Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I ordered side dishes from Cracker Barrel to take to my mom’s for Thanksgiving and when I asked if they would be hot at pick-up the lady said, “Are you taking to someone’s house? Bc it’s going to say Cracker Barrel on the pan so bring dishes.”

Good God that’s customer service.

PRIEST: Does anyone know why these two should not be married?

ME: *from back* SHE PRONOUNCES IT ‘SUPPOSABLY’

*priest slowly backs away*

Wanna know what it’s like being married?

Chain yourself to a wild animal.

Now kick the animal.

[texting old friend I only hung out with cuz they had a trampoline] do u still got that trampoline

<job interview>
It says here on your resume that you are a “self-proclaimed man of few words.” Would you like to elaborate on that?

Me: no

[walks into Halloween party with a hot dog taped to my head]

“What are you supposed to be?”

ME: I’m not wearing a costume

Is “drunk” an emotion?

Because if it is, I am feeling SUPER emotional right now….

Do you smell smoke?

I always say that when I fart. It makes people take a deep breath.

Wish I was a duck. Just chillin in a park all day, maybe go for a swim. Oh what’s that? People wanna feed me? Hell yeah

A woman at the grocery store stopped me and asked “Do you know where the cheese is?” and it was the only time in my life that I confidently gave directions.

Get your shit together, people at McDonald’s drive thru who sit there all confused like the menu hasn’t been the same for the last 50 years

[emerging from a ten year coma]

my dad: look who finally got up

Me at my 225th rodeo:

“What the hell is going on?”

“Don’t put all your eggs in one basket” is just a line fed to us by Big Basket.

Airlines texting me “we in this together” emails but when my bag was 35kg I was on my own.

“I like big nuts and I cannot lie/Raisins, M&Ms I can’t deny”

-Sir Trail Mix-A-Lot

My neighbors started Christmas decorating right after they ran out of Halloween candy so I called the police.

The life cycle of pickles:

Day 1: Wife buys pickles
Day 1: I eat pickles

Day 2: I replace pickles
Day 2: I eat pickles

Day 3: Wife notices missing pickles
Day 3: Both buy pickles
Day 3: I eat pickles

me: do you want to feel my face, i’m very handsome

blind date: you do know i’m not actually blind, right?

me: *stuffing ryan gosling bust back into my bag* yes of course

[concert]

lead singer: HOW WE DOING TONIGHT, INDIANAPOLIS?!?

me, from the back of the venue: I DROVE IN FROM A NEIGHBORING SUBURB SO I DON’T FEEL COMFORTABLE ANSWERING FOR THOSE LIVING IN THE ACTUAL CITY!

NURSE: *bursts into break room* A man just came to the ER with a broken bone thru his skin!

DR DOG: *looks at other Drs* I’ll take this one

Here is my toddler homeschooling schedule. Any questions?

8-10am: frozen
10-12pm: frozen 2
*lunch*
1-3: frozen
3-5:frozen 2
*dinner*
6-8pm: frozen
*bed*

Me: Threesome?
Wife: When pigs fly!

Do I wish for flying pigs?

Pro: Threesome
Con: High bacon prices

*has idea
*starts building catapult

my mental health would drastically increase if I could be involved in a heist like once or twice a month, even better if there’s a fun montage included

[first day as a vet]
me: what’s the problem
cat: meow
me: yes but where

“You should cook it like this more often.”

Me, panicked cried twice and burnt myself when cooking it: sure.

Well well well… looks like someone put on some weight again.

~ my pants right now

how to meditate myself out of criminal intent oh shoot i thought this was google

Apparently saying “If you think your wife is fat now, wait till she has the baby” is not a good way to congratulate someone.

What my husband said: How about you run to Target for cleaning supplies and I’ll hang with the kids

What I heard: How about you run to Target alone so you have the freedom to spend this months mortgage payment on unnecessary home decor and a 2020 calendar that you’ll never use