My wife: “Do you even like writing?”
Me: “I like having written.”
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MARINE BIOLOGY PROFESSOR: So an octopus can change its color to mimic its surroundings. When octopi do this it’s called—
ME: An octo-lie.
PROFESSOR: …Metachrosis.
ME:
PROFESSOR:
ME: Mocktopus.
Just called the bank for my account info and a voice whispered ‘If you break the pack in half, Ramen noodles can last you two days.’
Me, yelling over the panic: IT’S OK EVERYONE I LISTENED INTENTLY TO THE SAFETY BRIEFING THE EXITS ARE OVER HERE
*audible sigh of relief from all the passengers as the plane is going down*
Ok in The Quiet Place why do these characters so underutilize the ol “throw a rock over there” trick
Found 78 cents in the dryer this morning & all I’ve got to say is this family is not making it worth my while.
The eliptical I want costs $500, the cheeseburger I want cost $1, you see my dilemma?
I have my hesitations about Paradise City if the first thing you brag about is the color of the grass.
I show dominance by calling out her name from outside her window while she’s having sex.
My bathroom scale is wrapped in duct tape, missing half the numbers, and the dial has been stuck at 110 lbs for years, but I refuse to buy a new one because that’s my ideal weight.
Why there can’t be an Indian Breaking Bad.
doctor: are u drinking enough fluids
me: i’ve never drunk anything else
I went to the car park. There were no slides or swings. My car just sat there. Sad.
I AM THE MAN OF THIS HOUSE AND WHAT I SAY GOES in one ear and out the other.
doctor: how’s the weight loss plan going?
me: i’m doing my best
doctor: are….you drinking a glass of ranch?
me: best doesn’t mean good
4 dudes 1 kickflip #Skateboarding #skatetwitter
boeing: you can’t bring more than 3 ounces of shampoo on board because we care about your safety
me: ok and the doors will definitely stay on the plane?
boeing: …IF they fall off, it won’t be because of shampoo
Me thinking: focus on what she’s saying, focus on what she’s saying, focus on what’s she’s saying…
My wife: …so what do you think?
Me: wait… what?
screw it let’s just name every sports team after colored socks
I thought Penelope was pronounced Peen-a-lope until I was in jr high school
Therapist: What’s your earliest memory?
Me: Crying to my mom when I couldn’t find my shoes
Therapist: So around what, five?
Me: Seven this morning
My horoscope said I should kiss you today
I’ve been walking around with a fish-eating grin ever since I got an emotional support piranha.
[plastic surgeon]
please my credit card it’s very sick
I feel like Trump and Hillary are two divorced parents fighting over custody of us but we kinda just wanna go live with grandma.
There was a pretty girl in the produce section so to impress her I bought a mango
I lifted up my t-shirt to check out my abs and last night’s taco residue fell out so there’s that.
My girlfriend’s just had a go at me for not glistening, whatever that is
*changes column width by one millimeter in Microsoft Word*
*table stretches to five pages*
I missed a call from my mom, so I assume the helicopter that just flew over my house is part of the search crew she called.