My wife finally got a “Brazilian”.
He seems nice.
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British meanings of “you look well”
1. You look well
2. You looked particularly bad when we last met and you’ve improved since then
3. You look larger than last time
4. We both know you’re looking unwell but I’m trying to make you feel better about it
5. I can’t remember who…
There is no bigger warning of their behavior than my wife calling them, “your kids.”
jokingly asked my coworker why the flag outside our building was at half mast today and he completely seriously said “for James Earl Jones i think?”
30% of parenting is just asking,
“Why is this wet?”
The flight attendant has said “..and one in the rear” 3 times now and I’m Paul. I’m 12 years old.
me: for the story to progress, I really need to kill off some of the characters in the book I’m writing
my editor: but…you’re writing an autobiography??
me: 😏😏😏
I lost 6 hours of sleep last night, lying in bed wondering if Muppets get haircuts.
Farts are like children. The only ones that I like are my own.
I love my bodyguard. I would take a bullet for him
Just because I am an Italian American doesn’t mean my family is in the mob….
It means we used to be.
You never know how strong you are…until your power steering goes out.
*gets neck cracked by Chiropractor*
Hey I didn’t know our necks turned like an Owls
Saw Billy Joel trending and thought they finally found evidence of arson
Do I consider myself to be mentally stable? Buddy, I don’t even have a horse…
said some terrible things about a coworker’s newborn when she called it a “week old baby” and I thought we were roasting it
Missing those days when “hemorrhoids” was just a challenging word to spell.
I never realized that by my age, I would be so well educated in kitchen back splashes
A good friend loves you and supports you, but a really good friend will hand you a block of cheese and then respectfully look away
If a puppy stabbed me in the face and stole my car, I’d still be like, “aww.”
Hiking is useful if you like the outdoors, fitness, or finding new and interesting places to dispose of bodies
A small toddler is the closest thing you can have to a Pokémon. It follows you around, you love it dearly, no one else can understand what it’s saying, and it is obedient only when it wants to be. The main difference is that training it to fight other toddlers is frowned upon
I’d like you to meet my family, my wife Sharon, my son Carl, and this balloon that follows me around
[Playing poker]
*Takes my college diploma out of my wallet, unfolds it and slams it on the table
I raise you 125k
I left this letter from ‘Management’ on the doors of an apartment complex
robert frost: i took the road less traveled by, and that has made all the difference
boss: you’re six hours late
i love the concept of an encore. the band leaves the stage and the crowd is like omg wait you haven’t played your three most popular songs yet! and the band is like “beg”
Me: Hey Mr. DJ, do you take requests?
Dj: Yes.
M: Excellent, can you turn it down a bit.
There’s nothing quite like a pissed off toddler trying to make her point by angrily storming away on a ride on ladybug
Butter my backside and call me a biscuit.
“911, what’s the emergency?”
we were robbed. they stole the wireless router
“calm down”
also they shot my grandma or something. not sure