My Wife: Don’t look at your phone while driving
Also my wife when I’m driving: What do you think of these bar stools?
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Huge respect for Parasite, but Ford v Ferrari deserved to win just for the opening scene
Hey whatcha eating?
“A pluot”
Wtf is a pluot?
“A cross between a plum & an apricot”
That’s really stupid.
*rides off on a liger*
With my husband’s inability to find anything, I’m really surprised we have children.
The easiest way to woo a girl is show up to her door with a loaf of garlic bread
My friends definitely cannot handle their alcohol. Last night they dropped me 3 times carrying me out of the bar
glorious crime spree after being fired from wal mart., expertly hopping fences, chugging all the seeds out of my neighbors bird feeders,
Telling someone they can’t be sad because others have it worse is like telling someone they can’t be happy because others have it better.
Tweet faster, America, things still aren’t fixed!
Jesus was white and spoke English and enjoyed baseball and apple pie and was a churchgoing Christian.
*possum hospital
Nurse: Get the crash cart?!
Doctor: Give it a minute
Do not steal food from the science building!
If I’m found dead in the bathtub clutching a toaster, check for Pop-Tarts before jumping to conclusions.
[first day as a drug dealer]
Buyer: got any Morphine?
Me: I’m gonna be honest with you [searching through fannypack] I don’t know what Feen is.
Toby Keith playing a men-only concert in Saudi Arabia is historic. It’s the 1st time being a woman in Saudi Arabia is a benefit.
A fun thing to do when someone shows you a picture of their new baby is to look confused and just say “I don’t get it?”
Watching Unsolved Mysteries and getting mad when they don’t solve the mystery at the end
Accidentally went to Rouge One instead of Rogue One. Boy is my face red.
Can you imagine if it was normal to say goodbye to everyone in the movie theater? “… have a good one.. enjoyed watching the movie with you..”..
Don’t cry because it’s over. Cry because you’re just a head in a jar in some science lab.
my bf is sick and i offered him a cup of throat coat tea and he (extremely blearily) went “throat goat???”
Movie idea: Channing Tatum and Chris Hemsworth are called on by the US government to take their shirts off and punch people who read books.
The hardest part of potty training my puppy is shitting outside with him so he can learn how to
me: [walking into high school reunion] this is going to be a nightmare
principal: where’s your pants?
Danke for calling Germany.
To order beer, press 1.
To order weapons, press 2.
To order philosophy, press 1 until it resembles a 2.
it took 26 tries to get this “messy” bun to look just right and he asked why I didn’t do my hair today, so I hit him with the shovel
officer: fair enough
Make a dating service for introverts and call it Mumble
Me: Wouldn’t it be funny if a hawk swooped down and grabbed one of the kids?
Him: You need help.
“Honey, the baby sure is fussy. Why don’t we go see a movie after we goto a nice, quiet restaurant?”
Did give Husband a haircut after three cocktails, but he thinks it looks great because three cocktails.
You can have a terrier or you can have a Roomba, but you cannot have both.