Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Quinoa was invented by someone who really wanted to win at scrabble.

I wish I understood computers better so I could find those cookies I’ve been accepting all these years.

Based on the musicians who thanked him at the Grammys, I gotta say: I’m not crazy for God’s taste in music.

dating apps are crazy. How are your first two interests “Harry Potter” and “mindfulness”

wife: I don’t think our marriage can survive the distance issue
me: what distance issue, I’m always here or nearby
wife:
me: oh

first world problems

I could really use hands-free web browsing.

*gets on 1 knee*

Me: I know we haven’t known each other for a long time, but will you marry me?

Her: Please get off my knee

My husband just walked in on me drinking cake batter from the mixing bowl and had absolutely no reaction. He’s my soulmate.

Him: Can you turn on the wifi?

Me: *does a seductive dance in front of the router*

[An alternate reality where Smurfs live among us and I see Smurfette at the bar and she’s looking real good]

Me: Hey I think you’re really bluetiful

So disappointed that they canceled the New York City Marathon. This was going to be the year I lied about running it.

married sext…
him: I’ll be home soon
her: don’t you threaten me

Thieves have removed motorway signs in Yorkshire. Police are currently searching for Leeds.

Your food is my food, but my food is also my food even though I won’t eat it
-toddlers

How apt that, after listening to “hold music” for an hour, I need a hug.

HER: I’m pansexual.

ME: Oh, cool.

*quietly nudges a cabinet door shut with my foot, hiding my pots and pans*

If you ever see me with one of those stick figure family bumper stickers it means I’m dead and someone is wearing my skin

I have to tell a client that the ship carrying her countertops is being held up by pirates and it is too early for this right now

2017: It can’t get worse than this

DAY ONE, 2018: A YouTube star filmed a dead body for entertainment

My chess strategy is to make a bunch of erratic moves at the beginning to throw my opponent off, & then lose the game

I accidentally spilled water on the rice so I immediately put it in a jar of smartphones.

She had soft, black hair, and big, brown eyes. We went for a walk. I told her I loved her. Now she’s gone. She took off after a squirrel.

just a heads-up any of you wander onto my property and say “hi! i’m from twitter!” i’m turning on the sprinklers

Anything is free if you can outrun security.

The more you know.

*Shovel
*Lye
*Gloves

Cashier: “Gardening project?”
Me: “Nope”

*Bleach
*Duct tape
*Tarp

I’m a human alarm clock so when I wake up this early for no reason, I punch myself in the face to turn myself off.

greatest 45 seconds in cinematic history

Judge: You’re out of order!
Lawyer: This whole court room is out of order!
*I burst in*
Me: THE VENDING MACHINE IN THE LOBBY IS OUT OF ORDER

You see a Honda, a Toyota, a Chevy, and another Honda. I see four people who aren’t getting that parking space. Hang on.

It’s like grandma always said…

Make sure you put everything in the medicine cabinet back where you found it or you won’t be invited back.