My Wife: Don’t look at your phone while driving
Also my wife when I’m driving: What do you think of these bar stools?
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If someone insults you, the best revenge is to just ignore them and pretend it never bothered you. Although arson works too.
Yog see woman
Yog ask woman out
Yog go on date
Yog fall in love
Yog act like an idiot
Yog get dumped
Yoghurt.
if I order fries, they are for me
if he orders fries, they are for me
if the next table orders fries and they’re not looking, they are for me
John: Yesterday…
Paul: All my troubles seemed so far away
George: But now it looks…
Ringo: Waterslides hurt if they aren’t wet enough
I heard you like bad girls. Well I’m bad. At everything. Winks at you with both eyes.
I once had a tweet go bacterial.
[China]
“You have to get good grades”
KID: But it’s so hard!
“We’re Can-tonese not Cant-tonese”
KID: You gotta admit that’s a bit confusing
[vet office]
ME: *puts cat on counter* He’s sick
VET: How so?
ME: Look
*cat’s arranging magazines & gently tosses empty cup in garbage*
I only have one sex toy. 7 if you search my house and get creative.
Every night it sounds like my neighbors take turns at running headfirst into their walls
*gets naked*
*gets baked*
*doesn’t get why they don’t rhyme*
I am a landlord and my 1 tenant is the spider who lives in my car side view mirror. The rent is free but sometimes there is a great storm in which survival is not guaranteed. For that I’m sorry. I have to wash my car bro
i went on a date with a guy who seemed normal over text but once we got a table and sat down he peppered the entire conversation with loud wwe impersonations and then mansplained wrestlemania until we paid the bill and i dipped tf out of there
If you think Jason Momoa has dad bod, please give me your dad’s phone number.
Not wearing glasses anymore, I’ve seen enough.
Now that food has replaced sex in my life, I can’t even get into my own pants.
I don’t know much about women but they love containers that hold smaller containers.
The man who invented AutoCorrect walks into a barn.
He orders a bear.
Just printed out 50 copies of today’s weather forecast to carry around with me today because I’m just not in the mood for small talk.
Me: “Can I leave work half an hour early?”
Boss: “Only if you make up the time.”
“OK. It’s 35 past 50.”
Boss: “Just go..”
Mom told me to quit calling the postman a mail escort.
If my neighbors would just talk a little louder I could follow along with their conversation, but no. Rude.
Playing dead in the supermarket to avoid having a conversation with someone you know attracts more attention than I anticipated…go figure.
whenever the police put a mannequin in a squad car to slow traffic, I strategically place mannequins around town committing crimes
My kids have been very keen on mandarins (which 3yo calls “baby oranges”) for the past two days so I bought a 5lb bag. If you have children I’m sure you can guess what is going to happen next
*spills water on pants*
ok don’t let anyone think you peed your pants
“hey what happ–”
MY WATER BROKE, GET ME TO THE HOSPITAL
I’m not particularly good at playing hide-and-seek with children because I have no desire to find them.
Just saw a restaurant that was Japanese/Italian fusion and I can’t think of anything I want less than cheesy noodle sushi.
[tries to blow a kiss]
Kiss: I have a boyfriend
Him: so you like bad boys?
Me: of course not
Him: oh. but your tinder profile sa-
Me: -wait just a minute [my dog leaves the room] ok he’s gone. no that was a lie, I totally do