My wife found out I was cheating when she found the letters I’d been hiding.
She said, she’s never playing Scrabble with me again.
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Facebook needs an “I’ve already seen this on Twitter” button.
Coworker: You smell good. What is that? Armani?
Me: Thanks! It’s Febreze. I just took a dump.
You know, you don’t have to buy a tiger to dispose of a body. Pigs will eat people too, bones and all.
Hey babe, are you a voodoo doll? Because I feel like stabbing you.
Guy at Q&A when there’s only 2 minutes for questions: hi! First of all I just wanted to say thank you so much for sharing this amazing work of art with all of us, I can easily say we’re all honored to be able to see this film in such a great venue. Let’s give it up for the staff…
Here’s a promise – if a scuba shop is within sprinting distance of the ocean and they let me try stuff on I’m not paying for a damn thing.
Went to a movie theater for the first time in two years over the weekend. It’s still the best nap that $24.99 can buy.
Email: 48 people have viewed your LinkedIn profile
Me: I still have a LinkedIn profile?
Netflix to unveil new ad sponsored content in a move that industry executives call “Television.”
[Jesus Feeding of the 4,999)
ME: *gets back in line wearing fake mustache*
I’m not saying you’ve had too much Botox, it’s just that you should still be able to shrug your shoulders
Me: Send pics
Her: What do you wanna see 😉
Me: Spiderman
Her: What?
Me
(Dracula has social anxiety and can’t attend the auction)
Dracula: (texting me) DO MY BIDDING
Hate when you hire a shady mercenary in a tavern by throwing them a leather purse of gold coins they never give you the purse back. Im getting fucking murdered on leather purses here
Welcome to Wednesday.
If you haven’t had a meltdown yet today, one will be assigned to you shortly.
Bonus points for tears, flinging feces, and swearing in Polish.
I hope Bitcoin is like Snapchat in that people stop talking about it before I have to learn what it is.
teacher: are u a visual thinker, auditory thinker, or kinesthetic thinker
me: oh im not a thinker
[raises arms to stretch, a cardinal swoops in and lays an egg]
I guess it’s time to shave for summer.
God: you have terrible eyesight.
Bat: oh no.
God: don’t worry I’ve got a pretty great solution for you.
Bat: sweet!
God: you scream, fly in that direction while you try not to crash into a wall.
Bat:
God:
Bat: I thought you were gonna say glasses or something.
DARTH VADER: it’s so hard to date when you’re
STORMTROOPER: …an evil genocidal maniac?
DV: I was going to say a single dad. You’ve made it awkward now
Exactly like a tissue box dispenser, except for cold cuts.
Entertained some out of town guests last night. At dinner they told us they refused to take the subway because it was too dangerous. My 9 year old said “What? You mean like if you ride on top?”
Before you try to convince me that people aren’t really all that dumb let me point out that TikTok has a “no filter” filter
Love your friends, crop dust your enemies in a crowded elevator.
I was buying ice cream, Pop Tarts and mayonnaise. She had organic vegetables & Kombucha.
The check stand divider was mostly symbolic.
when a man describes himself as “old-fashioned,” it means he drinks craft beer and wears a tweed jacket. when a woman calls herself old-fashioned, it means she’s secretly a powerful witch who hunts murderers at a haunted bed-and-breakfast.
I’m sticking to my guns.
I really should have washed my hands after I ate.
sisqo: [filing a missing persons’ report] she had dumps like a truck
cop: i keep telling you, i don’t know what that means
i accidentally told a customer their total was $17.76 instead of $17.67 i said “sorry.. just thinking about the declaration of independence i guess” and he did not laugh or smile