My wife does this cute thing now & then where she goes out shopping for next years yard sale items.
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When you skip while carrying a can of gas people move out of your way. Even if you’re smiling. No one’s happy when you have gas.
People are always terrified of child birth, but they should be scared of the 18 years that follow. Those have to be done without pain meds.🥴
I can tell these edibles have finally kicked in by the way I’m caressing my burrito and whispering “Ay Papi” Into what I’m pretty sure is its ear.
[dinosaur heist movie]
*the expert triceratops safecracker spends 40 minutes unsuccessfully trying to put his ears up to the safe*
Everything is about balance. A sombrero with strawberries on the one side and melons on the other, can and will cause you certain problems, I know this now
[Hide and seek]
Police officer: how long has he been missing?
Wife: a few hours
Police officer: describe him
Wife: 5′ 10, brown hair *raises voice* and he hates dogs
Me from the bushes: no he doesn’t
Please, Daddy was my father. Call me Son
My husband accused me of not being affectionate, so I kissed the FedEx guy.
You know that chick who said, “Nothing tastes as good as skinny feels?”…
Yeah, well I ate her.
Was enjoying playing legos with my son until my wife tapped me on the shoulder and said he went outside an hour ago.
“you could save money if you just stopped going out so much”
You severely underestimate my ability to spend money staying in
(Electricians.)
this royal photo stuff… funny how you all suddenly feel like you have a license to talk about women’s bodies… newsflash: some women have zippers in their hair. some women’s legs are too small and oddly bent in on themselves. some women don’t have reflections
SORRY I REPLACED EVERYTHING IN YOUR FIRST AID KIT WITH BAGS OF BEEF JERKY YOU MIGHT BE MAD NOW BUT YOU’LL THANK ME LATER
Me [murdering the last vampire] it’s the final count down!
listen *drags cigarette* you don’t wanna tweet, kid *exhales* we already did all the jokes
This reads like the bunny is the First Lady and I can’t stop laughing.
ME: How are you?
“I can’t complain”
ME: Maybe you’re not trying hard enough
The letter C should make a “ch” sound. S and K got the rest covered. Waste of prime alphabet real estate and does nothing original without help from my man H.
*pushes you to the couch and latches on*
I’m a koala, and you’re my eucalyptus tree.
*pretends to eat your hair*
[ice cream parlor]
WIFE: I’ll have two scoops of vanilla
ME: me too, u could say I want an
WIFE AND CLERK: please don’t
ME: ice cream clone
Therapist: do u communicate with your kids?
Me: my son stays in his room all day & never speaks
Therapist [looks at notes]: the 5 week old?
Movie Studio Chief: We’ve made “Batman.” We’ve made “The Batman.” What’s next?
Me: “The The Batman”?
I just want to apologize to all the guys I dated BEFORE I started using Prozac.
And to their wives. And their local fire departments.
This is a bad idea on so many levels.
I always assumed the movie “Grease” got its title from how those characters managed to fit into those pants.
Brilliant!
on a date with a guy who got evicted for chewing through all the wires in his house
Police can solve more crimes if they arrest every adult who owns a creepy mask.
They should watch more of Scooby-Doo.
[God inventing snakes]
What about a scarf that could kill you?