I was trying to get a quarter size spider off of the ceiling and it fell INTO MY CLEAVAGE! After screaming my head off, jumping around and shaking my top like a Polaroid picture it fell out. I’m writing this from inside a dumpster I’ve set on fire. Farewell.
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The great thing about roadkill is you can teach your kid about wildlife and road safety simultaneously
On a scale of corn to manycorn how impressed are you by my new corn-based number system
If I was a judge, I’d keep a pile of walnuts with me on the table at all times. If I’m gonna use the gavel, I might as well eat some delicious walnuts.
*Dial-up modem gets on stage at a whale rap battle*
“BEEEEEWoooooo BLEEeeeeee BING bing ping”
*drops mic**stunned whale crowd loses it*
Instagram now has video! I’m going to film the hell out of this salad!
On a first date when we are sharing a dessert, I like to feed him. Using the airplane technique and noises.
Update: I’m Still single.
great now I have to die before I can get a hot dog
Not that anybody asked, but the Irresistible Force beats the Immovable Object — every time.
Damn, girl, are you a customer looking for a great deal, because my clothes are 75% off.
ham: accepted, non-offensive
hamn: curse, extremely forbidden
When fireworks were invented, it was ‘hisssss’ to ‘wheeeee’ in the making.
How to tell if your kid is doing drugs
1. Are your drugs missing?
He said he wanted to “put more than just words in my mouth” and I was like “I hope you mean hamburgers.”
Never realized how out of shape I was until I started sweating after using scissors for 30 seconds.
One of my buddies is so healthy, wealthy, and wise… I wonder what his secret is? I want to ask him but he always goes to bed so early
Jigsaw: I want to play a game
Me: *takes his hand* I don’t play games
Jigsaw: [whispers] OMG
Me: It’s been 3 years, but I’m finally making progress on my book.
Friend: You’re writing a book?
Me: No. I meant the book I’m reading.
therapy: $500
tattoo: $500 but cooler
Grandma’s funeral ft. Pitbull
I just saw an article titled “Can We build a Real Jurassic Park?”
DID YOU FORGET WHAT HAPPENED IN THE MOVIE?!
Two ill-tempered people return from a fractious trip to the grocery store, driving through an Old Testament downpour, and neither having changed the battery in the garage door opener.
Your prospects for a pleasant day are excellent because they have absorbed all the anger in…
The extreme amount of stress I feel when crawling into my sleeping child’s room to leave tooth fairy money proves I could never make it as a spy
Anyone who tells you to get kids to help more around the house has never asked kids to help more around the house.
“Owen, you must hide this baby, at all costs, from Anakin Skywalker.”
“Okay. Should we continue to call him Luke Skywalker?”
“Seems fine.”
Showed my mom a pic of a guy I thought was hot and she said he looked just like my dad when he was young and now Christmas is ruined
me: time for sleep 🙂
my brain: WHAT IS THE NOG IN EGG NOG??
Next time your work asks why you’re calling out sick, tell them that you have the clap.
They won’t ask again.
My retirement plan is to have an abdomen that can stop a cannonball
pirate captain: did you finish burying the treasure chest
me: yes, and i marked it on the map with an x
pirate captain: there’s like 20 x’s on here
me: that’s in case the map falls into the wrong hands
me: come back to my place?
her: sure
me: it’s not haunted
her: what
me: no ghosts