My wife: Don’t kiss me, your stubble hurts my face.
Also my wife: [has three facial exfoliants that contain sand, walnut shells and bamboo]
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People complain a lot about Peeps, but when I really want to eat something slightly toxic and also glittery, they’re the first thing I reach for
Friend of mine confused IUD with IED and I couldn’t stop laughing
I get my eyes from my Dad & the ability to find something wrong with almost anything from my Mom
As my kid gets older he goes to bed later, which means he hangs out longer, which means *I* have to stay up later to get my alone time, which means by the time he’s 13, I’ll be going to bed at sunrise.
If anyone has a solid 3 hours on their hands, my 6 year old has a story about Pikachu he’ll tell to anyone who is willing to listen.
screaming until I turn this migraine into an us-graine 😉
Someone told me once you can’t keep complaining about something if you’re not gonna do anything about it. But I’ve found that you can, pretty easily.
Yes I have strong principles, no they do not guide my behavior in any way. And that’s Valid.
Me: *places a hold on a book in the Libby app*
Libby app: There’s a 36 week wait on this book.
Me: *starts another book while I wait*
*two hours later*
Libby app: Your hold is ready.
For the low, low price of a $25 donation, you too can be totally annoyed by me for several days until you pay another $25 for me to shut up.
I made some fish tacos today…
But they just ignored them and swam away…
HONEY QUICK COME HERE THERE’S A COMMERCIAL ABOUT MENOPAUSE
MARRIED WHITE FEMALE in search of someone to remove holiday cookies and treats from her hands. Must be of strong constitution.
cats are difficult cuz you want to cuddle with them and they’re like this uneven piece of plastic on top of the hard counter is more comfortable.
waiter: how would you like your steak cooked
me: i’d love it
Entertained some out of town guests last night. At dinner they told us they refused to take the subway because it was too dangerous. My 9 year old said “What? You mean like if you ride on top?”
My mental health after scrolling Twitter for approximately 8 seconds
A demon that writes messages on your mirror with blood but they’re useful messages. Like “remember you have yoga at 6 tonight”
If you leave your trash cans out all week you’ll always be the first to have them at the curb
Review of “grandma”: slow, slow-witted, terrified of technology, can’t bench for shit, no karate, basically racist ★☆☆☆☆
Super convenient that my arms came with cup holders.
fortune cookie- You will not die alone but with many many cat…
cat: LOL THAT’S SO YOU!
Felt so bad for this dude.
Imagine showing up to your son’s high school football game and he gets killed by Hitler.
notice
Missed the ice cream truck today because I was too proud to run. And for what. What honor did that bring me
The first generation gentle parent in me resisting the urge to say ‘that’s what happens when you don’t pick up your shit’ when my kid falls over a toy.
You don’t know laziness until you rob a bank & choose to wait for the amount you stole to be announced on news rather than count it yourself
My dog is coming home from surgery today and I hope he did ok. He can’t afford another malpractice suit.
[Commercial for Milk]
Tired of dipping your hot dog in boring old water?!
Just found out monkey pox is sexually transmitted .. just another win for me