My wife does this cute thing now & then where she goes out shopping for next years yard sale items.
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Good news! I got the new restraining order today. So if anyone needs a stalker I’m available. I have mad stalking skills plus references.
Good night hand
Good night toe
Good night every noun I know-my toddler, at bedtime
[Me to the second baseman after I slide into 2nd] Make sure u separate plastics & food waste
[Coach from dugout] NOT THAT KIND OF TRASH TALK
COP: Do you know why I pulled you over?
COW: Was I speeding?
COP: No
COW: Is it because I’m a c–
COP: It’s because you’re a cow.
Asked for Cheez-its
Wife buys Cheese Nips
Now she’s sitting in the corner thinking about what she did.
UPS guy just acted like he’d never seen anyone answer the door in a super hero cape & a straw farmer hat.
“that’s why they pay me the medium bucks” always kills in meetings. that’s free for you to use any time you want, buddy. little gift from me to you
This could be the Alcohol talking but….
OMG you guys! The ALCOHOL is TALKING!
If video games have taught me anything, it’s that you’ll automatically get promoted if you kill your boss
sorry i’m late i had to catch a chicken is something i’d never thought i’d say, but here we are
if the second I text you back, you call me because you know I’m holding my phone, I will call the police.
My daughter lost her first tooth today and has not stopped crying since. Why she didn’t punch me back I have no idea
Apparently I have an on again off again relationship with reality. I just can never tell which one.
*pets unicorn*
DATING TIP: PULL THE CHAIR OUT FOR HER. PICK THE CHAIR UP & FOLD IT. HIT HER OVER THE HEAD WITH THE CHAIR. GET THE 3 COUNT. NEW WWE CHAMPION
I always believed that we all have the habit of licking knifes clean after we are done with them..
My surgeon friends disagreed.
My sex life is like Coca-Cola; first it was normal, then light and now zero.
interviewer: can you work overtime?
me: *nodding* and space
people always talk about how they love to sit in their cars for a while once they get home. whenever i do that, my uber driver yells at me
My wife is always like, “You answer the door, I don’t even have my bra on!” and for that reason, I have stopped wearing a bra.
Brain: You’re getting older.
Heart: No!! Age is just a number!!
Nose Hair: Shut up guys, I’m in charge now.
Anyone who expects to feel safe in a driverless car has never owned a printer.
sugar daddy: I’m gonna spoil you
salt daddy: I’m gonna preserve you
If a bear wears shoes and socks he still has bear feet.
Admit it, no one really knows how to use the memory function on a calculator. We’re all just too embarrassed to ask now.
[ Quarantine week 2 ]
We want to become self-sufficient so we planted our own tater tot tree.
iPhone 14, iPhone 15 and iPhone 16
I’m not sure if I like my wife’s new boyfriend.
My husband asked me to do something creative in the bedroom, so I positioned my three dogs in the shape of a heart and went to sleep.
Describing a female colleague to your GF, saying “you know, the hot blond” is conducive to sofa sleeping.