My wife finished her shampoo and conditioner at the same time and now I’m worried I married a witch
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9: dad I don’t want to sleep in my room alone tonight. Can I sleep with you and mom?
me: aw bud, it’s okay. You won’t be alone in your room. There’s plenty of ghosts in there to keep you company.
9: MOM!
Singing in the shower is all fun and games until you get shampoo in your mouth…
Then it’s a soap opera!
*hitler leans in close to the mic* and the next person to question me gets executioned
*grammar nazi bites lip*
As a project I’ve started making my own coffin. Should I be concerned that my wife keeps asking how soon I can have it ready?
JAMES BOND: Bond. James Bond. I’m the best-known spy in the world.
ME: “Best-known”? But that would make you the WORST spy in th– *slumps over with cyanide cufflink in my neck*
I replaced my old flat pillow that hurt my neck with a new fat fluffy pillow that hurts my neck.
I take no responsibility for anything I said or did yesterday.
I was young. It was a different time.
Science says 99% of dust in your home is flakes of human skin but in my home it’s mostly microscopic potato chip crumbs.
“Wow you’re one of the nicest old ladies I’ve ever met!”- me, loudly to a random old lady so my mom can hear
Marriage license: Contractual agreement to laugh at your spouse’s same three bad jokes for life.
if it smells like bullshit & looks like bullshit, it probably is bullshit. Putting sugar on it doesn’t make it a brownie.
Uber: *text* It’s your Uber driver. I’m outside of the bank
Me:*texting back* Nobody move! Put the money in the bag!
Uber: What?
Me: Lol srry had talk to text on. Be right out
The future is now.
I wrote a haiku about mansplaining for the Thursday contest and my husband offered to “look at it and make sure it fit the 5-7-5 format.”
*elbows date in ribs*
“see that asterisk next to the ‘have it your way’ slogan?”
where it says “within reason?”
“that’s because of me”
I walk my dog at night with a knife in my pocket just in case the person robbing me doesn’t have his own weapon to stab me with.
TONIGHT ON HOUSE HUNTERS
*extremely Australian accent*
This here house is one of the most deadly in the world. Imma poke it with a stick
[on drive home]
i cant believe you said “don’t bother” when my dad said he’d be there in spirit
“i don’t want ghosts at our wedding linda”
I could never do polyamory not because of jealousy or anything I just don’t have it in me to keep track of more than one birthday
Each time I use an exclamation point, I feel as if I’m shooting my sentence out of a t-shirt cannon.
Me: Time for bed, son. I don’t make the rules.
6: OK. But who makes the rules?
Me:
6:
Both of us: Mom.
My kids are out of town so I’m going to get wild and drink my coffee while it’s still hot.
*crashes your wedding
Why aren’t you answering my DM?!
This morning my son said ‘pull my finger’ and I’m certain, somewhere in Ontario, my dad just smiled and felt pride for reasons he couldn’t explain.
t-shirt is short for “television shirt”
me when I leave a friend on read: They get it. I’m overwhelmed. I isolate. I need a day to think. The kids keep me busy. I’ve got 7 appointments this week. They understand.
me when a friend leaves me on read: OMG THEY HATE MY GUTS
This morning my therapist said more people need to do things without expecting anything in return, so I left without paying her.
They say “Liar, Liar, Pants on Fire” but what happens if you tell a lie with no pants on?
I’ve dated a guy who collected stained glass and wore bowling gloves so don’t talk to me about standards.
If Donald Trump becomes President,
The rest of us should be able to just walk into any hospital & start working as doctors