My wife found a spider in the shower.
Anyway, the open house is this Saturday if you’re interested.
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The neighbor has a sign next to the sidewalk under his tree reading, “Caution, this tree has a history of dropping branches.” A “history”? Does this tree have a rap sheet? Is he a bad influence on my trees?
Dreamed I won the lottery last night – $35 on a scratch ticket. Clearly I have a rich fantasy life lately.
[filing for legal name change]
Judge: and what’s the reason for the request?
Me: I was owned pretty badly on line
Judge: *removes glasses and squints* oh my god are you the guy that thought bears were fat dogs
That awkward moment when a zombie is looking for brains and he walks right past you…
I love it when people throw out those inspirational tweets like ‘live life to the fullest’ after they’ve spent the entire day on Twitter.
[stands in church]
Geese be with you
[hands neighbor a beautiful goose]
And also w/you
[he hands me a different yet equally beautiful goose]
Decided not to have kids after spending the weekend with my little niece who only wanted to eat the “inside of a pancake”
Jennifer Aniston: I indulge by eating one chip.
Me: I indulge by eating aisle five at the grocery store.
Phone
Mom: Didn’t mean to wake you earlier.
Me: It’s okay. I’m up.
Mom: I need to have a hard discussion with you. How’s your brain working? Are you feeling awake now?
Me: No, I was wrong. I’m asleep.
North Korea is like that annoying kid in high school who was always threatening you with nuclear weapons
Sign in the elevator: Please keep 6-foot distance.
Width of elevator: 5 feet.
Roses are red
Violets are blue
Meet me in bed
To learn something newPfff….poetry is easy
No, I would NEVER put you on mute
Met my boyfriend on eharmony, also eharmony is the nickname I gave this vending machine, meet my sandwich
my kids can lose something i bought them for $20 and up and not even flinch but could lose a stick they found in the yard and cry about it for hours.
After reading his last talk to text message, I’m convinced I’m married to a pirate.
Dating – Do you want to share my cheesecake?
Married- Touch my cheesecake and I’ll end you.
My best acting work to date? has 2 be yesterday when I realized I was walking the wrong direction so I pretended to get a text message that changed EVERYTHING and FORCED me to turn around and walk the other way.
Hub: Did you eat all the nachos?
Me: Noooo. I had one nacho.
Hub: because they were stuck together?
Me: LIKE I SAID, ONE NACHO!
I tried to forge my dad’s signature in first grade. Without knowing cursive. Let’s just say the bank didn’t give me that loan.
Hot neighbor (limping): I slipped and fell on my bedroom floor this morning
Me: Haha, I saw that
Her: What?
Me: What?
Dear bill collectors, if you want me to answer the phone, instead of “no caller ID” try something like “free shoes”
dogs can find happiness so easily
An easy way to know if your house is haunted is to bake a cake that says “for ghost” and see if anything takes it
This day in history. 1887. A farmer in Montana claimed he found a 15 inch long snowflake and his wife said that means it was about 3 inches.
All of my best fantasies include a French maid. She cleans the house while I nap.
If I ever get remarried, I am walking down the aisle to the theme song from Jaws.
Forever 21… pounds overweight
Look kid, you can’t die from embarrassment. Believe me, I’ve tried.