Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

normalize slapping the phone out someone’s hand when they use speakerphone in public.

This might sound like an off the wall question. But what do you think of parkour?

Wasn’t this a cartoon.

Me: The enemy launched a missile, sir

Sargeant: What’s the point of impact?

Me: Because otherwise there’s no boom, sir

When grocery shopping, I only buy foods that can also be used as a weapon. Cantaloupe is a good example of this.

You can usually tell which duck is the cop because he has a mustache and a gun.

dad: “what’s that nice french place we went to called again?”
me: “france?”
dad: “that’s the one”

[Married Pillow Talk]

Husband: Tell me what you want.

Me: I want you to fix the kitchen faucet.

I’m at my most Disney Princess when I fight with my stepfamily before drunkenly losing my shoe at a party.

When a woman says she’ll be ready in 5 minutes, I know I have just enough time to fly to space & finish building my Death Star before we go.

My friend told his gf he’s giving up valentines day for lent… I know what’s coming so I told him that i’m giving up letting friends sleep on my couch

Birds wouldn’t be so smug in zero gravity, I bet

If I tell you I will do anything for you, don’t get too excited, because I will also do anything for a slice of pizza.

“zombies aren’t real zombies aren’t real zombies aren’t real zombies aren’t real”

– me, walking my dog at night

Me: Here’s half my income.

Daycare: Cool. Here’s a new virus every other week.

If you don’t get my sarcasm, you obviously lack a sense of humor

If I don’t get your sarcasm, you just suck at it

This will never not be funny to me.

Omg, do you mind? I’m busy. This dinner isn’t going to peel back plastic, stir and add 3 minutes to itself.

You think you’re ageing well and then you feel an earlobe hair blowing in the wind

GOP threatens to shutdown government unless Obama changes color of skin.

Life was good until I ripped my pants… now life is good and ventilated.

I told my mom that I accepted drugs from a semi-stranger and got way too high and freaked out and called my brother because I was semi-hallucinating and couldn’t figure out if I still existed and her takeaway was “I’m so glad you guys are close 🥹🥹”

Our Father, who art in Heaven, Hallowed be thy name

But Imma call you “Hal” for short, ‘k, Chief?

There’s a washer, a dryer but not a folder.

According to the law it’s not appropriate to put a bounty on my boss. I actually thought it showed great initiative and leadership.

Biden: *picks nose*
Obama: Don’t.
Biden: *makes direct eye contact*
Obama: Joe.
Biden: *slowly brings finger to mouth*

ME: *eating shepherd’s pie* this is really yummy
SHEPHERD: hey, that’s my pie

I annoy my dad when he’s watching football by referring to all the players as, “characters.” It works every time

[feather on the ground]

4-year-old: It’s a pterodactyl feather!

Me: Pterodactyls don’t have feathers.

4: I know. They fell off.