Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Felt like my car was going to blow over from this wind today. I feel bad for the smart cars that are probably stuck in trees.

dictator is short for richard potato

*rage dresses
*rage stomps down stairs
*rage closes neighbors banging garbage can lid flapping in wind
*rage stomps upstairs
*rage undresses

Keep it mysterious, ladies…

Him: See you next time. Me: Maybe.

Him: Do you want your receipt?

If you ever ask me what my favorite of something is, it is guaranteed that I will forget everything I’ve ever loved, mumble some nonsense and run away.

Pharaohs were buried with their hands across their chest because of an ancient belief that there would be countless water slides in the after life.

Parents, raise your kids well, or they grow up to be like your coworkers.

Bookshop in Fowey, Cornwall.

I once slowly roasted a Marshmallow over fire until the Michelin Man gave me some free tires.

*plane starts to crash*
Don’t worry, Jesus is my co-pilot
*looks over to see Jesus jumping out with the only parachute*
Well hell

No bullshit, if any color is unemployed, its maroon

Commonly confused phrases:

In the same boat = We’re going through this together

On the same page = We understand each other

In the same trunk = We’re getting kidnapped OMG

“The Burning Bush” but it’s just me getting laser hair removal.

Santa is basically a fat man who doesn’t understand how robbery is supposed to work.

[the ’4 Horsemen Of The Apocalypse’ descending from heaven]

me: *clapping excitedly* ooooh, horseys’!!!

You can’t make me happy, mate. You’re not a family sized packet of salty sweet popcorn.

“Are you already hot as shit? Then you’ll look hot as shit in our glasses” – Every glasses ad

I wasnt home for a few days and somebody taught my cat Karate

I’ve never seen any of the fast/furious movies. I’m waiting til they are done, so I can watch them in reverse order, so they gradually get less insane

Friend: Let’s get a table outside

Me: How about we get an inside table but the waiter turns the heat way up, dumps tiny bugs in our food and shines a super bright flashlight in our eyes?

I’m not making that mistake again.

Gin: Wrong.

If you’re wondering what all these scratches on my chest are from, it’s because my cat hates to get in the hot tub with me.

I remember back in the day when you had to roll up a tiny scroll and give it to a falcon to tweet

Iron Man, Iron Man, does everything an Iron can
Gets real hot on a mat, makes your clothes get really flat
Look out! Here comes the Iron Man

“Billie Jean” is probably my favorite song about someone named Billie Jean

2005 Single
2006 Single
2007 Single
2008 Single
2009 Single
2010 Single
2011 Single
2012 Single
2013 Single
2014 Single
2015 Single
2016 Single
2017 Single
2018 Single

Reward me for consistency please

*police searching my home

So, the coffin is for Halloween?

Yes. Yes it is.

zone out

Friend nagged me for TDKR OST. Renamed Backstreet Boys song and mailed them to him. Fun.

A smart car easily passes my Jeep on a hill. “Hey, that’s not right” yells a jogger, who also easily passes my Jeep on a hill.