Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

If you try to rip somebody’s head off, I suggest you train for it first. If you don’t succeed it makes the following few minutes awkward.

Thanks autocorrect. I wanted her to know that I shaved my duck.

*travels to Tibet*
*scales Mount Makalu*
*finds sacred Guru on the summit*

Guru: We’ve been trying to reach you about your car’s extended warranty.

Just checked my bank account….
That shit said $ L,MA0,00.00

Why hasn’t somebody opened a coffee shop next to a courthouse called ‘On What Grounds?’ Send

My husband surprised me by taking the day off. I guess today is the day he finds out we’ve actually had a cleaning company for the last 5 years.

Happy birthday to Bruce Campbell, star of the documentary series The Evil Dead. It makes me feel so much safer knowing he’s out there protecting us from deadites. Thank you, sir!

Publisher handing my horror novel back to me with shaking hands: you need to lose the pop-ups

There are two kinds of people here

1. Those who tried deleting another person’s tweet or reply.

2. Liars

[starts to leave the theater when the title appears on-screen]
date: no, Get Out is the name of the movie

If your name got called on The Price is Right, it’d be fun to scream, jump up and down, and then run full speed out of the studio

Why are coroners in movies always eating sandwiches? Anyway… Good Morning.

Thoughts and prayers for my son who thought it would be funny to tell me “I’ll get to it when I get to it, woman”

Red Cross: A blood donation is the best gift you can give to someone.

[Christmas morning]

Kids: [all screaming while opening presents]

Showerhead Self-Conscious About Single Jet That Sprays Sideways #OurAnnualYear2019

If you want to get someone out of your office, just pull two tampons out of your purse and start air drumming.

About to form my very first opinion

my 4yo asked my favorite dinosaur and when I said t-rex he told me I couldn’t have it because that was his so I guess now I have to pick out a new 4yo

last night in a voiceover session

me doing a line: COME!
engineer: sorry, could you do that come again, it was a little too strong
me: …
engineer: …
me: …yeah…no problem…sorry my come was too strong

Me: I’m interested in your doggy daycare program for my puppy.

Clerk: Okay. It’s $45 for a full day, and they get to just play and sleep and eat treats and hang out with other puppies.

Me: Can…can I join, too?

[before meditation]
I just wanna kill someone

[after meditation]
and I know EXACTLY how

My first workout back at the gym was great… I did 15 mins of cardio, 10 mins on the defibrillator, and then 3 days in the hospital.

6yo, looking at a cemetery: WAIT HOW CAN THEY ALL DIE IN ONE SPOT

As the Lord intended

Nicknamed my newly crawling baby Roomba, for the obvious reasons

Them: If you say more one thing you’re going to die.

Me: And another thing…

millennials love books because we grew up watching Beauty and the Beast, in which a woman is willing to do anything to get her hands on a library—even marry a literal bull-moose-man.

Me: Can I order the conch fritters please?
Waitress: The “ch” is pronounced like a “k”
Me: Okay Bick.

DATING TIP: OFFER THEM WATER. PUT 2 STRAWS IN.

ROMANTIC WATER.

I overheard my husband tell his mother how vengeful and vindictive I am. Well, we’ll just see about that.