My wife finally got a “Brazilian”.
He seems nice.
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I never sit around waiting for anyone except for the pizza delivery guy..him I’ll wait for
I’m not making that mistake again.
Gin: Wrong.
I’m ready for another solo vacation across the pond. My wallet however says I’m not ready.
Having your own bed while married is crazy—got my body plopped in the middle—-remote on one side—ipad on the other—bag of snickers over yonder
I knew my kid inherited my artistic abilities back when she drew that cute little pig. She called it a dog, but whatever.
Check out the free section of Craiglist and treat yourself to a little something special.
I see dead people. Although according to the charge sheet, the law refers to it as necrophilia.
Girls Just Want To Have Naan
In today’s installment of “getting absolutely wrecked by my child” I present her commentary on dinner:
“You did the best you could.”
Objection your honor! He’s badgering the witness lmao
*Courtroom erupts in laughter*
Badger: Ok seriously I’m a lawyer and deserve respect
Funerals are expensiveeeeeee. Please put me in an airfryer when it’s my time.
Buy a man a tee and he’ll golf for a day. Buy a manatee and you’ll have trouble housing your new pet
Javascript is when your doctor writes you a prescription for more coffee. Everyone knows that.
The part of the Harry Potter movies that I found most unbelievable was that mostly unsupervised teenagers never had wild keg parties.
LITTLE BO PEEP: I’ve lost my sheep! I can’t remember where to find them!
DOCTOR: Sounds like Lambnesia
So we agree when the zombies come we feed em the teenagers first, right?
My young nephew said that people with glasses should only be able to marry other people with glasses. He’s like a tiny Republican senator.
“Your call is very important to us. Please stay on the line until your call is no longer important to you.”
When you get angry at someone count out loud to ten.
When you get to eight, throw a punch. Nobody expects that shit.
*My wife being frustrated by my kids*
Wife: Can you just give me 2 seconds to myself?
8YO: 1, 2. Now can I have snack?
[David Attenborough watching me when I overslept and have 5 minutes to get ready for work]
Extraordinary.
We had 3 kids, I don’t remember their names and they somehow find us even after we move
My friend was too embarrassed to tell people she met her husband on Tinder so she started telling people she met him at a family reunion instead because that’s less awkward..
“By the way, actions don’t speak!” — Words.
Mrs Kelly: what should we name him?
Mr Kelly: (eyes wide af) MACHINE GUN
Going to be the corpse found at the lowest elevation of Everest ever, like by the parking lot
Fact: The purpose of waking up with hangovers when you’re young is to prepare you for how it feels to wake up when you’re old.
Nice tan, what’s your race? Carrot?
Dr: You have walking pneumonia.
Me: That’s impossible.
Dr: Wha..
Me: I’ve never walked a day in my life.
On Halloween I’ll be handing out full size bars of really bad advice.
Only while supplies last.