Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Donald Trump has all the resources to be Batman. Instead, he chooses to be Donald Trump.

Are people who say “hard pass” aware of fiber supplements?

I’m preparing for Halloween early by pretending not to be home every time someone knocks the door.

me writing at 3am: holy shit….. this is so good when did i become this talented
me reading what i wrote the next day: he roled he’s eye

Of the 4 people living in this house, I’m the only one who didn’t immediately try to touch the new cactus houseplant.

HER: need I remind you that it’s your tur-

ME: [sipping wine from a large Pyrex measuring cup] it’s my turn to do the dishes, yes

If I were a cashier I’d pretend people were waiting in line to kiss me.

Remember back in season one of Covid, when we thought maybe we’d be in this for just five seasons like Breaking Bad, and now it’s like, surprise y’all, this is Grey’s Anatomy.

I keep a diary of all the indifferent kisses I’ve had, as one day I’d like to publish my meh mwahs.

the eldest child I nanny (she’s 5) has a game where she sits us all in a circle and gives us each a coin with a sticker on one. anyways if we flip our coin and it lands sticker-side-up we have to touch the dead bee she keeps under her bed in a tupperware.

Hey everybody, I just finished the 30 day yoga challenge and it was easier than I expected. In fact, I bet I could go another 30 days without doing yoga.

My nickname is Gilette because I’m the best a man can get. Also, I will cut you

CHARLIE BROWN: happy thanksgiving!
CHARLIE BROWN’S PARENTS: wah wah wah
CHARLIE BROWN: I cannot believe you said that that’s racist
CHARLIE BROWN’S PARENTS: wah wah wah
CHARLIE BROWN: he’s not my President
CHARLIE BROWN’S PARENTS: wah wah wah
CHARLIE BROWN: I am too your son

Fight Club but it’s just 19 and 16 duking it out over who takes “their” car—the one neither of them paid for

I’d love this…lol

How many Mexicans does it take to change a light bulb? Just Juan.

There are three types of people:

1. Annoying people
2. Annoying people I am sleeping with
3. People I haven’t met

6: Dad, what’s the biggest thing in the world?

Me: Uh

6: Nevermind, Siri…

Why are the produce aisles empty but the booze aisles fully stocked? I guess I’m in luck!

I just pooped my pants in the elevator. I’m taking this shit to a whole nother level.

*shakes the ATM like it’s a vending machine*

if you think the last 12 months dragged on, just think how your dog feels. he’s probably sick of having you home for the 7 years

What’s the name of that Adam Sandler’s movie were he plays an immature adult?

love that every recipe article begins extended background context now. i came here to learn how to cook, but now i’m 6 pages deep into pancake lore. it’s the lord of the rings’ appendices for the modern age.

I could finish folding this laundry much faster if the cat would stop “helping”!

hey, alexa

Parenting is basically just punctuating every conversation with various commands:

“Yes, I like your picture. Put on your shoes.”

“My favorite color is yellow. Finish your breakfast.”

“No, fish don’t snore. Go brush your teeth.”

WIFE: Don’t embarrass me in front of my boss, he’s colorblind

ME: Duh

[later at party]

ME: [to boss] So when did you learn Colorbraille?

I may lack the tail feathers needed to flirt like a peacock but i’ve never seen them manage to rock the Running Man dance so I think it’s clear who the real winner is here

Me: omg can you PLEASE chew with your mouth closed

Lion eating me: sorry