Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I’m sorry I slapped you but you didn’t seem like you would ever stop talking and I panicked.

Spelling is important because I finally received my Male order bride, Brian.

i woke up at 3:48 from a weird dream i wanted to rememember. tried to text myself sketchy details. accidentally sent them to a number one off from mine. help

Water Polo is one shark away from being the most entertaining sport around

Mud season creeps up on us every year, destroying hearts and minds as well as light grey carpeting.

Don’t worry about the people that drink Coke or Pepsi, worry about the ones that say “I’m fine with either”

I share an office thermostat with a middle aged woman. I’m in a t-shirt while she’s rubbing 2 pencils together trying to start a trash fire

You may find my attraction to Goofy weird, but I don’t give a hyuck.

My wife is a 54 year old manager. She went out for some wine with her friends last night. Today there is a traffic cone in our hallway. I love her so much.

this has to be peak English

I put construction worker experience on my resume because I’ve done build a bear several times.

Me: I’m on the moth diet
Her: that’s not what ‘eating light’ means
Me: *coughing up moths* what?

Called in telepathically this morning, so they know I’m thinking of them.

Enjoy your 30s cause in your 40s your check knees light comes on

ME *traps wasp under a cup*

MAGICIAN GHOST WHO HAUNTS ME: *appears & sets down 2 more cups*

ME: no

MAGICIAN GHOST: *starts to shuffle them*

edward fingerhands

*turns up my TV to drown out the couple fighting next door

*hears the word “sex”

*turns down my TV

Apocalypse life hack: mute the news and play White Stripes “seven nation army”. It’s still horrible but it feels so much cooler

Whether it’s aliens or zombies, the importance of a head start cannot be overstated.

And for my next trick, I’m going to make this first date the last date.

4: mom was i in your tummy?

me: yep!

4: who is in there now?

me: no one

4: then why is it so big?

husband: oh no

I’m afraid of being murdered but only because they would record my stomach contents.

My superpower is destroying the neighbors living room from 100 yards with nothing but her cat and my laser pointer.

*puts you on pedestal*

*vacuums where you were standing*

*takes you off pedestal*

Time traveling but it’s just me aging 5 years per every month of my kids life.

My Halloween costume this year is a red cape and a witches broom – I’m gonna be little red riding wood.

had a talk with my manager where i told him it’s hard to do my job when i’m left off of emails/meetings and he said “well when you’re left out just let me know” and then i stared at him until he went “but if you were left out, you wouldn’t know….”

My ex bf used to call me queen of the worms when I was being lazy and he meant that I was an enormous worm that wouldn’t get out of bed but I always heard it as like, I am an earthen goddess one with the soil, worms for hair, command of all wormkind

“You think I’m smart, right?”

Not tonight baby, I’m too tired to fight.

Annnd that’s how the fight started.

Corgi: why are my legs so short?

God: that’s just what legs look like.

Corgi: oh cool.

[giraffe walks by]

Corgi:

God: you weren’t supposed to see that.