My wife doesn’t have a Honey-Do list. She has a Cantaloupe list, which has all the girls I’m not allowed to run away with
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me: officer there’s a suspicious looking van parked outside
cop: does it look shady?
me: yeah it’s actually a pretty good parking spot
I’ve only been eating 6 spiders instead of 8 every year so I’ll have plenty for retirement.
[JanSport keynote address]
(audience grumbling)
“where is he?”
*CEO emerges from backpack on stage*
*crowd goes nuts*
YOU KIDS GET OFF MY MOAT.
mumsnet is amazing
Me: *watching Fargo* Hmmm everybody seems to mostly be traveling short distances
Me: [Advancing my knight] How much to build a hotel on this square?
Grim Reaper: First, as I explained, that’s not how the horse moves.
How to make a woman scream in the bedroom: marry her and leave your clothes on the floor.
My husband says how much he loves my cooking by having poison control on speed dial.
2020 was the worst escape room I’ve ever done.
me: you take your job a little too seriously
bouncer: *jumping up and down* what
People on Twitter are like “My fake kid can out debate your fake kid on whatever world issue is currently fake popular!”
If everybody would just wait until the Monday after the Super Bowl, the tickets will be half price
cigarettes make you look cool but they take years off your life. two good reasons to smoke
Apparently “will work for food” doesn’t involve hunting.
Passenger: Do you mind if I take a picture out the window?
Pilot: Of course, you utter dipshit.
Accidentally closed a browser with 20+ tabs opened . . . this must be what the scholars of Alexandria felt when their great library burned.
“they arent wearing seatbelts” – my mom watching a car chase scene in any action movie
Me: The dog’s eaten the remote control
Wife: Then get another one[later]
Wife: Change the channel
Me *petting 2 dogs* how?
Me: this math stuff isn’t gonna help us in the real world
[20 years later]
Boss: ok lift on three
Me: oh shit
ME: Good date?
FRIEND: Ok. Until he got undressed
ME: Then what?
FRIEND: [sticks out pinky finger]
ME: Ah. Then he drank tea in a fancy way
My 4yo asked if the tooth fairy pulls your teeth out in your sleep, and I deserve an award for taking the mature not-funny path of telling her “no”.
I love how my car’s check engine light turns off. Of course this means the engine has healed on its own.
ME: Hey bro you got toilet paper?
GUY IN NEXT STALL: Yeah [slides me toilet paper]
ME: No I don’t need any I’m just checking.
GUY IN NEXT STALL: Why?
ME: Because I care.
me: [sprinkling white ash on the ground in the shape of a pentagram]
build-a-bear employee: please don’t do that
At the end of “Grease,” the car just started flying and everyone was all, “Aw, good for them.”
Toddler law mandates that once they are able to perfectly recite the ABC’s for their parents they must act like rabid chimpanzees when asked to do it for anyone else.
“For I am Christ the Redeemer, He Who Saves!”- Jesus, using his coupons.
When I can’t find my car keys, I’m grateful for the most helpful suggestions like “Where did you last leave them?” and “They’ll turn up”.
if anyone is picking on you, it’s really themselves they have a problem with, I promise