My wife gave me an Oura ring.
Every night at 9 it tells me it’s time to get ready for bed.
It tells me when I should get up and walk around, and when I should relax.Is my wife outsourcing?
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Quick reminder that the Twilight saga is about the classic teen angst of choosing between bestiality and necrophilia
My dad when I follow google maps instead of the path he yells from the backseat
Shot pool with my 15yo son.
Taught him a valuable lesson.
You can restart a video game 1000 times.
You can only lose your allowance once.
What happens in the elevator stays in the elevator.
the era of facebook check-ins was nothing but toxic chaos for our friendships. like what do you mean you’re at cvs without me.
HER: Shake what your momma gave you!
ME: *Tosses around crippling anxiety and male pattern baldness*
Me: [stuffs sock down trousers before date]
Date: Wow your knee is huge
SHAKESPEARE: Shall I compare thee to a summer’s day?
HIM: Sure.
SHAKESPEARE: Oh, wow, didn’t… didn’t think you’d say yes. I actually don’t have anything prepared.
HIM:
SHAKESPEARE:
HIM:
SHAKESPEARE: ur both hot.
Having little kids is great because I love spending hundred of dollars each week to feed my floor and my trash can
Carpenter Ants: Very industrious
Army Ants: Extra militant
Fire Ants: Drop dope AF mixtapes
You know you’re the father of teen boys when a shoe print on the ceiling no longer fazes you.
the main reason men’s shirts have those little breast pockets is just in case their gf becomes a worm
OH. COME. ON.
Army boss: ENEMIES INCOMING AT 12 O’CLOCK
Me: stop shouting, that’s over an hour from now
Husband “I thought you were dieting?”
Me “I am”
Husband “You just ate 6 Oreos”
Me “Yes but I want to eat 12. See – Dieting”
does anyone want to marry me before this website dies, feels like my best shot x
oh u like me? name 5 meds i take
if you give a mouse a cookie, he’s going to ask you for a glass of milk.
don’t give it to him.
give him another cookie.
now he’s super thirsty.
he’ll do anything for that milk.
anything.
wife: I don’t think our marriage can survive the distance issue
me: what distance issue, I’m always here or nearby
wife:
me: oh
You can’t make me breathe heavy.
You aren’t a flight of stairs.
Unfortunately, I cannot marry my high school sweetheart bc the state does not recognize a union between a woman and a Legolas poster.
usher: bride or groom
me: just a guest
usher: no which are you here for
me: neither I’m married
3-year-old: Daddy, I love you *hugs me*
Me: I love y- Did you wipe your mouth on my shirt?
Most of fatherhood is just being a good napkin.
Coach: Sorry, you didn’t make the team this year, pal.
Me: Oh, who got the last spot?
Coach: Umm
Me: Why is that golden retriever over there shooting free throws?
My aunts (who are twins) were gonna have a joint 60th bday party, but they got into a fight. Now they’re doing two separate parties on the same day and they’re asking everyone to choose 😩
.I’m a woman. Sometimes I want you to hold me while I sleep and sometimes I want you to shove my panties in my mouth. It’s complicated.
I made a Tinder account for 1st time ever today for some blog research and it’s going pretty well.
Quit my job a few years ago because my boss was an idiot. Now I’m self-employed. My boss is still an idiot.
When improv teams ask for suggestions, I like to yell “Learn a trade before your father cuts you off financially!”