Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Shout out to political bumper stickers, changing nobody’s mind and lowering the value of your car and whatnot.

ME AS SATAN: *holding a pitchspork*

Parenting is basically just punctuating every conversation with various commands:

“Yes, I like your picture. Put on your shoes.”

“My favorite color is yellow. Finish your breakfast.”

“No, fish don’t snore. Go brush your teeth.”

[tries a new move during sex to keep things interested]
wife: did you just dab

Hate when I lay out too close to the shoreline and the other beach goers team up to try to push me back in the water.

*Holds my sweatpants like a ball gown when I walk up the stairs*

Some guy in a strange costume walked up my front steps but when I went to give him some candy he just gave me some mail

the cvs cashier asked me how im doing as i put some diarrhea medicine on the counter. “not great man ive got diarrhea” i told him

Tony Hawk: *does a 360*

Tony Owl: *does a 360 while doing a 180*

WIFE: Your heavy drinking is making you delusional
ME: *turns to friend* Do you think that’s true?
WOLVERINE: Nah, don’t listen to her

me to 8: dude you’re growing up! When you gonna stop getting bigger?

8: I don’t know. When are you gonna stop getting bigger?

me:

The person in the hotel room above me appears to be getting their 10,000 steps for the day in RIGHT NOW

[God making coconuts]

ANGEL: Hair on the outside?

GOD: Yes

ANGEL: Milk on the inside?

GOD: Yes

ANGEL: So, this is another mammal?

GOD: [taking bong rip] lmao, no

Surround yourself with people who don’t make you sage your home after they’ve left.

my daughter brought home a drawing from preschool today and when i asked enthusiastically “honey, did you draw this???” she replied “someone else did but i took it”

*first day as getaway driver

“I’m gonna make a Starbucks run while you’re in the bank. Who wants what?”

Attack today with a positive attitude. Absolutely destroy it with good vibes. Murder its family with hope.

Green tea reduces weight*

*Only if you go and pick the leaves from the mountains yourself.

Gmail: Please sign in again for your safety.

Chrome: oh wait, I remember the password, never mind.

I have a horrific story to share. I sauteed broccoli for dinner with extended family. We were almost done. I was about to eat my last bite. And I saw a caterpillar. I went to the pan. More caterpillars. By then it was too late. So, I said nothing. I fed my family caterpillars 😭

*stranded on island*
*puts message in bottle and throws it into sea*
*years later gets message back*
what’s updog?
*fist pump*

I love movies from the 70s because they’re like “it’s okay to be sweaty for no reason” which is important to me

*invents time machine*

*has an opportunity to right a wrong*

*makes it wronger*

My 12-year-old went to a movie with a boy.

I gave her money for her ticket.

The boy paid.

I did not get my money back.

I learned an important lesson about dating today.

“Don’t make things all about you for once…”

My mother says hi.

I’m not saying I’ve gained weight, I’m just saying I don’t think my belt buckle should be facing the ground…

Are you questioning my vocabulary skills, pal? Cause you are gonna get punched right in the plethora

Today’s life lesson: “I’ve learned that pleasing everyone is impossible, but pissing them off is a piece of cake.”

Comic 🥺👉👈💗❤️‍🔥