Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I don’t always pick my nose in front of the window but when I do a neighbor will inevitably drive by

Well, sure, if I was a 22 year old hottie I’d tweet sexy stuff, but I’m a 47 year old married woman with 5 kids. I tweet despair.

Not right now green light, I’m taking a selfie.

Chairperson: So Dave is calling this season ‘fall’ because the leaves fall off the trees. Have we a name for the next one?

Dave: Death!

Chair: Ok Dave, calm down. Anybody else? Anybody.

Earth is indeed bipolar, but it’s not a disorder.

Dwayne Johnson, paper, scissors

Hear no evil, see no evil, speak no evil.
I can accomplish this if I avoid my mother.

IRL

I was Today Years Old when I find out Labelle are singing “Creole Lady Marmalade” NOT “Be your Lady Marmalade”.

How is it my dog understands the word no, but my children don’t?

Me: I’m 29, I’m not that old! I have my whole life ahead of me.

Me around a 20 year old: I am the grim spectre of death. I have seen empires rise and fall like the endless shifting dunes. Time has no meaning.

Tonight’s rookie mistake: Not budgeting enough time into my 5yo’s bedtime routine to argue with him about how to spell the letter K.

I bet i could still be a stuntman

[Breaks a hip getting off the couch]

Okay maybe not

I spent the entire day yesterday freaking out and preparing my house for a monsoon and flooding from a storm that never came so if you need me I’ll be writing strongly worded tweets to local meteorologists.

Alright so I have a pretty good joke for if Pirates Of The Carribean was nominated for several academy awards and lost all of them that the host could say and it’s this: “I’ve heard of not a dry eye in the house, but not an aye aye in the house?”

If I were lost and all I had was a compass I would still be lost.

If you’ve already seen a couple of chickens break up a couple of rabbits fighting today then just keep on scrolling…

*taps on your head*

“Is this think on?”

“You make me so wet.”

– me, to my shower.

A high-pressure hose will usually stop a coworker from showing you any more baby photos.

Underwear isn’t protecting you from your pants. It’s protecting your pants from YOU! Another conspiracy uncovered.

You never know how fast you can run until the parents yell, “the last to reach the bus will volunteer as a volunteer parent at school”.

‘we love the sea because it’s where we come from we fear it because we left so long ago’, I say suddenly, startling myself, and the waitress

My Parenting Wrapped 2024 includes 525600 minutes of not being listened to

I buy a lot of ringtones for someone who hasn’t answered a phone call since 2008.

Padmé: Dating is scaring. I just want to find a nice guy who’s not going to murder me.

Anakin: You’ve chosen wisely.

Welcome to Backhanded Compliment Club, it’s so nice to meet people who don’t care how they look

[Wife finds me crying on kitchen floor]
Me: I fell & spilled honey on myself.
Wife:
Me: Will you ki
Wife: I’m not kissing your Honey Boo Boo

Joseph Smith, 1833

How come when I was a kid and lost a tooth it was all “Look at you, big guy!,” but now it’s just “Bro, you really gotta reconsider your life choices.”