Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

My mom’s 60-something friend was set up with a 67-year-old guy who is “not looking for anything serious” in case you think that ever ends

This is the best tattoo I’ve ever seen in my whole life, no contest

We go together like unprotected eyes and a lab accident.

LMFAOOOO

FUN GAME: Ride a bicycle with an empty baby seat on the back down a busy street whilst loudly saying “You’re being VERY well behaved.”

I just want to know enough sign language to convince people to stop talking to me

Pro tip: smell the fragrant hand soap on your fingers while you’re in the restaurant’s restroom, not on your way back to the table.

It’s a comfort knowing Dad is looking down on me, but we should probably cut his hang-glider out of that tree one of these days.

You can only send, “I hope this email finds you in a pineapple under the sea” like 3, 4 times before they’ll fire you

Life hack:
When a police officer is asking you to touch your index finger to your nose, pretend your nose is a snooze button at 5AM.

If you think fruit is better than candy just remember Eve ate an apple, not a Reese’s.

There is a very fine line between kidnapping an introvert and taking them to a party.

Thanksgiving prep with mom is great for my self esteem:

Why aren’t you helping me??

*starts to help*

You’re doing it wrong! Let me do it!

12: You’re almost half a century old.

Me: Go to your room.

My youngest has been banging on about “prank week” and has been royally pranking us all day.

Little does she know, her father is the prank master

Both of them panicking now, the bonus is that their sadness has brought a hush into the house.

i am only capable of working on things in zero stress or extreme stress situations, in all other situations u can find me laying down and patiently waiting until extreme stress kicks in

Put your address and social security number into the GIF search then mail me your house keys to find your rapper name

Apparently the main job qualification for being a pirate was that you had to be named after a beard.

Windows: Would like to…
⚪️ Restart
⚪️ Update and restart

Me: I’d like to restart

Windows:

You say “tomato”, I say “flamingo”. I also put goldfish in my armpits. My opinion should be ignored.

In case you don’t watch Crime TV let me just tell you, if you’re going to commit a crime don’t take your cell phone with you.

me: where’s the milk?

supermarket clerk: by the eggs

me: no i just want milk

I signed up to bring fruit for my toddler’s holiday party at daycare. It turns out the class’s favorite fruit is blueberries which need to be cut into quarters, and I should have signed up to bring cookies.

*me, at high school prom

Me: So, you wanna dance?
Her: Definitely!
M: Can you tell me why?

Dr: Are you sexually active?

Me: *cries*

Dr: Um, are you sexually-

Me: *cries harder*

Dr: …..Ok. Do you drink?

Me: YES I BLOODY DRINK

What does a cannibal eat for a snack?

Finger food.

Imagine meeting the person of your dreams and then finding out they use cutlery to eat a burger.

Dog: MY BOWL IS EMPTY

Me: You *just* ate

Dog: I SEE NO EVIDENCE OF THAT

“How can I help u, Bowser?”

I need a loan

“For ANOTHER castle?”

A flying castle

“U have like 24 already”

IDK HOW MARIO KEEPS FINDIN HER

Me: If moths like light so much why haven’t they all flown into the Sun?

Boss:does anyone have any work related questions?