MY WIFE DIVORCED ME BECAUSE SHE DOESN’T BELIEVE MY TESLA AUTODRIVES ME TO THE GAY BAR AND THEN TURNS ITSELF OFF, CAUSING ME TO HAVE TO SPEND 4 HOURS IN THERE ASKING FOR A RIDE HOME
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Handmaid’s TALE not Handmaid’s Handbook
Psychiatrist: what are your future goals?
Me: I can’t tell you because you’ll try to stop me
DEMON: [roars] KNEEL, MORTAL—IT IS I, BAELROTH THE SPOON-HIDER
ME: omg what’re u gonna do to me?
DEMON: were—were you not listening just now
SON: What’re you doing?
ME {scribbling maniacally on a sheet of paper}: Trying to find a solution to global warming!
SON: Cool
ME {slamming fist on the table}: That’s it!!
The great songs ask the eternal questions: Where have all the flowers gone? How can you mend a broken heart? Who let the dogs out?
No one likes my practical joke of licking all the spoons in their house at 3am and that’s why I need my feelings journal today
Meanwhile at the Maternity Ward…
[In Bar]
Friend: Your fly is down
Me: I know, he’s going through a messy divorce
*glances to fly passed out among empty beer bottles*
Firefighter: This is a list of what was destroyed in the fire
Wife: Are my husband’s Creed’s albums on there?
Firefighter: No
Wife *slides him $20* what about now
*At The Opera*
Her: Where are you going?
Me: I have to go to the Men’s Room.
Her: I have the car keys.
Me: Shit!
My kids’ superpower is finding something to fight about after only being awake for 2 minutes.
[Interview with a time traveller]
“What’s life like in the year 3000?”It’s pretty much the same as 2015 but you can download a towel
My “I’m enraged!” status update on Facebook garnered a lot of congratulations from people who don’t read well.
“Jesus Christ, Roger… What the hell are you doing with your life?”
God..how many exercise videos do you have to buy before you get some results
Son, I’m not a mad scientist, just a disappointed scientist.
Pilot: Plane’s too heavy, must shed 5 passengers!
Co-Pilot: A deserted island’s below us…
*lock eyes* We have to MAROON 5!
*plane implodes
Apparently, Walt Disney was a secret FBI snitch for 26 years so I guess you could say he was a rat who was famous for drawing a mouse.
Noah had a younger brother called Rick who just built a speedboat and saved 9 cheetahs
someone just bragged they had two jobs.
this country is so lost.
I just want somebody to want me the way my dog wants a bite of my cheeseburger.
Pretty fed up with the fact that pandemonium almost NEVER involves pandas.
COPS: We know you killed him
ME: I didn’t do it!
COPS: really? *starts playing Shakira*
ME: wait no
MY HIPS: HE’S UNDER THE FLOOR BOARDS
Amazon: Based on your purchases we think you’ll love this.
Me: First of all how dare you attack me with this accuracy I need a large please.
Airport moving sidewalks are great for when you only want to feel like George Jetson for 10 seconds before you’re back to Fred Flintstone.
It’s not a dog if it fits in your handbag.
I like the murder hornets. So sick of all the negativity.
this is your fault for setting him up with Medusa