Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

WHY IS THAT COTTON CANDY TALKING?!

“Grandma, that’s Niki Minaj.”

i’m such an introvert i don’t even talk to myself

I told the barista my name was “Britney Spears” just for giggles and he handed me my coffee with “annoying white girl” written on it instead

My kids are watching Babe and my oldest asked “What happened to his mother” and I just slowly looked at the hotdog on his plate

90% of my vocabulary is comprised of words I’m hoping you don’t realize I made up.

My wife: *catches me in bed with a Transformer*
Me: Wait! It’s not what it looks like!

You hit a couple of curbs, take out a trash can and all of a sudden it’s “you can’t drive”.

How come when our phones fall, we panic, but when our friends fall, we laugh.

goldfish mafia

Boss: why’d you leave early?
Me: you said cease the day
Boss: yes I said seize the day
Me:
Boss:

☀️🧛🏻 🌙 🦇

If men could get pregnant, not only would abortions be legal, I think McDonald’s would be doing it.

If the only way you can make money with your degree is to become a professor teaching the subject…

Then you have–by definition–joined a pyramid scheme.

I am upset with my parents for making me exist. u just decided to make a person one day? who’s gonna pay my bills? me? I didn’t ask for this

Nobody has ever partied as hard as skeletons in a cemetery in a 1930s cartoon. Using their heads as bongos. Doing cartwheels.. Letting one skelly use a broom to sweep them up into a big bone pile. The Euphoria kids could never

For newbies

DOM – means Dominos
SUB – means subway

always here to help! All day 👍

My 8 year old told me a boy proposed at school and she accepted and honestly this will be her second marriage so I told her she’s going to get a reputation.

Someone just told me to “have a blessed day.”
What do you even say to someone like that? I just hissed at them.

Had to go out in public so I put on lipstick before I remembered that’s not a thing anymore.

My husband is a keeper.

No, that’s not the word.

Hoarder. He’s a hoarder.

GARY BUSEY: I WANNA WRITE A BOOK
HIS AGENT: gary that’s a bad idea—how’d you feel about a ghost writer?
GARY: SCARED AS HELL BUT I LIKE IT

Me: “Could you show me where the self-help books are?”

Librarian: “No.”

hello I’m britain’s greatest spy and my catchphrase is I tell you my real surname then my real forename then my real surname again in case you missed it

My girlfriend broke up with me because I kept saying “it’s a-me” before introducing myself to people

i raised my dog to treat all people as equals
whether they be grey, grey, grey or grey

My theory is, “things can’t be too bad if I can still laugh about it”

This has led to me making jokes at WILDLY inappropriate times

The 7 year old referred to some minor drama at school as having ‘almost caused world war one one one’, which I think is a beautiful example of saying something you’ve only ever read and never heard

My toddler just tried to change the channel with a chicken finger and since I had the remote in my hand I totally let him think it worked.

[junkyard dog barking viciously and running directly at me]
Me: Wow he must really want me to pet him

hate when people say “if u think this is better than sex, u haven’t had good sex!”, like no, maybe you’ve just never had good lasagna, Carol