My parents waited way too long to tell me about Santa and the Easter Bunny. I was so mad I got in my car & drove away.

3-year-old: I want more milk.

Me: What’s the magic word?

3: *enraged falcon screech*

Close enough.

this atm and my therapist need to get together and pick a lane

Things more likely to kill you than Ebola:

– choking on a wheat thin
– erotic asphyxiation
– falling off the toilet
– a duck with a gun

Whenever someone jokingly replies, “Blocked,” I laugh and laugh and then go check.

Tonight I found out that my husband applies body lotion to his legs “cricket style” which involves applying lotion directly to his legs and then just… rubbing them together. Like a cricket

Motion to replace the Supreme Court with a Burrito Supreme

My partner is a nurse and I met her at a hospital I visited to fix a broken nose. I told her I broke my nose during a fight protecting my best friend. In reality though, I had gone out for a jog and decided to close my eyes for 10 seconds and ran face first into a tree.

When you did see a few red flags but you’re sure you can change him

[giving mother in law my famous salad dressing recipe over the phone] 1 part vinegar, then *bites lip so I don’t laugh* 2 parts baking soda

Me: So tired

Brain: IKR!! But wait, who organised the alphabet…

M: Please don’t

B: N how do we know it’s not actually disorganized?

– grabs leash
– grabs phone
– takes dog out for walk
– pulls out phone
– checks Twitter
– walks dog to South America

How’s adulting going for me today u ask?

Well,I just spend 20 minutes looking for my phone in my car

While using my phone as a flashlight.

when revenge coincides with naptime

My employer added a clause in my last NDA stating that I was prohibited from saying anything “disparaging” about the company. Now when anyone asks about job postings I tell them, “I’m contractually obligated not to say anything disparaging about them.” None have ever applied.

♫When the moon hits your eye♫

You’ll be killed.

It’s massive.

dr pepper just lost her medical license. 😔 now she’s just ms pepper. 😂 bet you thought i was going to say mr pepper! 😒 no. ✋🛑 dr pepper has been a woman this whole time. 😜 unlearn your internal biases!👩‍⚕️ she lost her license for throwing a baby in the trash ⛹️‍♀️👶

[at the movies]

me: thank god it’s over

her: I was going to say the same thing haha that’s a relief. I get the dog

“omg you’re a paramedic! what’s the worst thing you’ve seen?” bro my paycheck

Your attempt to intimidate me with your knuckle cracking is a waste of time, I’m quite aware it’s a gas bubble between your bone & joint.

I only hug people so I can stick my hands in their pockets and search for snacks.

My sexual fantasy is that I’m a pizza boy, and I deliver pizza to sorority girls and they can’t pay for it, so my boss lets me take all that pizza home for free