My wife gave me an Oura ring.
Every night at 9 it tells me it’s time to get ready for bed.
It tells me when I should get up and walk around, and when I should relax.Is my wife outsourcing?
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me: how can I impress my date
friend: buy her dinner
me: ok
[later at the restaurant]
her: what?me: I said how much do you want for your burger?
Girls Just Want To Have Naan
Re-using mouthwash is one life hack you’ve heard here first
dr: what happened here
me: i got bit by a horse when I tried to put a birthday hat on him
dr: why
me: wasn’t his birthday I guess
(Recently turned) 14: Can I borrow the car?
Me: What? No!
14: Just practicing.
If you don’t clean up this room I will empty threat you so hard!
The hardest part about going through a divorce is finding a hitman you can trust.
I bet the worst part about kidnapping someone is knowing they are just sitting there in your trunk, judging your choice in music.
ME: Why are my eyes itchy?
WebMD: Eye bees
Sorry I look depressed. It’s just that when I heard the sound of your high heels on the hardwood floor, I thought a pony was in the house.
Them: What’s your writing process like?
Me: Pretty intense. Very solitary. Organized. Inspired.
My writing process:
[my 1st flight as co-pilot]
me: [breaks 30 minute awkward silence] “so what do you do?”
pilot: “i fly the plane keith”
Jehovah’s witnesses don’t celebrate Halloween, I’m guessing it’s because they don’t appreciate random people coming up to their doors.
I’ve been trying to open this grocery store produce bag for thirteen years.
Tell my story.
[on a date]
Her: I like a guy who’s chill and not jealous
Me: What’s his name?
If you apologize and someone says “you’re fine” they want to kill you
I find joy in the small things now, like a pair of cardinals at the bird feeder or seeing my douchehole neighbor trip over his garden hose.
The opposite of a backhanded compliment is a blessing in diss guise.
“Doctor, is the baby healthy?”
“Yes Kanye, and just so you know I was the first one to hold her.”
“Huh?”
*Ray-J pulls off surgical mask
Sorry I got kicked out of the auditorium for yelling GET A TOMB YOU TWO during your little brother’s 9th grade production of Romeo & Juliet.
I received my first order from Imperfect foods, and let me tell you, I’m 100% satisfied.
I don’t tell many people this, but I have been known to carry a shiv.
Okay, it’s the underwire in my bra and the only one getting stabbed is me, but still.
My soulmate is probably someone else who doesn’t really talk to anyone either so that could be an issue
Chicken: Hey look, another egg! Will you look after it for me, like the others?
Farmer: Sure
Chicken: How many chicks do I have now?! Can’t wait to meet them all
Farmer:
It’s either five or nothing bro
– if wet wipes could talk
I found £20 laying on the ground and I asked myself, what would Jesus do? 🤔
So, I turned it into wine.
BIDEN: That went well.
OBAMA: Did you have to say you loved Trump’s sons in Twilight?
BIDEN: It’s what I do.
cushion on the right slightly discoloured
