My wife doesn’t believe that auto correct changed “Yes dear” to “Hell no I’m not picking your mother up from the airport at 1am.”
You Might Also Like
[on a date]
I’ve got butterflies in my stomach
“that’s so cute. You dont have to be nervous”
[flashback to me eating some butterflies] ok
When you send food back to the kitchen, you’re basically saying,
“Can you have the chef rub his genitals on this please.”
My son made us all hide then jump out and yell ‘surprise!’ for his birthday. If you guys aren’t planning the same for my birthday on Tuesday, it’s gonna sting
GOOD COP: Three robberies in the same neighborhood …do you know what I’m thinking?
PSYCHIC COP: Yes
GOOD COP: Oh right
When someone tells me they’re sick I try to make them feel better with a story about my own sickness that was much worse and many years ago.
[diary, day 3642 on deserted island]
How can I still be fat?
Avril: I want a divorce. You aren’t a sk8er boi. So see ya later boi.
Chad: This is how you remind me of what I really am?!
You can pour up to 12 bowls of salad in your sweats before they kick you out of the Olive Garden.
Don’t be alarmed,
you’re not a clock.
Every old house is haunted, but some ghosts are just clumsier than others.
dinosaur: omg a meteor
tyrannosaurus clark kent: *trying really hard to remove his glasses with his stupid little arms*
who called it an infinity scarf instead of a scaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa
12. I think about this all the damn time
Strangers get so paranoid when they catch you stirring a mysterious powder into their drink.
[watching Harry Potter in bed]
Harry: please leave
Priests should not have to live in a state of forced celibacy, but be free to marry and let celibacy slowly descend upon them the usual way.
[Me, being lowered into my grave.
Email still buzzing nonstop]Zillow: 7 new burial plots just listed in your area
Target: 20% off all women’s death shrouds
Amazon: It’s never too late to treat yourself from your wishlist
As much as I love making terrible science puns I understand why they need to be periodically tabled
[Me as an Italian language translator]
Police: Ask him where the money is hidden.Me: Spaghetti tortellini Benghazi Fibonacci cappuccino.
we got a new bathroom accessory and now the toilet is amazed when I pee
Vacation is just your wife not liking any of your restaurant suggestions closer to the ocean.
Did you know when someone annoys you it takes 42 muscles to frown but only 4 to extend your arm and punch them in the face.
at my local diner ordering eggs “gorilla” style and refusing to explain further
My 8yr old’s home from school and that means I’ll be yelled at for the next two days for accidentally breathing while she’s trying to record videos.
My 3-year-old gave me a sticker for behaving myself in public. She’s doing a good job of raising her parents.
You are right, 27 is “just a number” but I’m looking for a man, not a boy.
No offense.
PS: Save my number… just in case I change my mind.
If you don’t have anything nice to say, you’ve come to the right place.