My wife gave me an Oura ring.
Every night at 9 it tells me it’s time to get ready for bed.
It tells me when I should get up and walk around, and when I should relax.Is my wife outsourcing?
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How’s it going?
“I’m so glad you asked, really need to talk to someone right now”
You’re supposed to say ‘fine’ & ask how I am. Bye.
doctor it hurts when i do this *checks bank account*
It’s October which means it’s basically Halloween which means Thanksgiving is right around the corner which means it’s pretty much Christmas so Happy New Year everyone.
I like to fill my medicine cabinet with marbles before I invite people over.
Not to brag, but I always go to the hottest cashier at the store and she always checks me out.
[black jack]
DEALER: 14
ME: hit me
D: 16
M: hit me
D: 23
M: hit me
D:
M:
D:
M: make it look good so my wife believes I was mugged
Friend: Aren’t those jeans a little young for you?
Me: I’m sorry I can’t quite hear you. Come closer. Don’t be scared.
If you show up to a baby shower holding a sickle, nobody complains that you didn’t bring a gift.
I have never laughed so hard in my LIFE
-Ordering a pizza $40
-Having it delivered $5
-Having your kids eat the whole thing before you get home
Sliceless
No one is full of more false hope than a parent with a new chore chart.
my cat: *hacking up a hairball*
my german neighbor: holy shit that cat is talking
MATH PROBLEM: If you give half of your apple to a friend, what do you have?
ME (through tears): A…a friend
Me: He was choking. Seemed like he couldn’t breathe
Cop: Why didn’t you help him
Me: My dog was sleeping in my lap
Cop: Totally understand
I’ve been reading your Oscar tweets, and America should not vote on things as a general rule going forward.
The robotic urge to ask humans to prove they’re not robots.
Imagine getting married and you write your own vows and it’s beautiful and everyone is sobbing and after the wedding your husband hands you the vows he wrote down in a sweet glass case to keep forever and you read them and the first line reads “your my soulmate”
Nothing like quiet, peaceful coffee on the patio
Till the neighbors start to mow
Watched a quiet place part 2 tonight and all I could think about was how screwed they all are once that baby becomes a toddler
Some fancy kids just egged my house with quail eggs. I went out to yell, and one of them garnished me with chives.
DRIVER: *turns radio off* Where to?
UNDECIDED VOTER: Don’t rush me I need to hear all the places first. Tell me every place there is please.
Jeff: I’m from New Jersey
Geoff: I’m from New Georsey
My dental hygienist is probably thinking, I bet i could braid this guys nose hair.
You know you’re old when you start telling people how much cheaper things used to be.
Big up the 12 yr old kid on my daughter’s school camping trip who has mistakenly got my number listed in her phone as my daughter’s number and so has been texting me from her tent at midnight and 2am going SO WHAT’S THE PLAN?
Walked in for bread, walked out with 6 bottles of wine. Now we’re having communion for dinner.
THIS IS THE POLICE.
COME OUT WITH YOUR HANDS UP.“Wrong house guys.”
ARE YOU SURE ABOUT THAT?
“Yup, happens a lot.”
OKAY COOL, SORRY.
The 16yo tells me he’s been revising all day. His browser history suggests he’s got his YouTube exam in the morning.
Old people be giving dating advice like “fill out a resume and just walk right up and ask to speak to their manager”
Apple needs to develop a feature that disables Amazon when it knows you’re drinking.
Hashtag don’t drink and Prime.