My wife: “Do you even like writing?”
Me: “I like having written.”
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Me: I want to open a horse training facility. Call it a gymneighsium lol.
Bank manager: Get out.
prisoner: [wakes up half drunk] where am i
sheriff: bad news pal you’re in jail
prisoner: i can see that but where
sheriff: mississippi
prisoner: ok now that is bad news
Me: What’s the opposite of squaring a number?
My teen: Circling?
Ask a stupid math question
my wife’s divorce lawyer: why don’t we just get them to arm wrestle?
me whispering to my lawyer: do something
i drive home so quick after work like i’m late for the house
Yes, Firefox. I will abort the script but only to save the life of the web page.
Guy who pronounces HOA like boa
“I’m married to a raving lunatic.”
– Actual quote from my husband, yesterday, confiding in our neighbor’s golden retreiver.Joke’s on him. That dog tells me everything.
Uglier.
Angel: But, sir…
I SAID UGLIER!
– God inventing cycling outfits.
Fun Date Idea: Find a balloon, forget about the date, you have a balloon now.
MAGICIAN: Think of a horse
ME: Ok
MAGICIAN: You thinking of one?
ME: Yep
MAGICIAN: Cool right?
ME: Very cool
My 1yo has been crawling around with a croissant in her hand all morning. Not eating it, just clutching it. I think it’s her Emotional Support Croissant.
{last supper}
Jesus: This bread is my body. This wine, it is my blood. And this Cadbury egg is filled with my…
Judas: Ok ok that’s enough!
My CPR expires tomorrow. So if you plan to stop breathing, do it today
Writing a personal ad. So far I have:
Has all own teeth
I bet Ryan Gosling doesn’t even blow his candles out. He probably just winks at them and they faint.
Fan girl on the devil when you arrive in hell by telling him you’re a huge fan of his food cake
Why do they even bother calling him 007, when the first thing he does is introduce himself using his REAL NAME?
Don’t forget to wear your lip gloss so you can constantly pick hair out of it and any flying debris you may collect throughout the day.
The only good thing about daylight saving time is tricking kids into bed early
My kids never answer our phone unless it’s a telemarketer, political candidate or person taking a survey and then they’re all like HELLO OH SURE MY DAD IS RIGHT HERE
Just so we’re all clear: NASA is getting a direct feed from a robot on Mars, but I still can’t make a cell phone call from my basement.
My wife wants me to stay on twitter because she doesn’t want me to tell her 10 jokes a day.
jury duty is so unserious. like uh oh it’s time for my government-mandated gossiping!
McDonald’s just offered me a coupon book to promote the mcrib in a tweet?? Lmao no thanks,, im not THAT cheap. Not like the McDonald’s™️ McRib™️ sandwich. So tangy. So delicious. A little slab of heaven for a mere $2.99 now available for a limited time only
I’m sorry I stabbed all your tires, but in my defense you flirted with me and then said you were just kidding.
Dad Unleashes Haunting Moan Of Satisfaction Upon Descending Into Hot Tub
[sign outside butcher shop: POLISH SAUSAGES – ASK US]
ME: Yes, I’m here about the sausage polishing job?
I don’t remember my password, so I’ll just start my hundredth new account.
-Everyone’s mom
Examine the shadows around my eyes. They speak of loss, of longing, of doom.
Also, I buy mascara at the dollar store.