Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Me: I need the other guy

Him: I’m the head surgeon

Me: [with a broken foot] exactly

Jokes on you, I still have a stockpile of toilet paper from the Mayan Calendar Apocalypse.

date: I like to tell dad jokes

me: does he laugh?

date: what

me: I think I left my phone charger on the plane

flight attendant: are you getting into the life boat or not

Not messing around

Looking forward to Keanu Reeves making improvements to his home in the upcoming

Matrix: Renovations

*Buys map of world, pins up on wall
*Throws dart, swears to visit wherever it lands
*packs for wall 3 feet away
*has an amazing time at wall

wife: are you wearing my clothes?!?

me: ok I know this looks bad

me: it needs a belt right?

One of my biggest talents is taking hundreds of screenshots that I swear I’ll need, but I never look at them again.

“What if your breakfast could occasionally spit acid in your eye?”
-Inventor of grapefruit

Alcohol is a perfect solvent: It dissolves marriages, families and careers.

Me *calls 911* I got stabbed by an murderer

911: omg

Me: omg

911: “an” murderer haha

Me: haha stop I heard it just as I said it

Che Guevara was such a revolutionary. He revolutionized the t-shirt sales.

I hate long distance relationships so I’m moving the fridge to my bedroom.

The real reason women will never be the ones to propose: As soon as she gets on her knees, he will start unzipping his pants.

guys: women are a mystery.
women: Here is what we-
guys: LITERALLY WHAT DO THEY WANT?
women: well for start-
guys: Guess we’ll never know!

You can strip us of our rights,
our dignity and our freedom but know this; we will NEVER stop correcting your grammar.

ME: *gets slapped in the face by a small reptile*

“And that’s for being a jerk to your wife!”

~ Karma Chameleon

The only time I’ve ever been a priority is when I paid extra for shipping.

Just emerged from my Y2K bunker.

Everybody okay?

Caught my son on an archaeology website looking at dirty pitchers.

A shampoo bottle upside-down in the shower is basically your low-fluid indicator light.

Monday is a draft that was sent by mistake when God’s cat jumped on the keyboard.

NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOoooooooooooooooooooooooo!!!

Indiana Jones and that one time he went to his actual job

HIM: if you have a moment, I’d like to talk to you about Jesus
ME: are his grades slipping again

Oh really, Carol? It takes fewer muscles to smile than to frown? How many muscles does it take you to mind your own business

Today I saw a kid being pushed around in the shopping cart while eating a snack and watching a movie on an iPad. It’s tough to see others living out your dreams.

[my first day as an art teacher]

“before u start drawing let your eyes linger over the subject”

(it’s a dead bullfrog dressed as a cowboy)

[at work]

me in my 20’s: I DONT NEED LUNCH I HAVE MOTIVATION AND AMBITION TO ENERGIZE ME

me now: listen, if i don’t eat lunch at this exact second i will actually die