My wife does this cute thing now & then where she goes out shopping for next years yard sale items.
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There is no “five second rule”…
Just a “shame-to-hunger” ratio.
*Girl opens Xmas present*
“Why’d you get me carrots and lettuce?”
“Wait but that means-”
*Hamster at home wearing glorious diamond earrings*
I’m sick of these libs telling me I can’t say “Happy Honda Days” because I might offend someone who celebrates Toyotathon. So, I guess I’m supposed to wish everyone a “Happy Winter Car Sale”?
being human is disgusting sometimes but i don’t think i’d want to be a fish
When I said I start work at 6:30 am I meant that I sit at my desk and drink coffee. I didn’t mean that I wanted you to schedule a meeting at that time I hate you now.
If life gives you raisins, there’s not much you can do.
I really was gonna jog at the park today….but I just found an empty park bench so I’ll just have a few smokes and cheer the joggers on.
What kind of doctor are you?
-Apathologist
A… pathologist?
-No, apathologist. People come to me when they need medical don’t care.
If u wanna be happy the rest of ur life
Never make a prairie falcon ur wife
They need a moderate altitude
To catch burrowing owls for food
I don’t understand why people get embarrassed buying condoms. It’s much more awkward trying to return them. “Uhm… she didn’t like me.”
Employees must applaud the planets.
*rolls up on dance battle*
Sick moves bruh. You know who else had sick moves? Our Lord and Savior Jesus Christ
*hands out pamphlets*
No one has ever had more confidence in me than the waiter who just gave me one napkin with my lunch
I don’t have a lot of notes for pilots, but I do think they should cut their use of the word “final” down to about zero. “Descent” and “destination” work fine for our purposes out there in the main cabin.
THE CAST OF “CATS” AS MEDIEVAL CAT PAINTINGS: A THREAD
My generation acts like they invented podcasts but my mom has been leaving 40min voicemails since before the internet.
well well well, if it isn’t the thing i said i’d do before the holidays that i’m now putting off until after the holidays
I don’t wanna party like it’s 1999, I want to pay my bills like it’s 1999
Doctor: We need you to spit in this cup.
Me, making unbroken eye contact: Ptooey.
Tape a terrible drawing of a refrigerator onto your child.
This morning in my local coffee shop.
Customer: “A large mug with four shots of espresso and the rest filled with milk, please.”
Barista: “Are you sure? That’s a latte coffee!”
#EspressoDay #WednesdayThought #RubbishJokes
I figured out the best time to go grocery shopping these days is at 3:45 AM, before the Girl Scouts even wake up. Ha, I’ll show them.
if he likes you he will let you know. if he wants to talk to you, he’ll text. do nothing. you’re a beautiful object. pretend you’re a tree
At school, Scooby-Doo excelled at the three Rs – biology, Spanish and geography.
Sleep deprivation- because sometimes you cant afford drugs or alcohol but still want to feel delusional and irrational.
こいつ天才
The princess and the pea
But me, finding a rogue cockroach in my shoe and almost shitting myself on the bus
Meet the ghost of a boy who drowned in a pond by his boarding school, and the Latin instructor who drowned him.
